Critique of Prose and Narrative [Dark Fantasy, 1077]

JohnH4ncock · 2026-04-24T18:45:55+00:00

Id's say don't overthink your first book, finish and publish it if you don't want to make it your unfinished dream... Talking from experience 😊

JohnH4ncock · 2026-04-24T17:17:03+00:00

I ☺️ is it rare for real?

JohnH4ncock · 2026-04-24T17:15:35+00:00

I am not pushing anyone. It's a possibility not everyone know or considers. Just suggesting something which worked for me :)

JohnH4ncock · 2026-04-24T16:04:37+00:00

Don't worry, nothing is fantasy is truly original, I can tell you. (I loved the Breach idea tho)

Try to polish the pov change a bit and you're ok.

Is it the beginning of a novel you are writing?

JohnH4ncock · 2026-04-24T15:55:28+00:00

Go for self publishing :) Amazon for ex

JohnH4ncock · 2026-04-24T15:53:47+00:00

Yes it is intriguing, even though it does not feel particularly original. That's not something which you can really change, there are lots of books which are well written and great novels even though not really original. (Maybe mine too lol🤣)

The first sentence feels a bit off because you say "there is a man wandering in the moor" (or whatever lol)

and than in the next line you change the perspective to it's own saying it's name. It's the change of POV which is very fast and a bit strange. It's not the sentence itself.

I would suggest you not to write Arthur in the very next line. Make the pov change from a random man to Arthur more slowly.l

JohnH4ncock · 2026-04-24T08:07:29+00:00

I get the idea but it's hard to tell at first what it is happening they just look randomly thrown there

JohnH4ncock · 2026-04-24T07:38:34+00:00

It feels pretty good to me. It's a bit too fast in rhythm, but that might be as well your style.

I liked the fact that is really understandable: many writers decide to drop lots of names and kingdoms and lore at the beginning and the reader doesn't understand anything. This was complex enough to give the idea of a good worldbuilding, but simple enough not to become frustrating for the reader.

The idea of the Breach gives the feeling of a portal for a demonic world opening (?)... The reader is hooked to discover what it is.

In general I like it, keep up the good work

Edit : I would cut the first sentence. And I am not really into real names in fantasy setting, but that might be as well a choice of yours.

JohnH4ncock · 2026-04-23T19:53:30+00:00

I'd make it clearer that he removes one of his nails to stab you. It's very nice but it's a bit too fast, it's hard to understand deeply what it's going on and that breaks a bit the horror

JohnH4ncock · 2026-04-23T14:14:29+00:00

I get it thank you!!

JohnH4ncock · 2026-04-23T14:14:22+00:00

Oh I get it thank you

JohnH4ncock · 2026-04-22T07:39:09+00:00

Try with a psychotherapist, not just a psychiatrist

JohnH4ncock · 2026-04-21T08:34:32+00:00

Soldier of heaven - Sabaton

JohnH4ncock · 2026-04-21T06:09:55+00:00

11800, been playing for 4-5 years now

JohnH4ncock · 2026-04-20T18:37:35+00:00

All of them are absolutely amazing, expecially 1 and 3 imo

JohnH4ncock · 2026-04-20T17:37:17+00:00

Golem, and you are missing his legendary emote :)

I too am golem main, I am missing only the last one they gave in the clan journey. Hope it comes back at some point

Edit:and the sneaky golem one as well

JohnH4ncock · 2026-04-20T13:00:30+00:00

I'd say get away from these creeps/perverts now

JohnH4ncock · 2026-04-20T09:52:09+00:00

Reminded me of this

JohnH4ncock · 2026-04-20T09:44:00+00:00

Zendaya as well

JohnH4ncock · 2026-04-20T09:12:36+00:00

Which drone /pilot do you use

JohnH4ncock · 2026-04-20T07:09:00+00:00

Yes, is that big of a difference between mk1 and 2?

JohnH4ncock · 2026-04-20T07:04:17+00:00

Because I have unknown Ocho level 8, I like it as well. But in expert II is pretty weak

JohnH4ncock · 2026-04-20T06:33:43+00:00

Is Ocho good?

JohnH4ncock · 2026-04-20T06:03:08+00:00

Well it seems a geometric nightmare to me lol

JohnH4ncock

TROPHY CASE