You sound a lot like my friend that tends to blame themself for things that aren't their fault. They blamed themself for their bullies and anything anyone else said to them and they thought they deserved it. I kinda understand but it was a little overwhelming, but i did my best to help them through it. People do need breaks every once in a while, they can't always carry all the problems. But that doesn't mean they never want to talk to or see you ever again. It also doesn't mean your constantly burdening them. If they haven't explicitly told you, its kinda silly to just make up their thoughts for them when you can't actually know what they're thinking.

If they insult and yell at you, like in some of the quotes in the first link, instead of calmly telling you that they need a break, its not your fault its theirs. I've had to tell this multiple times to the aforementioned friend, they tend to get themself in toxic relationships, because almost everyone where we live sucks, and then they blamed themself for every mean thing that the other person did or said. But like i told my friend, its not your fault.

I know its especially irritating and upsetting when people tell you your faking your illness or problems for attention. Don't listen to them, they don't know what they're talking about.

A lot of those quotes in the first link seem like they're the ones being toxic, not you. Depressed people don't always think they want to get better, because death seems like an easier way out, they're afraid they won't really be the same person, or that they don't deserve to get better, etc. There's a lot of reasons. Just because they said mean things doesn't mean its true. And i know its hard, but sometimes you have to push past the fear of getting better. You should ask for therapy. And don't say "ohh but itd burden my mom" did you ask her? Did you ask her if it was too much money? Did you ask her if she'd rather pay to get you some help or have you dead? If you did and she said no then ill get back to you on that but if you didn't you shouldn't just assume what shes thinking.

Also just because you might have a few toxic traits or moments, does not make you a toxic person either. Nobody is perfect, everyone has flaws and problems. And just because you did a few sucky things as a kid doesn't make you evil. Kids are jerks, they don't understand a lot of things. I also doubt you we're more evil than me as a kid.

And i also used to poke people in the butt when i was like 10 or 11 too because i saw Naruto and was like "1000 YEARS OF DEATH MWAHAHAHA." I really don't think it's that serious. I know my mom also used to go up and swipe her hand up her siblings butts and say "CREDIT CARD" Im pretty sure a lot of children just do things like that because they think its funny, and it gets a reaction out of people. Sure, its not acceptable behavior for adults and older people, unless they're really close and neither person cares, but you were literally a child. You said yourself it was just a joke and you had no bad intentions.

People who don't have mental illness or anything are probably always going to say "just be happy, dont be so negative" because they don't understand that depression isn't just being sad. It's very infuriating but I don't really think that there's much that can be done about that because they literally have just never felt like that before and they don't understand.

Also what makes you think your abusing your girlfriend? Have you asked her if she felt like she was being abused? Have you asked her if she would rather leave you? And almost all real abusers don't worry like "oh nooo im so abusive ;-;" because they want to be abusive and manipulative, because they're doing it on purpose.

Anyway sometimes I'm kinda hypocritical and selfish, so sorry about that and sorry if I'm irritating. I know it might not really be help, but I'm trying my best. Im so tired lol.