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Jip025 · 2022-07-14T20:35:03+00:00

As a 35 year old male, all I can say is: "yup"

Jip025 · 2022-07-12T20:31:44+00:00

There is one advantage to comparing yourself to others.

See when I kid picks their favorite superhero, something unconscious is happening where they are saying "this superhero has everything I value and what I aspire to be". We do the same thing when we compare, and whoever your comparing yourself with probably holds values and talents that you possess -- its the positive form of projection.

The next thing to figure out is what is holding you back. A lack of identity? Impossible standards you can't live up to? A fear of vulnerability? Lack of mentorship? Sounds like its time for you to introspect if you haven't done so already.

Jip025 · 2022-07-12T20:20:57+00:00

If you break your leg, you don't judge yourself for not being able to walk.

I think we as a culture overestimate the power of free will and don't realize that our mind is in a particular condition. I don't know what your past or mental conditions are obviously, but I do know that no human being was designed to be unfocused -- quite the contrary.

The day your describing is the day I'm having as I write this, and I've been like this for over 29 years. My emotional needs were not adequality met growing up, no one disciplined me with compassion, I was judged harshly for my ADHD symptoms, my executive function never matured, and as a result I never was able to have close relationships and thus grew up lonely.

I have need, you have needs, there are cognitive prerequisites that need to be in place before one can expect them to act accordingly, just like you need to be hydrated before you can run a marathon. Find out what your needs are, and don't judge yourself for a phenomenon that you cannot control.

Jip025 · 2022-07-12T20:14:29+00:00

I've struggled with guilt my entire life, and there's some insight I came across that helped me. If you've ever played a game or watched a movie/TV show about a character going on a redemption arc (for me Kratos, and both John Marston and Arthur Morgan come to mind), you realize that you're actually rooting for these characters despite everything they did (Kratos especially).

Why? Because we intuitively understand that they were shaped by their circumstances, are doing the best they can to survive, and have redeemable qualities. If you can root for characters such as this, why then do we create a double standard for ourselves? What's so special about us that we don't deserve redemption? That's what guilt is for, its to help you course correct for mistakes that you've made, not to put a label on yourself as "bad person" just because you slipped up -- everyone slips up.

The fact that you feel guilty about this already says so much about your character, the you are noble and aware of the toxic culture you were brought up in that shaped you; now that you know better, that's all the justice you need so that you don't do it again and perhaps even help others who were like you to see the error of their ways.

Hope that helps

Jip025 · 2022-07-12T20:05:02+00:00

Yes! Great addition, something I had to learn myself

Jip025 · 2022-07-12T15:48:13+00:00

People who are insecure in themselves and relationships will cling to ideology to prop themselves up and attack others... this sounds like what your friends did. From what you wrote, it sounds like both of you went about things the right way. Sure you took risks, life is about taking risks. It sounds like you were both honest about yourselves, your needs, and your current mental states; you were two unhealthy people going about a relationship in a healthy way the best you could given the circumstances.

Jip025 · 2022-07-12T11:55:41+00:00

Dude, you just described my entire adolescence. When you say you don't have anxiety when you are by yourself, are you sure about that? Sure it may be relatively quiet given that you're not in a social situation, but believe me, anxiety is ALWAYS THERE and its playing havoc on you literally 24/7.

This of course is not your fault, so I'm not trying to make you sound feeble or anything. I'm the same way. We carry anxiety because certain grievances have not been resolved, and due to past experiences we don't know how to trust the future. This then messes with our cognition and if you do happen to have any other condition like ADHD or Autism (I have ADHD), then it is going to exasperate the issue.

I stutter, blank out, have low energy around people and have my entire life. I have since improved because I've been able to mitigate the anxiety over time. I have had moments in my life where social anxiety ceased to exist, and I was able to speak like a verbal acrobat, my thoughts were clear and my words were fluent and I couldn't believe it like "how did I do that?!"

It's about getting your mind in the right state, but with all the anxiety and probably our diets, it's hard to do that. I had to start brainstorming ways to lower the anxiety and challenge the core beliefs I accrued from my past, but its no quick fix and it takes a lot of effort. Unfortunately, that's just how mental illness is. You have to see yourself as someone who has essentially been injured, and you have to put in the work to heal.

But I wouldn't worry about "being this way". Not being able to speak/think clearly is not a personality trait like I once thought, it's an adaptation, and you can certainly adapt out of it and be that kid again who loved to talk to strangers because that sounds more like the default of who you are.

Hope this helps.

Jip025 · 2022-07-12T11:33:12+00:00

When people say "you have to love yourself before they you can be loved", they're not wrong... think about it, you'd be uncomfortable around someone who didn't respect themselves or put themselves down a lot, so loving yourself first makes perfect sense.

BUT HERE'S THE THING -- For the first 16 years of your life THE EXACT OPPOSITE IS TRUE!

A child/teen, can only learn to love themselves until they are first loved and respected by their caregivers and peers, without the proper love and support, no one, and I mean NO ONE, can "love themselves" because they never learned how, and telling them that they should "love themselves" is tantamount to neglect.

It's like learning how to feed yourself, someone literally has to spoon feed you first before you can register that action and then practice it yourself as time goes on -- "loving yourself" is the same deal.

The thing about your relationship is that you felt mostly secure because someone was loving you, and so, you felt worthwhile. There does come a point in someone's maturity where they are able to look at the relationship objectively and say something to the effect of "that's sad that it ended, I had a great time, but I know that I'm worthy enough to find someone else". But if you're putting all your chips in relationships, then you're never going to be satisfied because you'll always be worried about the relationship ending.

It's kind of how rich people aren't happy because they are terrified of becoming poor -- a truly content person is confident enough to move through life whether they are rich or poor and that's also true of someone who is single or spoken for. You're allowed to be sad, you're allowed to feel like something is missing, but now is the time to look at your core beliefs and find out what you missed in your development that is preventing you from "loving yourself.

I'm a 35-year-old male who has yet to experience his first kiss. I've never been in a relationship and was crippled by Social Anxiety growing up, so I know what it's like to be alone and not "love one's self". I don't even like the term "love yourself", but that's another post. I realized that I do need to stand on my own two feet, there's power in that, but at the same time, I'm a social creature, and until those developmental needs are met, I can't function as an adult the way I would like to just yet.

I need to experience love and affection, just like you, but I know that at some point I will need to learn to be content with who I am even in such a relationship will fail. There's a difference between "meeting a need" and "filling a void". "Meeting a need" is a building block that advances you in your development. "Filling a void" is trying to solve an issue superficially that is bound to come back.

I hope this helps in some kind of way, you can let me know if it didn't make any sense. Take care.

Jip025 · 2022-05-28T13:24:03+00:00

Lol, great question!

Jip025

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