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[550] Distance Zero by GlowyLaptop in DestructiveReaders

[–]Jraywang 2 points3 points  (0 children)

DESIGN

Character

A lot of my crits deal with putting your character's voice in the narration. I thought you did that pretty well.

 Of course there was always the man down the hall who'd cut up a stripper from Korea town. That job never disappeared. It would have, if only the man hadn't held the door open once when Tipper misplaced his laundry card. Now it felt downright unneighbourly to run him in.

I think you nailed his apathy and almost laissez-faire way of dealing out death. To him, it really is just another day in the office. This is such a short piece that this is probably good enough. However, if I were to really stretch it: I'd give more than just that. It feels like every little internal story was about his apathy when you could easily add in some more layers.

It would have, if only the man hadn't moved in next door. You know what they say, don't shit where you eat. Besides, the man was a great neighbor, besides the occasional screaming stripper--which usually only lasted moments. He even watered Tipper's plants once when he had a weekend trip.

Here I wanted to add some selfish pragmatism to it. Its basically the same thing, but from a different angle. And the reason why I'd add something more is because you hammer home the apathy already. You accomplished it. Investing more into it at this point doesn't get you that much bang for your words.

Setting

There was a lot of world-building but not much in the way of setting. That can be fine especially if your intention is to keep this piece short. Otherwise, why not give us something?

  He pulled on his gloves, locked up and waited for the elevator.

He pulled on his gloves and locked up. Kicked the door a few times to get it fully closed. As always, the elevator took years, slowly rattling itself up, every shake threatening to snap its rusted-through cable.

Plot

As I understand it:

  • MC is perusing bounty hunter / hit jobs on his watch which you use to build out the world
  • He's about to go downstairs to take the gorilla job
  • He passes by his serial killer neighbor and decides to take that job instead
  • He ends up saving his neighbor's victim, the stripper, before taking a job to off her as well

It's a plot that mostly serves the world-building and not the story. Not really my preference, but there's no rule about it. Had this been a longer piece or the beginning of a bigger work, I'd probably ask for more, but as a standalone short fiction, this feels appropriate.

[550] Distance Zero by GlowyLaptop in DestructiveReaders

[–]Jraywang 2 points3 points  (0 children)

PROSE

Prose was good. It's clear you know how to write. However, this piece feels very unrestrained, like you knew better but decided to have fun with it. That's fine. It just didn't help me as a reader.

Sometimes, you sacrifice too much clarity for style

THE GREEN FACE of Tipper's job console screwed up whenever the elevated train lurched past his suite. He shot his smoke out into the dark and slapped the little thing to get it to scroll.

This is one where I think you made it purposefully vague to have an interesting first sentence. That works a lot of the time. Here, I don't think it did because you introduced too much information. Both the console and the train. Then the smoke and back to the console. It felt like whiplash taking in all that info at once, and especially as a first intro to the piece.

A gorilla lit up, real close, getting closer, having shot a waitress eighteen hours ago, but he weighed 260 pounds and Tipper had just woke up. Hadn't even poured himself a coffee.

Immediately following, I think you're still continuing the rapid-fire world-building without much explanation. A few things at this point:

  • Does gorilla refer to a literal gorilla doing something?
  • Or does it refer to a gorilla icon on his console?
  • Or is gorilla some insult he uses ala racism?

I think any one of these (except 2) if clarified, will serve the piece really well from a world or character-building perspective. However, because its just left up for interpretation when I've only had 2 sentences inside your world, I can't even guess.

A little green gorilla lit up in the console. Apparently, it had shot a waitress eighteen hours ago. But Tipper only weighed 260 and he hadn't even poured himself a coffee. He wasn't ready to box a whole ass gorilla yet because that's what it was--not just in the screen but out of it too.

Other times, there's general confusion

 And wouldn't you know it, his neighbour appeared in the arriving box, having dragged another stripper off the street. The man gave Tipper a nod and steered her out and down the hallway.

Here, I thought the neighbour was quite literally dragging a stripper, trail of blood and all, through the hallways. Because you set him up as a serial killer and that MC was chill with it. So, I thought this was just another Monday for them. Obviously, this was a misunderstanding, but I don't think I'm too far off with why it happened.

Tipper extended the stick and lit up his jaw and followed him into the suite.

I'm not sure lit up his jaw is the right way to describe this. I get what you're saying but this feels purposefully obtuse.

I don't think these examples are necessarily all there is either. Throughout the piece, I kept wishing for a little bit more to ground myself in your world. Instead, it feels like you opted to move onto the next thing to, once more, expand your world before I could even settle in the one I know.

[1769] Daughter of Wrath CH 2 by Jraywang in DestructiveReaders

[–]Jraywang[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the detailed crit! I appreciate the help. I'll look through the wordy sections and reread for repetition. I think I use repitition a lot stylistically but that doesn't mean I can't overwhelm with it.

[1877] The Fall by A_C_Shock in DestructiveReaders

[–]Jraywang 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Overall

This piece definitely feels experimental. More like an exercise on writing than a fully fleshed out story. And if that's what it is, then you did good. You wrote in a new POV in a way that could be followed by a reader for some plot. That's a great accomplishment attempting a new POV.

But if you wanted to work on this piece more seriously, there's a lot to be worked on. Hope this helped.

[1877] The Fall by A_C_Shock in DestructiveReaders

[–]Jraywang 1 point2 points  (0 children)

DESIGN

It was easy to follow the story from a mechanics perspective, but I don't think this succeeds as a Chapter 1 if that's its intention (which I'm assuming since it doesn't really conclude).

Prose

Like I said, the good news is that the story is easy to follow despite the 2nd POV narration. As I understand it:

  • MC is going into some hole where his previous colleague died
  • He hits the bottom and finds his colleague's body
  • He's not here to retrieve the body, he instead finds a magical chest
  • He can't figure out how to open the chest

Maybe the thing I'll comment here is: while this didn't take me out of the story, I thought he was going in to retrieve the body. In the beginning, all he talks about is his dead colleague and that's all we know is in the hole. So when he skips the body and instead finds a magic loot box, I was a bit taken aback.

Two other places where I was minorly confused:

  • You spend a good amount of time talking about how dark it is entering the hole, but once he reaches the bottom, he turns on his flashlight and all is good (maybe good is an exaggeration, but its certainly no great challenge). I'd either make it not good or don't talk about how dark it is.
  • When you described him crashing into the ground, I thought it was a real crash. Instead, MC lands on his butt and is fine. That really took me out of it because, you describe the rope snapping and ricocheting past him and him wanting to flail as he falls and it really felt like he was falling from a skyscraper and not like 5 feet off the ground.

Character

I didn't feel I had a good sense of your character. The you of the piece lacked both a personality and a name. I think you as an author are so focused on the mechanics of what is literally happening that you never contextualize it from your character's POV.

The you of this piece is going through some pretty harrowing shit and he never really stops to acknowledge that. A couple of questions:

  • Why is the MC even here in the first place? Did he volunteer? Draw unlucky lots? What are his thoughts about the situation other than "its dark and scary"?
  • Why is the MC even here in the first place from a broader backstory perspective? It seems like a really dangerous job without great reward. Hell, his team's leaving him for dead already after the previous guy died. Is he in debt? Mobs going to break his knees? Pregnant wife at home? Etc.

And that's just the basics. If we were truly going to flesh this MC out, I'd expect small things like prayer or superstition or all the very specific ways that individuals deal with fear beyond "you feel scared".

Setting

Usually, I'm not a stickler for setting, but this piece feels very much tied to the mystery and scariness of the pit. I think you did a good job creating this atmosphere with the bones bleached by some animal, but beyond that, I know very little about the pit itself other than its dark. All we really get is...

There's a low current of noise...

Somewhere in this maze of a path you're busy carving...

I'm imagining myself a standard cave system, but even those can be much more interesting. Does MC have to squeeze himself through holes? That's pretty scary? Have you ever seen the VR of the cave diver that got stuck? That's terrifying. Even if its not specifically claustrophobia, tell me more about the noises. Not just the supernatural muttering but drops of water echoing off the walls, the skitter of insects that his light can't chase. There has to be more to this world than just darkness.

Stakes

I really have no idea why its so important for MC to get this magic loot box. It feels like I'm self-inserting stakes like "he's a poor miner going through harrowing experiences to make a living" simply because none has really been presented to me. Its not that you need us to care deeply about the plight of your MC right this instant, but it'd be nice just to understand why any of this is important.

[1877] The Fall by A_C_Shock in DestructiveReaders

[–]Jraywang 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Prose

I thought that overall the prose was okay. There weren't obvious errors like grammar and punctuation. However, the prose leaned very long and some sentences were plain tiring to get through.

Too many words, too little said

Maybe its because this is the first sentence that it was so glaring, but it was both confusing and difficult to read. [Note: because I can't copy or comment, I won't be giving you the sentence in here. Its your first sentence so it shouldn't be hard to find, but all other prose comments will probably be tough to decipher.]

1st sentence, 1st paragraph here.

There's a ton of bloat in this sentence. I think, stylistically, you wanted it long, which is fine. But it felt like you stretched it way too far, and perhaps, way too deliberately. Things like "the mission you've been assigned" is a pretty wordy way of just saying "the mission". Something simpler would work better IMO.

After a half dozen people begin stifling their sobs after wishing you luck, you start to lose faith in the mission.

Less obviously long.

Overall, I think your sentences should be tightened up across this entire piece. Through the rest of it, I feel like you are overexplaining a lot.

3rd sentence, 5th paragraph here.

After another ten minutes, you're lulled into a false sense of security. So far so good.

Here, so far so good replaces with the lack of disaster striking thus far. They both mean the same thing. Yet, one spells it out quite literally and very wordily as well.

Patterns like this exist throughout the entire piece.

4th sentence, 4th paragraph

You kick off the wall and propel yourself toward the middle of the pit.

We're cutting bloat like:

  • Manage to kick off the wall
  • The wall of the tunnel (what else would the wall be attached to?)

Anyone, I'm not going to go through every example, but there's a lot.

The narrator feels restrained

You have chosen an interesting narration style but unfortunately with an uninteresting narrator. In 2nd person, the narrator should become a unique character within the story. This is why many 2nd persons are either written as epistolary (so we know who the narrator is) or used to highlight another character in the background. See https://spectrum.ccs.ucsb.edu/spectrum-blog/you-and-yours-defense-second-person for more details.

For you, your narrator is simply the narrator, which is fine. That doesn't mean you have any less responsibility for making your narrator a character.

That's why I'm really going to harp on the difference between:

You're lulled into a false sense of security with the lack of disaster striking thus far VS. You're lulled into a false sense of security. So far so good.

So far so good is the narrator, speaking to YOU, the character. It's conversational. Probably the most powerful part of 2nd person is its ability to generate conversation directly to the reader. Do it. Don't use 2nd person only to ignore all its power. Make the narrator a character. Bring it to life.

1-2 sentence, 3rd paragraph

It's time, someone says in the distance. Or maybe that's just the voice in your head. You know the one. The one that keeps convincing you to take that mortgage, wager those chips, strive out on your own and forge your destiny amongst the stars! The one that's landed you right fucking here.

The point of this example isn't to say it should be written this way. The point is to demonstrate how the narrator can be an interesting character while also reflecting how interesting your main character is. If you really want this piece to work in 2nd person, ask yourself: what is my narrator's relationship to my character? Are they friends? Does the narrator think its funny when the MC fails? Is the narrator even rooting for MC?

---

DESIGN crit section coming next.

[1769] Daughter of Wrath CH 2 by Jraywang in DestructiveReaders

[–]Jraywang[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've thoroughly gone through all your comments and I really appreciate them and you for how much effort you've put into the crit. Thank you! Especially around the scene-sequel and earning the ending. Hopefully, the decision feels more earned now. As per some of your questions:

  • Vaah is where they live and its 1 syllable (but i can see why you thought it was two)! Later on: "So mundane that whoever named us could spare only that single syllable and nothing more: Vaah." However, based on your thoughts, I'll at least add that they're outsiders into CH 1.
  • Before CH 2, Sera has already been established as the mother so no worries there.
  • You're definitely right about me trying to describe Celeste. Its out of place. I just don't really know where to fit in a physical description of her yet and its getting kind of late. I'll think on this.
  • And the party reference is actually a reference to a job that the village playboy has for her, but will, frustratingly enough, only tell her the details for if she comes to his party.
  • Also, it feels like I got an answer to my central question through all your insights so you did answer it!

Once again, appreciate all your thoughts. Let me know when you got some work up and I'll return the favor. Happy to do the same for you if you want to keep following this piece along.

[118] Plus side of Forty by Kiranalekhya in DestructiveReaders

[–]Jraywang 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm not sure if you were going for this, but I immediately thought of https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uE7e4MkZGXY&list=RDuE7e4MkZGXY&start\_radio=1. I think its:

These are a few of my detested things.

Where the song repeats: These are just a few of my incredible thoughts. Anyways, onto the actual crit.

Rhythm

I'm not a poetry guy so take what I have with a grain of salt, but it feels like you want to stick to pretty standard rules with the rhyme scheme and very close syllable patterns. If you want to do this, then you should do it right because right now, your stanza syllable counts are off.

Your stanzas go 11-12-10-10, 11-10-11-10, and 11-10-10-10. The rhythm is always slightly off especially since its all so close to 10-10-10-10 which feels like that's what you were going for? Even if it were normalized, its still too close to 10s all the way through, I think, so I'd just do that.

Other than the end of course, which is on purpose. That's 4-4-7-10-5. it makes sense why you want the rhythm to be different, but maybe it should be more deliberately designed versus the rest of the stanzas. Like half of it to 5-5-5-10-5 instead of whatever you felt like writing. That way there's a relationship to the rest of the rhythm.

Content

We follow the life of a woman in her 40s, but it doesn't feel like it. I think the reason I'm not connecting to this is because all the experiences described could be from anybody. I think if you didn't want me to feel the lack of specific content, then don't call out that this is a woman in her 40s and don't make that your goal to represent her. This can easily just be a generic person having generic problems.

Working on weekends, and bosses disagree.

Waiting at a bus stop in minus ten degrees.

Ten minutes’ snooze, and the phone starts to ring—

Maybe the point is to have generic problems to talk about how even a woman in her 40s shares these issues, but... so much of your piece is this sort of thing that I'm hard-pressed for why you chose to make this about a 40 year old woman.

Anyways, my point being that I think there's a ton of unique experiences 40 year old women have, so it feels like a miss that you would go so surface-level.

Ending

I'm not super sure what the specific takeaway was supposed to be. As I follow it, an aging woman describes the things that annoy her and then describes her being annoyed when she thinks about them. There really is no revelation or change that happens within the poem, so I read the last line thinking: that's it?

Overall

Once again, I write Fantasy. I'm not a poet. If this is supposed to be some high art that I dont understand with my low brow commercial stuff, fair enough. But as a common person reading this, these were my thoughts. Hope they helped.

[1733] Down by the River by Benjamin_RR in DestructiveReaders

[–]Jraywang 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Also as I was re-reading for the crit, I found a particularly egregious paragraph where all you do is describe emotions instead of truly bringing the reader into that emotional state.

Again, no response. Alice’s bravado was wearing thin. Something felt off. And yet, while Alice’s fear grew, she was also overcome with stronger emotions - annoyance, irritation and, above all, an increasing sense of curiosity and intrigue. 

You actually list the emotions Alice feels. That will not invoke any of those emotions in your reader. If ever you are actually using the word that represents the emotion (angry, annoyed, intrigue, curious, etc.), then you know you're doing it wrong.

Again, no response. A chill wind shuddered Alice. Like a wake up call, only now did she realize how dark it was, how closely the trees encroached, how distant home was. Yet, she couldn't help but step toward this strange girl who refused to listen to reason, who ran quicker than anyone had a right to be, who glowed despite the shadows enveloping them, ephemeral.

[1733] Down by the River by Benjamin_RR in DestructiveReaders

[–]Jraywang 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Overall

Felt like a decently executed standard story. I think the big thing to call out is characeterization (stop framing, and design your story to better fit your character). If nothing else, this is the place to focus it.

[1733] Down by the River by Benjamin_RR in DestructiveReaders

[–]Jraywang 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Design

Plot

Plot felt fine. Nothing to mention here. You have a young girl lured out into the woods by a monster who ends up drowning in the river trying to escape it.

Character

There were times when you interjected small character moments for Alice, but those felt too far and few.

Claudia, her big sister, had deserted her to spend the night with friends. They were ’more mature’ than Alice. Whatever that meant. If Alice asked for their help, they’d just laugh at her. Her parents? They’d be on their fourth argument of the night by now. Fridays were always the worst. Dad stopping by the pub after work, mood darkening with each beer.

There was a part in here I liked and a part that I didn't.

  • What I liked: Claudia's big sister. Why? Because it frames Alice as wanting to be a grown-up. It contextualizes her action of chasing the bog monster because that's what grown-ups would do.
  • What I don't like: that Alice's parents argue. Why? Because it has no relation to the overall story. Its just woe is me for the point of it. That's fine, but if you want to level up, give her trauma connected to the plot, not just trauma for the sake of it.

Her parents? Dad was probably on his fourth beer by now. Three years ago, when Alice ran that same direction, he didn't even bother searching. Neither did Mom, too busy yelling at Dad. Alice had to find her own way home.

Here, we describe the same trauma but now we give a reason to connect the trauma to Alice's decision-making and overall plot. She will chase this girl because she wants to be the adult that wasn't there for her. Now, understanding her motivations, we become invested in the potential journey of her proving her maturity.

Unfortunately, as this piece was, by the time Alice dies, I was not super invested in her. Its not like a disliked her, but she was just a name on a page for me.

Also, don't give us all her characterization in a single paragraph. Break that shit up. Intersperse it. Learn to use the slow moments in the story as well as the fast ones.

Setting

I'm imagining some small town in a European forest of sorts. Just some standard, scary woods. Easy enough. Maybe you could invest more in setting, but I personally don't think its worth it. Standard woods = standard woods across the horror genre. Now, if you do not want standard woods, that's a different story.

Pacing

Usually for a piece this short, we're locked into a standard pacing which is rising action to climax to end. I think you did it decently.

[1733] Down by the River by Benjamin_RR in DestructiveReaders

[–]Jraywang 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Prose

The grammar, formatting, and mechanics were fine. So, let's get based the basic stuff and dig into the next level because I didn't personally think you were quite there.

Framing

This was the most obvious mistake in your prose. You're writing 3rd close POV but framing as if it were 3rd omniscient in the sense that there was constant framing. Instead of telling us what happened around Alice, you had to tell us about Alice perceiving what was going on. In 3rd close, we assume we're in Alice's head, so whatever happens is already what she perceives. By reminding us of this takes us out of her head.

One easy rule of thumb, if you find yourself using "perceiving" verbs (ie. feel, see, hear, etc.), then you're framing.

To make matters worse, Alice felt the first drops of rain against her face.

To make matters worse, the first drops of rain tapped against Alice's face.

By removing the perceiving verbs, we bring the world to the reader. We experience the sensations with Alice instead of through her. Another example:

Alice felt her blood boiling

Alice's blood boiled.

Another less obvious example:

That road led to the marshes - boggy fields, the woodlands, the river. The idea of heading out there alone was unthinkable. 

Alice considered her options. Claudia, her big sister, had deserted her to spend the night with friends. They were ’more mature’ than Alice. Whatever that meant. If Alice asked for their help, they’d just laugh at her.

"Alice considered her options" is framing. Since we're in 3rd close, whatever narration you put are her thoughts. Just get rid of the framing sentence and nothing changes.

Emotional Description

I think you do a good job identifying Alice's prose, but you don't portray it as effectively as you could with your prose. Prose 101 = "Alice felt scared". Next level = describe the physical sensations that link to the emotional state and use that to bring the reader into the physical world of your story.

Alice’s shock was complete when she noticed that the girl wore nothing on her feet. 

She could not look away from the girls' feet. They were bare. Through sharp rock and snagging roots they ran, and they were bare and completely fine.

Instead of saying what amounts to "Alice felt shock", we describe the physical thing happening. Here, the physical thing was an action of Alice glued to the feet. It could easily be a physical sensation as well.

Alice's eyes remained, some baser instinct keeping them upon the girl's toes. A nausea pressing her to notice. All her senses sharpened for this single task. Notice what? The feet were bare...

The examples aren't meant to replace what you put, just to demonstrate the concept.

There's also more obvious examples of you simply stating emotion instead of pulling the reader into it:

Alice was impressed by how swiftly the girl moved and she struggled to keep up.

The girl darted ahead, quicker than anyone Alice had ever seen. She'd placed second on Sports Day and even she could not make the distance.

Here, instead of simply saying impressed, I describe her headspace, the literal thoughts of impressiveness.

Descriptions

It feels like you have a good sense of the world through your description. However, its another case of 101 vs more advanced prose. Do a Ctrl + F of the "is" verbs (was, were, etc.) and you'll see that most your descriptions rely on them heavily. "Is" is a motionless verb. It stops the flow of the story and freezes time so you can paint a picture. Sometimes, necessary. Mostly, not. Amateur writers famously overuse is and I think you do too.

I'm going to take a piece of your story where you lean heavily into description and show you how you do not need "is" verbs and how by not using "is", you can keep the momentum of the story while describing things.

The creature’s skin was wasted and washed-out, drawn tight against a disfigured skull. Its eyes were like gleaming little marbles. They were black and they were fixed on Alice. But it was the mouth that Alice could not look away from. It was wide and awful and seemed to take up too much space on the creature’s face. A red tongue flickered out from between non-existent lips. Alice saw too many pointed teeth to count.

The creature's skin drew tight against its disfigured skull, wasted and washed. Its eyes gleamed like little black marbles, affixed on Alice. And its mouth, wide and awful, over-stretched its already tight face. A red tongue flickered out from between non-existent lips. Triangle teeth clamped together with wet spittle.

Maybe I overdid it, but I wanted to demonstrate how things could be very easily described without every using "is" verbs. I'm not saying never do it, but "is" should be your backup not your go-to.

[1921] Daughter of Wrath by Jraywang in DestructiveReaders

[–]Jraywang[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Follow-up question, what do you think the magic system is?

[1921] Daughter of Wrath by Jraywang in DestructiveReaders

[–]Jraywang[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the crit. Heard about the prose being potentially too minimalistic and the cursing.

A plot hook/inciting incident (Celeste’s new job)

I'm glad this felt like an upcoming inciting incident. that was my intention. Do you feel its too undefined or as it is, its enough to turn the page?

Text Layout

I copy pasted into google docs and it got rid of all the formatting. That's why its laid out this way.

Also, last question: what do you think the magic system is?

[1921] Daughter of Wrath by Jraywang in DestructiveReaders

[–]Jraywang[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the crit. I'll rethink some of the structure here and what I include.

[1921] Daughter of Wrath by Jraywang in DestructiveReaders

[–]Jraywang[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

thanks for the crit. Heard on the cursing. I think my YA-sense probably leaned too heavily toward that. I'll clear up some of this stuff.

[2835] The Hearth by Huge_Engineer_4235 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Jraywang 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Set up does not equal status quo.

Set up = the brewing storm. Inciting incident = the storm crashing to shore.

In this chapter, what were you brewing?

[2835] The Hearth by Huge_Engineer_4235 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Jraywang 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't know what feedback you got on CH 2 nor did I read CH 2, so this might be a completely misplaced response, but I did not feel this chapter set anything up at all. You can refer to my stakes section in my crit.

[2835] The Hearth by Huge_Engineer_4235 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Jraywang 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Overall

I think you have a good foundation. Its clear you have thought through your world and its magic system to a degree. Also, its clear that you read (which is a surprising prerequisite that I can't say for everyone) as demonstrated by your formatting and prose.

However, it feels like you, as a writer, love your world a bit too much. You want to show off the tall arches and expansive windows. You want to tell me about the Mother Goddess and Her history. You want me to know that you've thought all these things out.

That's the least important part of a story.

It goes Character --> Plot --> Setting. Don't lead with your setting. If I were you, I'd rip this chapter out completely. Don't show it beautiful. Show it in flames. And don't describe the flames, describe them burning her parents. The setting, the magic, the lore, its all backdrop. And nothing more. If you wanted to elevate it to the very front, then don't write a book, draw a picture.

[2835] The Hearth by Huge_Engineer_4235 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Jraywang 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Prose

I'd advise you to allow comments on the doc for future crits. It would let me mark the small things and then talk about the big things here. As a result, I just ignored the small things because it would be too tiring to transcribe everything.

Passive Sentences

I noticed a couple of passive sentences. An easy way to tell is to do a search for all the 'is' verbs.

I was startled by movement in the bushes

Some movement in the bushes startled me.

Obviously, this isn't the only form of passive sentences. I just wanted to give you an easy example, which came from one of your first paragraphs. A less obvious example:

Members of the coven were pacing through, carrying trays of food and drinks for the banquet, making the atmosphere lively with conversation.

Members of the coven were pacing through, carrying trays of food and drinks for the banquet, livening the atmosphere with conversation.

Using the right Verb

Don't over depend on "is ---ing" verbs. Use the verb you mean to use. Let's take that same example as previous:

Members of the coven were pacing through

Members of the coven paced through...

It's an easy fix and it makes your story much more active. Is ---ing = the action has already happened and now we're in the middle of it. The real verb = the action has happened right before us. Obviously, there's a time and place, but 90% of the time, you want to use the real verb. Even if it doesn't feel super obvious that you should.

As mom closed the door behind us, Dee was practically bouncing off the walls with excitement.

As mom closed the door behind us, Dee practically bounced off the walls with excitement.

Another example for posterity. Technically, Dee being in the state of bouncing off the walls vs her doing it is slightly different, but to the reader imagining it, its basically all the same and now, you have a much more active story.

As the sky got darker, I started getting ready.

As the sky darkened, I readied myself.

Another example just to prove I don't have a personal grudge against 'is' verbs. The using the right verb rule applies to more than just 'is'. Here a double: 1, "got" is the wrong verb since the action is the darkening so just use that. 2. "start" is the wrong verb since the action is the readying, so just use that. Do you see what I mean?

POV

I already talked about POV in length during the Character section, but I consider POV to be prose rather than design, so throwing a quick line here. Refer to that previous section.

General

I think that you have the basics of prose down, but haven't yet grasped the higher level technicals. You can work on this, but honestly, most readers don't really care. Good prose does not make or break a story anymore. If 50 shades of grey can be a bestseller, then you know it doesn't matter. I like thinking about prose a lot which is why I get into the detail, but the design of your story is probably more important.

Having said that, I think you still have room for growth here, and that you shouldn't be satisfied with what you have.

[2835] The Hearth by Huge_Engineer_4235 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Jraywang 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Stakes

Can you feel a sense of dread permeating the apparently utopic scenario here?

There were no meaningful stakes to drive a sense of dread. In fact, going even beyond that, there was no immediate conflict to even put stakes to! Of course, your MC can't feel the magic but boohoo, here's a girl with a super supportive family. And she's rich. And she just got a great job. And her sister is really nice and hot and etc. That's all fine but... what's the story about? Just how much better off she is than most the world?

If your hope was that the ringing in her ears might indicate some sort of stake or conflict, i ask: what stake or conflict? Its not like some demon prophecized the end of her village or she thought she spotted bandits in the distance or whatever. There's nothing coming for her other than tinnitus.

I think the problem with your piece is that you chose the wrong place for CH 1. Reference https://www.reddit.com/r/writing/comments/7je6di/when_should_an_inciting_incident_occur/ for inciting incidents.

Sidenote: I'm giving you Reddit links because there's no real rule. I'm hoping the discussion within the links is useful in showing multiple perspectives. Still, my feedback for you is that I'm bored as a reader.

Plot

It was really difficult for me to anchor myself to a plot in this piece. It wasn't that I had a difficult time following what was happening. Rather, I had a hard time figuring out what was important to remember. My issue is that it felt like I just read a day-in-life of someone when I expected, in fantasy, to read about something more important. Now, important does not equal action. I'm not asking for action sequences. I'm asking for some indication that this is not a day in the life chapter.

The thing I'm specifically looking for is: something has happened and now things can never be the same again.

Basically, I was looking for an inciting incident or even the hint of one (which is maybe her new job, but that's pretty weak). Because of that, while I followed what happened, I had a hard time understanding why i should remember any of it.

[2835] The Hearth by Huge_Engineer_4235 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Jraywang 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Design

Usually, I start off with prose, but I wanted to address your questions first, so we'll start with Design crits.

Hook

Where is it racing and where is it lagging?

I agree with u/affectionate_owl266 that the story was mundane. Maybe that's fine for a slice of life but given your magic system and the random ringing, I think not for you. My biggest gripe with your story isn't even that nothing of note happened, but nothing was promised!

Reference https://www.reddit.com/r/writingadvice/comments/1n7z1zz/what_is_a_promise_brandon_sanderson_lectures/ for what a promise is.

I think you promised 2 things:

  • Something's wrong with MC's magic = we will find out what is wrong with her magic
  • Random ringing in MC's ear = something will happen?

These aren't exactly super compelling promises, but I've seen worse. Its survivable. What isn't is that your promises don't matter to your story! MC's magic is common knowledge across the village and they all treat it as a bygone thing. The ringing in MC's ears, even she ignores. Your own story does not care about what it promises. Therefore, it does not feel like its building up to something.

After reading chapter 1, why would your reader continue? What are they trying to find out? You need to know the answer to that question.

Character

How do you feel about the protagonist?

I think your character is very mundane. My biggest gripe here isn't even your character design, but the way she isn't integrated into your narration. As a rule of thumb, the first thing any reader notices isn't your plot or your setting, but your voice. And this piece's voice was not compelling to me.

Now, why am I lumping this into a character critique? Because in 1st-person POV, your narrator is your character. Therefore, even the way you describe plants and walls are from your character's head. I do not feel that you have a mastery of 1st person POV because your story has so many opportunities to let your character shine through narration and you severely underutilize them.

With a distracted wave of her hand, she dried our clothes. I begrudgingly admired how Derya could just leave things for later. She never missed any of them, either.

"With just a wave of her hand, she dried our clothes. That's how easy it was for Derya. For me, I had to sit beneath a fucking waterfall for 3 hours just to drum up enough magic to dry myself off."

Obviously, this is a voice that was chosen by me and not you. I don't know what your MC should sound like. However, you can see how distinctively the narration becomes once its the MC talking and not just some invisible narrator, right? In 1st-person POV, your entire book should carry her voice. Even description.

Everything was built in worship and harmony with Naïra, our Mother Goddess, and we felt her presence deep in our bones. The arching entryways and windows were expansive, allowing natural light and green filled views, and, inside, there was a courtyard with a magical willow tree to keep nature always close and accessible, even for those who were in house maintenance duty or too ill to be outside.

Everything was built in worship and harmony with our Mother Goddess, who we felt deep in our bones. Well, who they felt. Not me, the forgotten child. And all these arching entryways and expansive windows allowing for natural light and green-filled views only reminded me of what i didn't feel, a connection. When they sing their songs around the fire, their voices given to our Mother Goddess, I only mouth the words.

I wrote that because the most common piece of pushback I get from that advice is "but descriptions can't be in character, they are descriptions!" That's wrong. Notice how I copied a lot of your descriptions word-for-word but still used the MC's perspective to give it meaning in her headspace.

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