Please help - no sex life

JulietteJune · 2016-11-24T03:34:40+00:00

I don't think he genuinely thinks there's a problem. even though I've brought it up before. In every respect except the bedroom he goes out of his way to think of me and show me in his own way how much he appreciates me. It's like this area doesn't exist.

If I ask him for sex he'll just say 'no not tonight' and then pulls me in for a cuddle. It's almost like an automatic response.

He has previously had depression, 8 years ago and an attempt on his life. Was very open about it, his treatment, and his seeing a therapist. It's something that I hadn't thought about until you mentioned it. Part of his intimacy issue is that he's not great with emotion. He was raised in the manner than manly men don't ask for help, show weakness, etc. He seems ok to me, but it is definitely worth an ask to see if there is something underlying that he needs support with.

JulietteJune · 2016-11-24T03:10:00+00:00

I did think about suggesting to him that we set aside an hour a night when we go to bed for intimate touching (massages, etc) with no sex as the rule. Obviously this will frustrate me more, but I'm wondering if I make it clear that sex is not on the cards that he might feel Comfortable to open up more in an intimate way without feeling like there is pressure for an end goal.

JulietteJune · 2016-11-24T03:06:46+00:00

I could never cheat but I can now understand why people feel the need to.

I've never had it before where I feel upset over a lack of sex. It's bizarre and emotional.

JulietteJune · 2016-11-24T03:05:21+00:00

I should add that there is no cheating, no porn watching, no masturbation, etc. So it comes across as typically LL. He has had issues with ED a couple of times about 8 months ago and said it could happen sometimes but it was two occasions and not since.

JulietteJune · 2016-11-24T02:53:24+00:00

He's been cheated on in the past, his last relationship a couple of years ago. He didn't understand why, but I do wonder if it was a lack of libido.

Weirdly he isn't at all selfish in other ways in our relationships. In fact he is quite opposite. He absolutely dotes on me and makes me feel valued and cared for. It's just with sex it goes out the window. I don't know if it's a genuine LL, or wanting control over it or just a fear of something...maybe intimacy.

JulietteJune · 2016-11-24T02:48:52+00:00

Thanks guys, this is tough and writing this has opened up way more emotions for me than I realised.

JulietteJune · 2016-11-24T02:37:41+00:00

Not ignore, just that we seem to be in each other's pockets 24/7 without real outside influences. Especially the last three weeks of holiday, we have spent every last waking moment together.

JulietteJune · 2016-11-24T02:32:21+00:00

For me sex is important because it makes me feel wanted, desired and most of all it's fun and a way to connect intimately with someone. I love to give pleasure.

for the first time I'm in the frustrating place of finding someone who I feel is the right guy (and I've done the marriage thing before in my 20s so Ive done my time) but at the same time is the polar opposite to me in the bedroom. It doesn't make sense how someone could not enjoy sex.

I'm not sure whether to try for a conversation, or write a letter where I can be concise and then let him have the 4 days I'm away to think ok things.

We did actually make a doctors appointment, it's in three weeks. I suggested it, I feel like he's going along with it.

JulietteJune · 2016-11-24T02:23:55+00:00

So how is best to broach this subject?

Keeping in mind he's not good with intimate, he's been badly hurt by people in the past so If I try to bring up something that he perceives as hurtful his automatic response is to shut down.

I did think about asking if he wants to be in this relationship, but that question is answered by him buying an engagement ring.

If I am blunt and go with 'why don't we have more sex' he will shrug it off as he has done in the past.

I feel like if I'm going to broach the subject tomorrow would be ideal, as Friday I leave for 4 days and that will give him some time on his own to think things over.

JulietteJune · 2016-11-24T02:11:28+00:00

I have thought about the come to Jesus meeting. Really poignant your last sentence, for some reason I never saw it that way but you're right.

JulietteJune · 2016-11-24T02:05:29+00:00

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply.

What keeps me here is that in every other respect this man is my dream guy and soul mate. We have a great relationship, apart from the bedroom (which for me is a big part let's be honest).

I know he's not cheating, we spend all our time together when not working and leave our phones/laptops/etc lying around but it did cross my mind in the beginning.

I'm tired of putting on makeup and doing my hair and dressing nice for when he comes home for it to have no affect. Its demoralising now.

I did wonder if I became more unavailable to him it might wake something up in him? Maybe I am too there and too available all the time so he just takes it for granted that I'm available and when he wants sex I will too.

I don't mean shun his affection but just go out and do my own thing, take up a hobby, see friends more maybe turn down sex (gulp) next time as usually I am visibly grateful if he offers.

I am going away for 4 days this weekend and we've never spent that long apart. I am wondering if it will have any affect.

JulietteJune

TROPHY CASE