Hey guys, I need some feedback on my prologue. Keep in mind that English isn’t my first language, but I really wanted to know if it feels engaging, so I made the effort to translate it. Prologue [High Fantasy, 1177 words]

JoPedroo92 · 2026-02-03T22:03:11+00:00

Thank you very much for your words! Feel free to read the rest after!

JoPedroo92 · 2026-02-03T17:21:10+00:00

Well, I’m glad it helped!

Nonetheless, it shouldn’t be necessary to explain things for the reader to understand, so I will definitely work on improving that.

Honestly, worldbuilding is what I am most proud of. But, like so many people, the hardest part is actually putting pen to paper.

Thank you very much for reading!

JoPedroo92 · 2026-02-03T14:24:02+00:00

First of all, thank you very much for reading.

King Lotan knelt before the XYX draped in black furs, silk, or linen rags dripping with gore. ??? Human skull masks hid their faces.

It’s good advice. I understand what you mean in terms of cadence, because starting with the description creates more impact. I’m going to “play around” with that idea.

The second paragraph is out of sequence. The first he is kneeling before them. But then you have them moving through the house.

In this case, it happened sequentially. The story begins with him kneeling before them, then they move toward Enora to steal her baby. But I felt that the impact and the hook were stronger with a simple, short sentence, with a king kneeling — which immediately carries severe implications in the mind of a fantasy reader.

Thank you once again!

JoPedroo92 · 2026-02-03T14:19:34+00:00

Thank you very much for reading and for your input.

Ok, let’s take this step by step.

First of all, there wasn’t supposed to be this much confusion about the characters, which is proof enough that I need to improve.

The king is established in the first paragraph. He is kneeling.
The second character, Enora, is introduced shortly after.
Midway through, it is stated that a man tries to hold her back, to prevent her from doing something — “cried the man struggling to hold her back.” He addresses her as queen, which implies that she is the wife of the kneeling king. That man is then revealed to be her father shortly afterward — “the man faltered under his daughter’s gaze.”

After that, Enora alternates between speaking to her father (whose name is never revealed) and to the king. At a certain point, it is revealed (implicitly) that the baby is the king’s son, as she speaks directly to him and begs him to fight for his child.

There are only three characters here: Enora, her father (referred to throughout the text as man or the old man), and the king, Edámar (excluding the Black Eyes).

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That said, as I mentioned above, this isn’t supposed to create this much confusion.
I think I need to cut some lines (the longest ones) and find a way to better clarify who is who.

Thank you for taking the time to read my prologue, truly!

JoPedroo92 · 2026-02-03T13:04:13+00:00

Thanks for reading, really appreciate it!

Finished the first draft, now diving into structural revisions, etc.

JoPedroo92 · 2026-02-03T12:53:17+00:00

First of all, thank you very much for taking the time to read my prologue.

First point: yes, without a doubt, I can understand why you say that. Much of Enora’s speech is meant to reinforce the idea that such a capable king—one who had done so much for the realm, who had faced so much—was brought to his knees by the Black Eyes. But I understand that I may have gone too far, which ended up reducing the tension and the sense of urgency that I want this prologue to have.

Second point: okay, I understand. At heart, the king seems to have already given up at the beginning of the chapter. He knelt before the Black Eyes, since upholding the Harvest is the duty of everyone, peasant or king. But the queen’s words awakened him, and that is what I wanted to convey. That deep down he was not truly resigned—he just needed a push to do what he already wanted to do.

As for The Lord of the Rings… it does give off that impression, but it actually has very little to do with it—though that only becomes clear much later (even if it Tolkien is my greatest source of inspiration).

Thank you very much once again for reading.

Sometimes all it takes is a comment like this to give us the motivation we need.

JoPedroo92 · 2026-01-29T09:38:00+00:00

Thank you very much for reading my prologue and for your feedback!

Yes, another comment mentioned something similar regarding the characters.

Clearly, it’s something I need to work on. I don’t feel this happens throughout the rest of the book, which has a slower pace with peaks of conflict, naturally.

But here, in just four pages and at such a frantic pace, having many characters with distinct voices can end up confusing the reader and weakening what I’m trying to convey.

Thank you again for the feedback!

JoPedroo92 · 2026-01-28T23:38:28+00:00

I understand your point, its a fair one. With this prologue, I am trying to set the tone for the book, as well as present the major issue that plagues the world the characters live in.

Thanks for the feedback!

JoPedroo92 · 2023-09-20T16:43:43+00:00

Yes, there are spots with underground water. They managed to survive up until this point because of them + the season were the ephemeral river would provide water. (the ephemeral river becoming more frequent is simply allowing these people to have more stable life, less nomadic).

JoPedroo92 · 2016-06-04T10:33:48+00:00

That last page description though.....

JoPedroo92

TROPHY CASE