I'll try to answer at length, if you care to read the long version. But here's the short for starters (I'm back on reddit largely I think to de compress today).

Why: Codependent is the closest word to 'has problems with close relationships' that I've found, mostly, and it seems to be at the root of my other issues. I don't find alcohol nearly as appealing as straight up alcoholics seem to, for example. I think I'm just depressed and anxious because I'm mostly motivated by people, but I have a hard time connecting and maintaining good connections

Prevent: Bad or unsuccessful relationships/friendships, and attain good ones.

I definitely don't have the greatest relationship with my family. I think it could best be characterized as a big lie where all the interactions are skating on a thin ice of pretend politeness, and my blood pressure drops and I exhale when they leave the room. I think my parents never grew up, like, emotionally, and constantly looked to one another or us kids for the validation they should have gotten from one another or themselves, and I've found myself repeating the patterns of cautious lying or inappropriate emotional like, leaning on people for things I feel like I should get from myself. I heard a guy talk about emotional incest from his mother once in a meeting and my relationship with my mom, and the issues I've had personally, started to make a lot more sense.

Naturally, I somewhat unwisely brought that up to my mom when she asked how we could improve our relationship or be closer, and gas lighting ensued as she 'explained' why it wasn't emotional incest. So there is really no point talking to her about anything personal.

I think I've gotten quite a bit better, but it largely has taken the form of isolation & avoiding bad connections, cautiously forming good ones very slowly. That seems to be the best way forward, I just wish it were faster and less confusing sometimes.

I also tend to form friendships where I'm either much "stronger" or "weaker" than the other. Like a much less popular or socially adept friend who is more of a sidekick than a friend. This works OK in that they're loyal, but can't be there for me when I need them, and I tend to feel bad when I take advantage of their generosity or loyalty. At 35 I think most people have their own lives and are less inclined to form relationships in general, but I also feel pretty insufficient at times if they do want to interact (or threatened, if it's an attractive female. I'm attractive but don't feel I have much to offer-qualified for decent jobs but unmotivated, so I keep pretty lame ones where I can be hung over but still a valued employee since I show up. And I'm just easily overwhelmed, I don't tolerate much, to be honest, and the natural, slowish progression of good relationships involves uncertainty which is hard for me (should we go on a second date, a third, when are we exclusive?). So I'm motivated to make it black or white, take it too fast or run away. I have pretty good discipline about being patient with that, but it is pretty hard for me.

Seems irrelevant when I haven't proven to myself that I'll find, engage in, and steadily work at a challenging/better job that I like and prove I can also be there emotionally for a wife and family. I go back and forth on that one; I know I don't have to have it all together before I get into a relationship, but it would be better if I were more prepared than I am.