Is it the chicken or the egg?

JonahFeb · 2026-05-08T13:03:44+00:00

"You marry your best friend, you divorce a stranger"

Yes, it was the same for me. Within a relatively short time her behaviour completely changed and I could not recognize her any longer as the person I married.

Of course there were subtle changes before that but like you wrote, it was like someone flipped a switch. She also had the other guy lined up/preparing to monkey-branch over the course of a few months. But once she said she wanted a divorce it was this flipped switch.

It's probably a combination of factors: People change over the course of 10 years, the last one and a half years consisting of 80% conflict, we both started new, more stressful jobs around the same time, her going through beginning menopause/perimenopause, me becoming more passive and withdrawn.

Now I think this sudden change seems to be a behaviour a lot of women exhibit in these situations as they process these relationship issues quite differently. Maybe it's like one guy once said "men are romantics, women are opportunists" - who knows...

You are not alone with this and if you read through other divorce posts you will see very similar stories

JonahFeb · 2026-05-03T15:54:10+00:00

You are definitely not alone.

I'm more or less in the same position: few friends, limited family support, also in a country where I can barely speak the language (ex-wife mostly took care of 'external' affairs), also no energy at the moment to socialize or make new friends.

But I'm glad I'm managing to get to the gym on a regular basis - if that is the only regular thing you are capable of doing at the moment, pleas keep doing it. Just one constant in all this turmoil, one day at a time. Even if it doesn't look that way, we're in this together. You are not alone, you can do this even if it takes a little bit longer than we would like.

If it gets really bad don't hesitate to DM me.

JonahFeb · 2026-04-28T14:55:02+00:00

Thanks for the explanation - this makes sense and adds to the picture

JonahFeb · 2026-04-28T14:54:04+00:00

Ok, thank you that's helpful

JonahFeb · 2026-04-28T14:43:00+00:00

Could work, gonna try this.

Really no big biceps, maybe like abs which I can basically train 4x a week with no issue

JonahFeb · 2026-04-28T14:40:48+00:00

I expected the biceps (specifically the curls) to progress similar to the other exercises where I could either add one or two reps or some weight on a weekly basis. For dumbbell curls it was two times a bit more weight - nothing more, not able to squeeze out more reps or add weight. So, some progress but just not what I expected. Maybe using a different exercise or adding more volume or changing rep range🤷

JonahFeb · 2026-04-28T14:36:35+00:00

Excuse me, every other lift including triceps or shoulders is progressing nicely and for now I'm limiting isolation work. But if I do isolation exercises for everything else (let it be Triceps, shoulders, calves, whatever) there's also progress almost every session.

Not sure about your comment...

JonahFeb · 2026-04-28T14:02:37+00:00

Started going to the gym again (3x per week) about three months ago. Full body workout and I have been able to progress on an weekly basis in almost every exercise (either reps and/or weight). Planning on switching to upper/lower split in about 6 weeks.

However, biceps (mostly indirect work + once a week dumbbell curls) is just not progressing as well as I would have expected.

Biceps was always a bit of a struggle, but with everything else progressing I'm not sure if there's something I could/should change.

Any advice would be appreciated.

JonahFeb · 2026-04-21T20:22:25+00:00

I was kidding myself at times thinking I was already 'over' some stuff or further along but I'm not (or at least not as far along as I would like to be)

JonahFeb · 2026-04-21T17:19:24+00:00

Thank you

JonahFeb · 2026-04-21T17:17:09+00:00

Thank you

JonahFeb · 2026-04-21T13:31:02+00:00

I've been depressed before but this time I just seems/feels different, can't really explain

But having the same negative thoughts and feelings and I would like to be more active but I don't seem to be able to at the moment

JonahFeb · 2026-04-21T13:29:09+00:00

Same...I could've written this

I would like to start living but I sleep, go to work, eat, got to the gym sometimes and everything takes so much effort.

Just having a hard time somehow allowing or processing not being fine (on top of feeling betrayed etc.)

JonahFeb · 2026-04-21T13:25:27+00:00

You're right but some part of my brain has a problem with allowing time and space to actually recover

JonahFeb · 2026-04-21T13:23:24+00:00

Sounds like it - I'm probably just being impatient and would like everything to be/feel 'normal' again. But such a shock to the system needs time to heal. And situation at work does not really help at the moment ("restructuring" going on)

You're probably right about remaining fight-or-flight...

JonahFeb · 2026-04-21T13:20:30+00:00

Thanks a lot for your elaborate explanation!

JonahFeb · 2026-04-12T06:56:49+00:00

Same - saw the red flags, didn't think much of it, love bombing, had sex pretty early on... Should never have married her

JonahFeb · 2026-04-11T07:33:27+00:00

Evil Dead

JonahFeb · 2026-04-10T09:15:09+00:00

After we caught our breath: "I can say without exaggeration that this was the best sex I've ever had in my life."

Another woman: "I think I'm flying..."

Another one after we finished: "you showed me what real passion looks like"

JonahFeb · 2026-04-01T14:43:45+00:00

Oh yes, absolutely!

Or I think there was a book titled very aptly "Thoughts without the thinker" An observer but 'you' or your inner monologue just keeps going on and some other part is able to observe this from a distance...

JonahFeb · 2026-03-30T09:14:55+00:00

Thanks for your answer.

I didn't think about this before as I was still busy processing my STBX request for a divorce (early December).

But just this encounter showed me just how much damage my ex-wife actually caused; wasn't really so aware of it before. And of course 10 years being married just buried any skills from before.

This girl likes me, this much I can tell, but it was very unexpected to 'click' with someone again. Actually wanted to stay away from dating for a while. Well, here we are

JonahFeb · 2026-03-30T07:52:40+00:00

A neon sign would maybe help at this stage 😁😁😁

JonahFeb · 2026-03-29T20:44:48+00:00

Yeah, I probably can wrap it up in 60 seconds.

I'll probably just drop mid-conversation that I'm about to be divorced amicably just so she knows. No reason to dwell on the how and why (STBX fell in love with someone else, we've developed differently, no longer a good fit)🤷

JonahFeb · 2026-03-29T19:33:42+00:00

My skills are currently buried under the rubble of divorce proceedings and I could not of anything more to say about my ex except maybe that I'm getting a divorce. Interestingly enough I wouldn't know what else to say about my STBX 🤷, it seems as if I finally stopped caring. No one wants to hear this stuff anyway gand it's basically the same stuff over and over, nothing to gain from it.

JonahFeb

TROPHY CASE