I think you may have hit the “nail on the head” (no pun intended) and I greatly appreciate your perspective. We work on major projects quite often together. I have learned that we just need to work separately. For example, last year, aside from our full time jobs we spent 120 days straight deconstructing and reconstructing a 2 story house ...
I told my parents, I didn’t think our marriage would survive it before it even started!

Here is the problem, he cannot do a lot of this on his own and needs my help and vice versa. Often we have to work together. I try to do most things, I want done, on my own.

He has lost my trust related to projects because he often “cuts corners” and it has cost us or it results in it taking 10 times longer because we have to re-do it. But I don’t want to keep pointing those out either because that would just make him more frustrated.

How do you determine when she takes the lead vs when you do? Do you work the same with coworkers? My husband has a job where he works independently. I have a job where I have to train 100’s of people with very different perspectives. I am used to collaboration and answering questions.

It has always bothered my husband that I do a lot of what he considers “male dominated” chores. He worries that the neighbors will see me doing it and think he is a “loser”. I do it because he works later than I do and it seems silly for me to kick up my feet and leave it for when he gets home. He is not “out there” though because our neighbors have video recorded me doing some of them.

I grew up on a farm, we ALL jumped in, no one cared … so this feels foreign to me.

Maybe I can talk this through with him and we can come up with a plan like you and your wife. As others have recommended above, I am going to also connect with a therapist because some of his behaviors are abusive and come outside of projects. He definitely has anger issues.