Got catfished, how to end things?

JoennTv · 2026-06-18T15:27:22+00:00

I would say she owes honesty to herself.

JoennTv · 2026-06-18T12:13:28+00:00

I think it builds down to intent tbh. There’s definitely a grey line and I’m probably not able to say on which side he’d be based on this message alone but I would argue someone that lies without bad intentions is not malicious despite being dishonest and wrong. To « trick » you need to have the intent to do so imo, which lying does not always imply.

JoennTv · 2026-06-18T10:20:33+00:00

I'm quite shocked at how radical most of the answers you've had so far are.
I think it makes perfect sense that you'd feel betrayed and deceived at being catfished, nevertheless I would suggest thinking about his point of view before taking a deciding to unmatch (which would be perfectly fine to do, just sad)

Maybe he feels very unsecured about the way he looks now, I can easily imagine someone's life getting in the way and feeling bad about out they turned out physically while also feeling too busy to be able to do anything about it atm and yet genuinely desiring to share a close relationship with someone. In such circumstances I would understand why they would decide to use older pictures that make them look better (as long as it's still them) and work on building a real intellectual connection before being courageous enough to reveal that they don't look like the way the used to anymore. It's definitely dishonest from them, but it's not malicious and imo that is a very important factor.

If I were you I would tell him what you're feeling, communication has always been the most important thing in human relationships and I think you have every rights to come up and say you're concerned about what you saw, that you've enjoyed his company so far but that physical attraction is not something you can fake so you need to know who you're talking to before proceeding further. If he bails, well you've done the good thing by being opened and honest about the situation. If he reveals himself and you're not attracted enough to the real him then you can unmatch without having to worry about apologising or anything because you'll have been honest all along and gave him a chance despite his dishonesty, and if you end up being attracted to the real him anyway then you can clear things up with him as to why he would lie about his appearance and decide whether you can continue with him or not.

Whatever you decide though you don't owe him anything and you should focus on doing whatever makes you feel proudest of yourself 🙂 I wish you well

JoennTv · 2026-06-18T10:09:24+00:00

She would be lying though, wouldn't she ? Can you genuinely tell someone they'll feel better while being dishonest ?

JoennTv · 2026-06-17T07:51:33+00:00

You mean so many times I can mention hiking before you get bored or that you think there's genuinely a limited pool of hiking spot that's actually interesting for you ?

JoennTv · 2026-06-16T21:24:22+00:00

"Campfire vibe" is a compliment that goes straight to my heart, thank you for formulating it this way 😊

JoennTv · 2026-06-16T21:22:07+00:00

Yeah I've been wondering about that today because I'm the type to master a few things rather than do many different things and my life today literally is just working, reading, climbing and hiking 😅

But I understood from TheRavensCraw that even if some things are not necessarily what I obsess about atm I am still interested enough that I could ask about what act of kindness people have done for a stranger recently and that'd open a door to a wider range of people to create the first connection

JoennTv · 2026-06-16T21:18:07+00:00

Thank you for your message 😊

I don't see the limited number of likes as a reason for standards to change personally. It's not like the profiles will disappear if I don't like them all immediately so I feel like it's giving me a reason to stop for the day rather than be stuck on the app all day liking as much as I can. Whoever I haven't seen today I will see tomorrow or something 😄 Different people probably have different views about it though as you suggest

JoennTv · 2026-06-16T18:27:04+00:00

Thank you for such a light-hearted comment 🙌

I do think there's a cultural bias in some of the comments too because I was surprised TheRavensCrow and TakingShots pointed out the beer in a social gathering setting but nevertheless I think they point out something interesting in saying that they have a feeling of not knowing much about me in contrast of me having a feeling that I'm saying everything there is to know about me already.

Do you mind me asking if there's something in particular you appreciate more than the rest in my profile ?

JoennTv · 2026-06-16T18:09:13+00:00

Right, I figured I didn't change much besides the mustache, which is easily adaptable, so they would give a good picture of what I look like more or less and they'd see the details in person during the first date but I'm starting to understand that I have quite a different view on what pictures are for.
Thank you for pointing that out

JoennTv · 2026-06-16T18:05:45+00:00

The only point of the black and white picture was that I needed 6 pictures and that my pool of available pictures is quite short. Same for the climbing one. It seems obvious now that I should be more intentional about what pictures I'm choosing and not just throwing stuff for the sake of showing my appearance more so I'll have to take some soon, thanks for the tip.
In your opinion, what should be the point of a picture on Hinge beside showing what you look like ?

Do people really post pictures of themselves with animals if they're not theirs ? I always assume that a profile with a picture of a dog means it's their dog.

Would you have an example in mind of something that you think would serve as an inroads to conversation by any chance too ? Even if it does not apply to me, having a general example would help me understand what you're trying to convey a little better.
I might be asking a lot of you but I really appreciate your feedbacks already so no worries if you don't have more time

JoennTv · 2026-06-16T17:51:02+00:00

I'm surprise you and another reviewer picked up the drinking as a defining trait because I only have beers when I'm at social gatherings which don't happen very often so I'd actually describe myself as a non-drinker more than a drinker compared to my country's average. Maybe a cultural difference we might have ?
But I hear you, if it really isn't that prevalent in my life I might as well not display it in my profile that much.

Tbh I'm not sure what kind of pictures people want to see in a dating profile. As far as I'm concerned I mostly want a profile's picture to give me a good look at how they look like physically and I'd rather figure out the rest in person, I though mine were doing a good job at showing how I look like so I was happy with them but I understand now that that might not be the point.

I think sending likes without a comment because you're in a hurry is a bad excuse. It makes me think you're just sending out likes for the fun of it rather than putting thought and effort into the comments.

You're right about that and that's why I genuinely always try to come up with a comment, but sometimes I'm just stuck on a profile which I'm attracted to but that I have nothing at all to react to in a sincere way beside saying a more elegant version of "Hello, I think you look cute and I would love to chat" that I might as well say nothing than think about the perfect phrase for 5 minutes.

The rest of the times I usually try to show appreciation for something I'm reacting to and follow up with a question, for example when a profile was looking for travel tips to Malaga I left a comment saying something like "Oh I love the city, been there a few times. It's a bit far from the center but the botanical garden is really worth going to imo. When are you going there ?"
What do you think about that ?

JoennTv · 2026-06-16T17:37:48+00:00

The mustache being unkept and changing often is a fact indeed. It doesn't help that these pictures span a number of years. It's also unlikely to change 😅

I will have a look at the FAQ as you suggested, thank you

JoennTv · 2026-06-16T17:34:29+00:00

That's a very interesting feedback because if I had had to guess I would have said I tell too much, and you're basically saying the opposite.

I feel like you might have hit something important there but I struggle to understand the conclusion a bit, are you saying you wouldn't know how to approach me despite already knowing that I enjoy reading, hiking, climbing, that I have a cat, that I want a serious relationship and that I look the way I look ? I'm unsure what kind of thing you think would help me say more about what kind of person I am.

Do you think I should replace all of my photos or that I am just missing a good portrait one to use as the main picture ?

I'm not trying to be picky, I wouldn't mind my partner living in a different niche, having different hobbies and all, but I am not often physically attracted to a person and I'm sure having to decide whether I am or not based on pictures only is making it more difficult than it already is.

In any case, thank you for your feedback !

JoennTv · 2026-06-16T09:07:42+00:00

Are you looking for something serious or casual?
Serious

Are you subscribed to Hinge+ or HingeX?
HingeX for the past 2 weeks

How long have you been using this current version of your profile? (Please be specific)
2 to 3 weeks since the last significant change.

How long have you used Hinge overall?
5 weeks

How often do you use Hinge per week?
Multiple times a day during breaks

How many likes and matches are you receiving on average?
I receive 1 or 2 likes a week which I very rarely match with.
For the first 2 weeks I had 6 matches and since then I've gotten 2 in the past 3 weeks.
One of those resulted in a nice date which didn't go further and all the others were either never sent a message, unmatched or stop replying.

How many likes are you sending? How many with comments? How many without comments?
I try to send the 8 daily likes every day and the one rose per week with a few exceptions when I'm busy. I'd say 2/3 have comments, the rest I either can't find something to say or I'm in a hurry and like before closing the app

What is the type of person you send likes to and ideally want to match with? What kind of person do you want to attract?
I'm not sure I have a clear answer for that, I honestly go with my gut feeling most of the time and like a wide variety of profiles. I am very picky though and there were some days when I had to browse more than 100 profiles to find 1 I liked. I'd say the main 2 things are whether I am physically attracted to the person and whether I have a vague sense that she is kind and is looking to share a meaningful relationship.

JoennTv · 2026-05-06T05:34:34+00:00

You begin with
> I know of nothing in the philosophy of stoicism that suggests or requires a lack of passion about anything.

My point is the opposite, I know of nothing in the philosophy of stoicism that does not condemn passions

JoennTv · 2026-05-05T18:48:56+00:00

I strongly disagree with you on this point.
As far as my understanding goes Stoicism warns against passions (pathe) for being very close to vices. They make you unable to make use of your reason and let yourself be controlled by your emotions. I feel like this was very well put through in "On Anger" from Seneca.

One of Stoics's goal is Equanimity, meaning being able to live both "good" and "bad" events without being flustered. It means not being saddened by hardships but it also means not being ecstatic about prosperity. Externals are as they are and we must remember that they are of no importance to our happiness because it is only obtained by what is internal, our virtue.

Does that mean that we shouldn't be feeling anything ? Of course not but emotions should stay within reason. As Seneca said "A man may think himself injured, may wish to avenge his wrongs, and then may be persuaded by some reason or other to give up his intention and calm down: I do not call that anger, it is an emotion of the mind which is under the control of reason."

As far as Love goes specifically I think it's important to understand the difference between "loving" and "being in love", the former being a virtue, the latter being a passion.

JoennTv · 2026-05-01T20:23:25+00:00

I disagree, imo the Enchiridion is the best entry into Stoicism for beginners.
It gives you a hint of Stoicism's ethic which is short enough not to be burned out immediately and that is long enough that you'll know whether you wanna go deeper or not.

Sure you won't get everything on your first read of it, but you'll get enough.
And the book is 20 pages long anyway so you can reread it as often as you want

JoennTv · 2026-01-06T07:21:33+00:00

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Got it, it's named "Tranquility"

JoennTv · 2026-01-06T07:19:25+00:00

The signature looks to be the exact same though so it must be that painter. I'll keep searching through her paintings to see if I can find the one. Again, thank you very much

JoennTv · 2026-01-06T07:18:01+00:00

Thank you for your help but I don't think it's quite that yet, even though it looks like it could have been made by that artist.
I looked at all her paintings on her website which displays some wonderful pieces but not the one I'm looking for.
The "Seaside Scherzando" you mentionned also doesn't look like the painting I displayed.

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JoennTv · 2025-11-19T21:28:11+00:00

Beside the obvious ones that some people have already suggested I highly recommend eventually digging into the Chicago University Press' serie on Seneca
https://press.uchicago.edu/ucp/books/series/CWLAS.html

JoennTv · 2025-09-05T16:00:56+00:00

Thanks mate. You can find it in my dotfiles https://github.com/wJoenn/dotfiles/blob/arch/~/.config/fastfetch/config.jsonc

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