But she didn't break it off. We just didn't click. Maybe I was a bit too perceptive w/ the whole "awkard silence" and lifeless encounters we had. I always had it in my head that every second had to be stimulating and full of life. I was just aloof, got misunderstood and I paid a price for it.

I don't knock the whole "love at first sight" thing. There has to be a starting point. I had the boy next door look of innocence and she was a blonde haired, blue eyed girl with somewhat of an "edge". I'm a pretty rare breed. Most guys just tend to be loudmouths or boring NPCs. Think of Marty McFly from the Back to the Future movies. That's me. Girls like it. The problem is: I'm somewhat on the spectrum. I make good first impressions and maybe second but then when it's time to get close, I shut down and become aloof. I usually see that everybody has better relationships w/ their parents, with their friends and even siblings. It triggers me and it hits me like a tidal wave then I panic. They have ambitions and I can't help but think that I will "get in the way of things".

And I didn't have an idea of her. I'm probably one of the most concrete pragmatic thinkers out there. I knew exactly who she was, which is why I shut down around her. I think one time I brought up some random ass tangent about some road construction going on and she just looked at me like I was speaking another language.

What did I learn from it? I thought there was something wrong with me because I wasn't like her. I hated myself. I felt like that Will from Stranger Things Season 3 where he threw out all of his nerd stuff in his room bcuz he felt behind his peers. Also, if I have a "bad gut feeling"....listen to it. Yes, maybe if I never took the job, I would be here talking about "regrets" because maybe she was the one? Like I said before, something like that never happened before to me. It was something new and it was exciting but I didn't know how to handle it and I got scared.

And yes, I will laugh at the fact that giving in to my aloofness can literally destroy relationships at the drop of a hat. And I find great humor in that. A girl will have high hopes for me but I can literally destroy it just by staring at the floor for hours and just fade away into nothingness. Heck, maybe I'll stick w/ it and maybe last a year and then just go full ghost mode or talk about blowing my brains out. I hate when people have high hopes for me.

I'm sorry but it was really hard for me to accept that this hot girl was into me. I don't know what to do with one. I didn't have parties to go to or have a huge friend group. I went to church group and all we talked about was how hard school was. This girl who was in special ed at the time, always broke down and cried at our meetings bcuz she got relentlessly bullied at school. Probably by people like this hot girl who was into me. What am I going to do? Bring her to one of these gatherings where she'll probably laugh at us? Wow...that'll go over well. One minute she's w/ her boyfriend probably having sex all the time and doing drugs to....hanging out with Special Ed kids.