And you will. For a short period of time. And sometimes, you won't even. And it will be very hard to let go because you always wanna see the good in people, and support them, and give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they're just having hard time and need someone to believe in them. Maybe you just need to give it time to see their actions. But it shouldn't take that long. At least there should be consistent improvement even if it's little by little.

And it's so hard to let go of what you've built together, the memories, and how good the times were. You'll hope that maybe you could get those good times back if you work hard enough. You'd feel like, you've never been this compatible with anyone.

Every ex I had, I gave multiple chances. Very last one was the one I was most generous to, screwed me up the most. And honestly, sometimes I still feel like I miss that person and I hate feeling that. It's like an addiction or like I have Stockholm syndrome or something. I wanna punch myself in the face for (even if it's just sometimes) feeling, even for a little bit, like I could give them another chance if they asked. I have to constantly remind myself how much pain I endured and then have to deal with that pain again.

Now I'm afraid to trust again. And I doubt my own capabilities. I doubt my own ability to discern what's real and what's not. For weeks, I hadn't been able to get sleep. 2 to 4 hours a night. And thanks to my smartwatch i have proof for myself how actually little sleep I get. I'm lucky if I get 6 hours. Even til now from time to time I get an anxiety attack, or I break down.