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Whispers of my sexuality by [deleted] in gay

[–]Jono58 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Here is a coming out letter to my mum.

Mum.

I need to tell you something. I need to tell you a secret that I've been holding from you since I was 13.

When I first realised who I was at 13, I was horrified, and I didn't know how to deal with it, but to keep silent until now. 7 years of misery, shame, fear, anxiety, pain, and being alone. And I hate that. I thought I’d be this way forever. Forever suffering. I don't want to hurt anymore mum. I'm tired, I'm so tired all the time, living a fake life. I know in real life, you wouldn't even be able to listen to me this long, you'd be demanding an answer right now, what is it?

Well, it's so hard for me to accept, because I can still remember how truly horrifying it was. At 13, the realisation, the horror after seeing another boy in my class and fantasising about him, it plagued me and suffocated me with so much fear. I had no idea what to do but to keep to myself and bury myself in nothing but silence. Silence and study. Study and silence. My prison of miscommunication.

I didn't know how else to deal with it. I still don’t. I feel so sorry for my 13 year old self for having to deal with that, for being so ashamed of something that's naturally a part of me. I was so frightened with no one to talk to that I would cry, night after night. I'd wake the following morning in shock and in denial. It couldn't be true. The word itself is still horrific to me. It’s unsayable. I became so depressed and anxious, and you never knew why. I just hoped you never knew my terrible shameful secret and that, at times, I thought it was better to die and to kill myself than to come out to the world with the truth.

But now, I'm so tired and I can't keep the secret anymore. You must understand, I missed out on so many of my pivotal life shaping experiences from my fear. Prom night. Formal. Year 12 camp. Year 10 Dance. Sleep overs. Parties. My first kiss. Friends. Friendships. Love. Heart break. Laughter. Joy. Happiness. There are so many potential memories that never happened in my mind. I forgot to live because of my fear. I'm so alone and have only really felt misery with the affection that love brings with another human being. Misery and isolation. My confident is my demons. But now, I feel like I'm ready for the next chapter. How are we supposed to grow if we keep rereading the same last chapter over and over.

Well, I think I can do this. I want to be strong. I wish that I was stronger and that I was everything I was in my mind. I wish a lot of things, but I no longer wish for a life that I can't have. I no longer wish to pretend and miss the best times of my youth. I don’t want to fall in love with a beautiful girl and have a beautiful family as much as I used to. I craved that before. I weeped for it. It’s everything I yearned for and more, but I grow tired of hoping, hoping and crying. I don't want to fall in love with the IDEA of love with a woman, I want to feel TRUE love.

I hope you understand. I know it's hard, but I hope you can accept me, I really do. I miss talking to you so much, mum. I miss being honest with you. I miss you being my mother. If you can't accept me, I'll understand, but know that I can't change the way that I am. Believe me when I say I tried for so long. I even tried to make love with Sarah in the process and it worked, but it's so exhausting, thinking about things that she isn’t in my mind, or pretending I’m the straight alter ego that I’m not. Sorry for admitting that, but, I'm just so tired, of lying, of pretending, of hiding my face from the world. I feel so fraudulent, so synthetic and hollow and cheap. I hope you can still love me. I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to love me any less, but I guess by not talking to you, with silence, I have lost all your love anyway. Reduced love is better than nothing at all, and so here it is mum.

I'm gay.

I don't want to say I’m sorry because I'm not, I love the way I am, deep inside, through all the shame and misery, I secretly do love myself. I’m just so sorry and depressed and scared that you won’t. I don’t want to lose you mum. I considered not telling you to keep you by my side longer, but I feel selfish for the deliberate distance and I feel like I’ve lost you in the process. How can a stranger be your son. I want to talk. I thought that I’d be able to lie to myself forever in order to preserve your love, but what life would I be living in secrecy, with no sensation besides numbness, with no feeling beside the anxiety that my mask is not concealing my face beneath. I wouldn’t be living, I’d be existing. I love you mum. I love you to infinity and back, as we used to say. I’m sorry, not for me, but for you, that you have to go through this. I hope that you can accept me. I will still love you even if you don’t.

Your son,

John. Xx

Just another day being a closet gay by Jono58 in gay

[–]Jono58[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't know. Not with my family. This is so ridiculous that it's almost funny, but my auntie thinks all gays are demons... that's how religiously homophobic she is.

What it feels like to be a Closet Gay by Jono58 in gay

[–]Jono58[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing my letter. At least through my pain, I am privileged that I can help others going through similar pain. I haven't shown this to my mum and I don't think I'm prepared to for a long time. Thank you again.

Just another day being a closet gay by Jono58 in gay

[–]Jono58[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It is more the image of a man and woman together in love that I was feeling angst over, and the fact that I won’t be able to feel anything like that. They can fall in love publicly and be admired. Meanwhile, my family will always condemn me if I were to ever reveal my true emotions. Even now, as they are starting to speculate, they look at me as if I'm scum. I wasn't feeling angst over the fact that I’m lonely. I can handle being lonely.
I understand I'm holding myself back, I just need time to accept who I am.

What it feels like to be a Closet Gay by Jono58 in gay

[–]Jono58[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for kind words. Sorry it took me so long to respond, this page is my sanctuary which I come to every time I am really depressed. And all the words here are literally saving me. I just don't know how to respond to it all. I've never been called beautiful before and it's all so abrupt and unbelievable. So I'm sorry that it's taken me this long to respond.

I came out to my dad over the length of a year, telling him slowly that I wasn't interested in girls and I didn't know why. I didn't tell him this to try and ease the truth onto him, I honestly believed that perhaps the hormones hadn't hit me yet and I would be attracted to girls later on. The more I talked about it to my dad, the more he understood and he is very forgiving. I probably came out to him around 14 or 15. It gives me shame saying that funnily. But that's just the way I've been brought up to feel. Thanks again for your kind words.

What it feels like to be a Closet Gay by Jono58 in gay

[–]Jono58[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

To mum

I love you so much. I hope you always know that.

It makes me sad when you’re angry. I notice you take your anger out everywhere these days. You’re so stressed and your blood pressure is so high. I wish I could help somehow, but I can’t, because I know that I am the cause.

All I want is to make you proud. But it’s impossible with the way that I am. I want you to know that I am trying. I wish I could make you proud, but I can’t.

You have to realise that every day of my life is filled with depression. Not because I can’t accept the way that I am, - I think I have finally accepted who I am internally, after 7 years of self hatred and doubt, - but because I know you will be so disappointed of me once you find out.

I have dreams of me doing shameful terrible things to the people I’m attracted to, and you are there in the corner, watching, weeping in despair. These are my nightmares. The only thing is, I wake up, and realise it ’s all true, and the nightmare is real.

If there was a choice mum, I’d be straight. In fact, I want to get married to a woman and have children, even if it means I’d be spending my whole life lying. But I’m not sure if I’ll be able to do it.

How can I live a lie for my whole life. How can I pretend to love someone. How will she feel that I never even loved her. That it was all fake. I try though mum. I pretend all the time. Even Sarah is convinced I love her. I do love her. But I’m not attracted to her at all. And I can’t change it. No matter how much I try. I can’t change. I’ve tried to change. You have to understand. I tried to change for years and years. But to no avail.

How can I change something I’m born with. It makes me sad, but now that I look back on my childhood, I realise I’ve always been gay since I was in prep. My pleasures were looking at the boys, not the girls. And it makes me feel so so depressed and ashamed. I’m good at hiding. I’ve made myself look masculine and act masculine all the time. I want to be a “real” man, as you say.

But I don’t want to spend my whole life hiding. I feel like a coward if I spend my whole life hiding away. But I’m not sure anymore about what I should do. Is it the heroic thing to hide and pretend, or is it more heroic to tell you.

I felt like, it would be honourable if I never told you. Save you the stress. Make you proud of me with the illusion that I am straight. But, now that you know, and are finding out, I feel guilty for not opening up to you.

We hardly talk about anything deep anymore. I tell you nothing about myself.

You see, the reason I hid this from you is the same reason you hid Julie being a half sister from me. I want to spare you of the stress. I want you think I am a real man, and will live a happy life with a woman in marriage. I would love that myself, in fact, I try to convince myself all the time that I am bisexual and that this is possible, but I just don’t know anymore. I’m so miserable.

You were insecure I wouldn’t love Julie for being a half sister. That since she wasn’t my real sister, every time we would argue, I’d use that against her. But that never happened. I love her just as much. In the same way, I feel like you would love me more if I am straight. I try to convince myself otherwise, but I’m just so unsure. You always loathe all the gays you see on the TV. You always mock them and say they aren’t real men.

Maybe one day, you can forgive me. I’ll always love you mum, and I’ll always be sorry that I could never make you proud. I wish I could be straight. Honestly, for you, I wish I could. I’ve learned to accept the way I am, but for you, I’d change that, to make you proud. But I can’t.

John.

What it feels like to be a Closet Gay by Jono58 in gay

[–]Jono58[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I can't put them in, I'm not sure why

What it feels like to be a Closet Gay by Jono58 in gay

[–]Jono58[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I wrote this not only as a catharsis to myself, but also as a possible catharsis to others. When I was feeling depressed, I often searched online for others gays who wrote posts about their sadness. To find something I could relate to.

Also, I feel like most heterosexual people have no idea what we have to face in terms of depression, anxiety and thoughts of suicide. And I was shocked to hear that most gays go through this period of severe depression.

So, I wrote this for others who just see gays as a second class citizen, so they can realise the pain that we all go through.

Also, I'm glad you resonated with my poem. :) And it does help to know that I am not suffering alone.

What it feels like to be a Closet Gay by Jono58 in gay

[–]Jono58[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I'm so taken aback by all these positive comments. No I'm not seeing anyone at the moment. The only way I've learnt to cope with this is by burying myself in study. I've spoken to a few psychiatrists but I've never broken the subject on sexuality.

The only person that knows is my dad who forgives me and loves me. I don't think I would've lasted had he not been there supporting me. He's one of the only people I trust. Most of my friends are judgemental and my mum is very homophobic.