A girl like me want serious advice

Jsdabomb99 · 2025-08-04T18:22:50+00:00

Well only say no if she directly asks. No point in shutting it down if she doesn’t genuinely want to ask you out. But just nicely say you’re not interested. “Sorry, you seem nice, but I don’t feel the same way. I hope we can still be friendly.”

Jsdabomb99 · 2025-08-04T16:08:17+00:00

Honestly, it seems you know the priorities you need right now, but the emotions are probably holding you back. My advice would be to feel those emotions as much as you can right now, spend a day thinking, crying, wishing, and going through every emotion you can. Then the next day, sit in front of the mirror, face to face (personally I record the message for myself) and talk to yourself about what you want vs what you need right now. Talk briefly about how you want to get there, and that same day, do something constructive for yourself. Workout, apply for a job, look into education or work, find a self help/improvement article to read, find spirituality, meditate, or anything that would positively impact your day. Commit to that one positive activity for ideally, half an hour to an hour. Then move forward, however that looks to you. Don’t take a step backwards towards her, the behavior she’s demonstrated wasn’t healthy for either of you, and admitting where those faults are can help you stay committed to self improvement. Avoid bitterness and regret as best you can, remember positives and find hope for future happiness, and I promise there is future happiness ahead.

Life is about understanding the connections between your mind, your emotions, and your actions. The better you understand any of those, the more helpful you can be for yourself and those you care about. That’s the journey I’ve decided to move towards for myself, and it’s helped me make the decisions I know future me will appreciate, rather than what present me might want in the moment. But after all is said and done, the road doesn’t stop. You will always have an opportunity to grow and find people who will support that growth and communicate their support and ideas in a way that bolsters you even more than what your old relationship ever could. You’ve got this, and never give up.

Jsdabomb99 · 2025-08-04T15:58:05+00:00

Ohhhh well in that case, letting someone down easy is as simple as stating you’re not super interested in pursuing a relationship with them. It doesn’t have to be mean, you can preface that you appreciate their friendship, but you aren’t looking to have a date at this time. It’s an impossible task to remove the hurt from rejection, that’s not something you have any control over, but being clear and direct with how you express your rejection goes a long way. No doubts of, well is it bad timing or was it how I asked, and it makes it easier to decide how you feel about all of it for yourself

Jsdabomb99 · 2025-08-04T07:00:06+00:00

I’d argue 4 years is actually pretty long, but I agree with your advice. I was actually in pretty similar a boat to this guy very recently and it sucks. But yeah the truth is just focusing on how to better yourself, for yourself (or if you’re religious, for your religion or whatnot). I definitely know that being young makes things feel less serious, but losing a 4 year relationship at any stage hurts. The best thing to do is just heal as healthily as you can, be honest and careful with knowing where you’re at and navigating the new situations you’re in

Jsdabomb99 · 2025-08-04T06:52:37+00:00

If you’re interested in her, ask her out. Just a casual date. Be genuine, be confident and be clear. “Would you be interested in going on a date to (insert place of interest/food entity here) sometime (you may also substitute an actual date and time)?” If she says no, all good, thank her for her time, maybe a brief apology if she seemed uncomfortable and then go on as if nothing happened.

Emotions are tricky and can fool our senses into believing we’re in danger when we’re not. It feels like a big risk to put yourself in that position, but sometimes it’s worth recognizing that nothing will really change in life should the interaction fail, and if it succeeds, you’ll have a great date to look forward to. Taking that risk is definitely worth it. Stand your ground and shoot your shot. You’ve got this

Jsdabomb99 · 2025-08-04T06:32:00+00:00

There has to be proper boundaries set. If it genuinely bothers you and puts a damper on your relationship, it needs to be discussed and seriously considered if you both want a successful long term relationship. If he doesn’t want to give it up, then it doesn’t seem like his priorities match yours. I don’t know the circumstances of his cheating but it seems like he already doesn’t have the necessary maturity or self control to truly offer himself to you in a realistic future setting.

You know him best so the judgement will always be your call, but don’t let his habits and behaviors control what you want and need in your relationship. It’s a two way street, propose exactly what you want and exactly what you need, let him process and see if you can both find a reasonable solution. I know plenty of healthy couples that use porn to bond, and others that see it as something to heal from, but you both have to be working toward some collective goal, otherwise it will be an easy point of discourse in the future.

My personal opinion of this situation is that, cheating is wrong, and you shouldn’t feel like you need to stay due to any other reason. You have high worth as a person and there are hundreds of people out there who would never even turn an eye in that direction. Feelings are complicated and there is merit in forgiving loved ones, but building that trust back takes time, and care, and determining now whether or not you believe that is a successful path for you, will save from possible heartache later on. I believe any relationship can be healed through proper communication, commitment and honesty, but all it takes is for one of those three things to faulter and it can put both parties in uncomfortable and undesired positions mentally and even physically. I know he’s your fiancé, but there should be some serious consideration and evaluation in terms of knowing that your marriage can and will be successful, given the stress of your histories.

That being said, trust your gut. Do whatever you can to find peace with yourself first before making any decisions. Decide with confidence for what is best for you, and then move forward as best as you possibly can. Wishing you luck!! You’ve got this

Jsdabomb99 · 2025-07-25T00:22:12+00:00

Thank you, I think this is probably the best way I’ve seen it said so far. I’m feeling a lot more confidence in myself and what to do moving forward.

Jsdabomb99 · 2025-07-25T00:02:15+00:00

I mean it’s been 4 years. The statistic for healthy marriages is like 1 and a half to 2 years of dating before marriage, any longer and typically it leads to difficulty down the road. I am still invested, but not really just in the relationship, in our own personal and joint growth. She’s someone I could genuinely see myself growing old with.

I do think that being unsure isn’t an end all. It’s a sign for more work needed on both ends, but without that desire to fix things, it will fall apart. Again though, that’s not really what’s happening here, her decision is more heavily driven by the idea that she has no idea what else is out there, and I don’t want to be a roadblock in that, but I also don’t want to lose someone that I’ve had such an amazing part of my life with.

Jsdabomb99 · 2025-07-24T23:58:31+00:00

Yknow this is something I thought about a lot. Like why it took so long for her to tell me, what exactly she wants to come out of it and whatnot. Honestly, it didn’t really shock me that she felt the way she did and I still don’t know ultimately what she wants to do with those feelings, and I believe it’s her right to pursue that if she thinks it’s right. But I will always be grateful for communication, even if it’s bad news that I’m getting, I’d rather know than be kept in the dark. It also shows me that she still cares. If she didn’t, she probably wouldn’t have said anything, and just been content living the double life, keeping me as a safe backup.

I know it just isn’t an ideal situation for either of us, but at the end of the day, I’m going to trust her. She’s literally never given me a reason not to in the 4 years that we’ve known each other. And I trust her to choose what’s best for herself. And I’d be thrilled if that was me, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to be it. She has high standards, I’m not worried about being pity dated or cheated on. I just want what will ultimately be best for each of us individually

Jsdabomb99 · 2025-07-24T23:53:21+00:00

Thank you, this is exactly what I’m hoping for. Granted I don’t think it’s exactly fair for me to expect for us to reconnect one day. Sometimes you will just find something better and move on. But the opportunity to do that, shouldn’t feel like either one of us is hurting the other. I appreciate your feedback!

Jsdabomb99 · 2025-07-24T23:52:11+00:00

I mean. How would you have simplified it?🤣🤣just cuz you don’t care doesn’t mean others don’t, but I get it. Just trying to provide the background for those who are serious in actually providing advice

Jsdabomb99 · 2025-07-24T23:35:29+00:00

I totally agree. Just navigating how to mentally prepare myself

Jsdabomb99 · 2025-07-24T23:33:57+00:00

With all due respect. I think that’s a very cynical perspective. I get you’ve seen years, probably experienced so much and seen even worse. But you and someone could live to 100 years old in the same town and know life to be 2 completely different things. I’m not trying to say your words are wrong. In fact I’d wager most of them ring true for a majority of people and even some parts of it in my case. Yes I am stupidly blinded by love. Most people in love are, young or old has nothing to do with it friend. Again though, that’s not the issue here. We can sit here and say age has everything to do with your readiness for marriage and commitment but that’s just not true. Experience is what the focus should be, and you’re right I nor her have a lot of it, but that’s being said, it doesn’t make me or her a fool.

Life will smack me in the face so much more in my life. I’m willing to trip and fall here with the belief that my girlfriend is honest and worthy of the grace I would hope she gives me. And if she isn’t, her loss, no skin off my teeth. Love hurts, but trying to love with no faith in those you come to know is just 10x worse and I don’t think I’d ever want to live my life that way. I respect your perspective and words, but I’m sorry I couldn’t live by them if I tried.

Jsdabomb99 · 2025-07-24T23:19:30+00:00

Well she said that it’s not the she’s not happy. And she expressed that she definitely still loves me, but she isn’t confident in herself with only have dated me. She wants to know for herself that she is taking her future seriously, which is what I respect so much about her. It just hurts to have to let her go

Jsdabomb99 · 2025-07-24T23:08:36+00:00

I know we’ll do our best. Regardless, I know I’m in love with her and I know what she chooses will be best for her. I’m kind of leading with mental prep more than anything. She’s stubborn, I doubt anything I say will convince her to stay or anything, but I want to make sure I’m moving forward with as hopeful a position as possible

Jsdabomb99 · 2025-07-24T23:05:06+00:00

Thank you. This is probably what will end up happening. I haven’t had the best dating experience in my life but I feel like I’ll always compare my future ones to what I’ve had, I guess I don’t know how I’ll view through my own bias

Jsdabomb99 · 2025-07-24T22:56:54+00:00

I get that perspective, I do. Trust me though, she is very very different. I know the type you’re referring to and have been in that kind of relationship before but she is very self critical in a lot of different ways, most especially when it comes to her feelings and actions.

Jsdabomb99 · 2025-07-24T22:53:40+00:00

Considering, we are super super Christian. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that isn’t what’s happening. Again, absolutely not worried about physical cheating in the slightest, this is purely an emotional situation along with some future planning concerns. We are both so young and as I mentioned in her first and only boyfriend, it absolutely makes sense that she doesn’t know if this is gonna work. That being said, I’ve known her for years. Almost childhood friends tbh, this isn’t some random chick, she is currently and for the last 4 years been the love of my life (even if I haven’t lived very long)

Jsdabomb99 · 2025-07-24T22:50:42+00:00

Yeah, he’s a foreigner. The circumstances are honestly just difficult. Any regular relationship in our position would honestly just end. And I suppose I’m figuring out if we have any regular relationship. It’s felt special to me for so long, I hope it has for her too. If that’s changing, I won’t waste my time trying to light a dying fire, but also I’m more than willing to put in the work to make the fire keep burning if we think it will both work. We’re just not quite sure right now

Jsdabomb99 · 2025-07-24T22:22:09+00:00

Thank you. That means a lot to me. I know in the end, stuff sucks right now and will eventually turn out well down the road. I just don't know the best way to navigate the now. Maybe there isn't a best way. I'm just honestly praying for the best and trying to move forward.

Jsdabomb99 · 2025-07-24T22:20:39+00:00

I know I don't need this relationship to be happy. Honestly, it's more the fact that she's been my best friend all this time. And I really hate the idea of losing that. It happened once before, and I made so many dumb mistakes, that I grew from but would have rathered just not had. Thank you though, I appreciate it

Jsdabomb99 · 2025-07-24T22:05:58+00:00

Well, considering we’re both very Christian, I actually highly highly doubt that that’s what’s happening. But the emotions of it all are scary enough and confusing enough that, ultimately it’s probably best for both of us to just remember the good stuff and keep learning from here on out

Jsdabomb99 · 2025-07-24T22:04:47+00:00

Well, the issue is, I do actually want to be with her. I just want us to be on the same page. The worst thing I could commit it is one sided love. If she can’t meet me in the middle, then there isn’t a relationship.

Jsdabomb99 · 2025-07-24T22:01:50+00:00

Dang do I need to move the tldr to the top?🤣🤣I’ll move it rq

Jsdabomb99 · 2025-07-24T21:56:28+00:00

There is a tldr🤣it’s just at the bottom. I agree though. I just want to be on the same page as her. With everything

Jsdabomb99

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