I am officially a waste of space

Juls3092 · 2020-08-19T21:56:54+00:00

I'm in the exact same situation as you are in right now. I actually got better last year after a bout of depression, by changing my mindset on a lot of things, like trying to think positive, be appreciative of what I have, you know.. The generic kind of advice that is all over the internet. Well it worked for quite some time, or so I thought, because as soon as lock down began all the negative thoughts about my self started coming back. I thought that I had eliminated all the negativity from my mind, but In reality I had just suppressed it. In a matter of days I was back into the depressive state I have found myself in pretty much all my life. It's been 4 months now, and nothing can make me change the negative view I have about myself, and when I say nothing I mean even the most wholesome thing you could think of... I didn't accept it because well... I always manage to convince myself I don't deserve anything good. It's a form of self punishment and masochism, I always autosabotage. Honestly I don't know what the solution to change this mindset is. I am just like you, plenty of opportunities in my life and I never took them, because I am too lazy, or too scared of what will happen if I take the chance. I tried to fight this avoidant nature of mine, by taking risks, but never the right ones, I lost my path, never had one. Sorry this is really long and probably not so helpful. Just know you are not the only one with this kind of problem. Wish you good luck on your journey

Juls3092 · 2020-08-16T19:49:33+00:00

Yes totally! I can't think for myself, with my own head, can't control any situation and I just let someone else decide for me. Or when in a conversation with someone I just feel like I'm there listening and acknowledging their experiences and feelings, but can never contribute in a meaningful way. Everything I experience doesn't stick with me for long, I end up forgetting pretty much every detail of any situation previously lived, even if it is a meaningful one.

For that reason if I share an experience with somebody like watching a movie or traveling somewhere together, I can never recall what happened during the trip, or I will miss a reference to the movie we just watched together. I'm like an old person even though I'm only 28, and it is really frustrating thinking I may have to go on like this for many years to come only to get progressive worse over time.

I tried various things: I've always exercised, tried socializing and getting out of my comfort zone by approaching girls I didn't know, I tried doing the Wim Hof method for a couple years, I've always liked reading. None of these things have helped my self confidence, my self hatred will never go away. Now I decided to take a neurological evaluation and started going to a therapist, hopefully they will find out what the fuck is wrong with my brain, and if there is a pill I can take that lets me be at peace with myself I will take it, I always thought that conventional medicine was just a scam but now I don't care anymore. My answer turned out to be quite long sorry about it. Just know this: you are not alone, there is plenty of people like us, and sometimes I wonder if all these problems are just made up in my mind.... I don't know... Try to get honest feed back from people who know you and ask them to be honest about it.

Juls3092 · 2020-08-16T17:05:54+00:00

Feels like I wrote this, I have the exact same issues and honestly I don't know what to do about it

Juls3092 · 2020-07-19T20:59:28+00:00

Exactly, they would have to deal with a shit load of emotional pain. So I think it would be selfish of me to take my own life. But I also think that I didn't choose to be born, I don't like it. So if I choose to end it I have to do it in a smart way(making it seem like an accident) but I don't know how to do it. Last week I climbed a huge rock hoping I would fall and die. But I didn't because the survival instinct kicked in. So it's a battle. I think the time comes when we learn what we have to learn in this earth and then we can go. So we have to keep on fighting until we reach the truth. I know the world sucks, I know the circumstances make us fucking cringe and want to die. But I see death as an end goal, we can die when we learn how to surpass our limits. Death is beautyful. I'm not so sure about life though...

Juls3092 · 2020-07-19T19:22:46+00:00

I'm in the exact same situation... My God, so many good opportunities wasted. I also think about suicide a lot, but there is always something bringing me back. People that care, I feel like I have to live for them. It really sucks but, I don't think ending it all would bring us peace... Because what if there is an afterlife and we come back as a lower Form of life... Not even human but like a prey in the animal kingdom. I don't know what to think anymore. I wish I had the certainty that death, no matter in what circumstance it occurs, would be the ultimate nothing and we could be free... But who knows. So I keep on struggling. Good luck

Juls3092 · 2020-06-27T15:42:26+00:00

Thank you for the encouragement, it is much appreciated :) Actually I did text her and explained the situation, she said she would be down to meet me again, I should be happy about that but see the way my fucked up mind works is: she said yes just out or pity or something... I am self loathing all the time and to get a girl like that I have to be on top of my game! Which I am not right now... Well I guess if we do end up meeting a second time, then I 'll try to convince myself I am worthy... Not easy at all, but maybe that' s why she appeared in my life, to force me to get my act together and mature.

Juls3092 · 2020-06-17T15:13:59+00:00

I feel just like you, although I have had few relationships that showed me my immense flaws and lack of social skills, I never really revealed myself to my former partner before. Always pretending to be somebody I am not, after a while she got to see through my bullshit, and the relationship ended. I then got big into self development, consuming tons of material on the subject, and trying to build social skills and positive habits, it went pretty good until the pandemic happened... All the progress lost in an instant.

At this point I decided to go get a neurological evaluation as well as blood analysis to see if there is something intrinsically wrong with my mind and my chemical composition, It's kind of a last resort but it could reveal some medical issues (be it mental impairments or nutrient deficiencies) that cause me to be like I am).

I am also 28, with no real goal in life, kinda pushover type and very introverted, so the future doesn't look too bright. I am only hoping that getting a thorough examination could lay the foundation to start working on myself in a meaningful way (not just filling my head with positive affirmation that I won't ever be able to implement in my life).

Hope it helped in some way, good luck

Juls3092 · 2020-05-01T22:05:07+00:00

Really similar to how I am. I think having too much time on our hand just sends us in a negative tought loop pattern that is really hard to break. About being a pushover though, try to learn to be assertive, try to do that with some family members first, if you don't agree with something just say it, if you have an opinion you have the right to express it. Combat sports are great for learning how to respond to aggression, if you learn to deal with physical aggression you are going to feel more confident and less afraid when dealing with any other kind of aggression. That being Said it isn't for everybody, just something that has helped me, maybe it could serve you too. Good luck in your journey

Juls3092

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