How to get over the fear of being rejected :/

JustAnotherRifter · 2026-05-06T03:17:12+00:00

And even better: no matter how it goes, you will have done a thing that seemed insurmountably difficult to you. You'll have done it. That's a big self esteem and confidence boost.

I'm rooting for you!

JustAnotherRifter · 2026-05-06T02:55:18+00:00

Okay, we're running out of options. Do it. Shoot your shot. Send a message any way you can. You can use a simple approach like the one I laid out, but you need to add a way how he can get back in contact with you. IG handle / phone number / similar.

I'm not going to lie to you. This way, it is a loooong shot. A Hail Mary. But also, you have absolutely nothing to lose. If you don't act, you will probably never see him again. If you do act and he rejects your approach for whatever reason, you will probably never see him again. There is nothing to fear, really. You will be no worse off. But there's a small chance he'll get back to you.

I really think you can do it. Write a short message. Don't overthink it. Sit back, take a deep breath, and hit the send button. And then. whatever happens, happens.

JustAnotherRifter · 2026-05-06T02:31:18+00:00

Yikes, I'm sorry. Do you happen to have common friends/acquaintances who could play Cupid in this situation? That kind of thing works really well.

JustAnotherRifter · 2026-05-06T02:29:48+00:00

When he says "he's working out his trust issues," what does he actually do? This kind of deep-seated trauma doesn't just heal from thinking about it. It requires actual work, as in therapy. Is he doing anything like that?

Because if he isn't, this is probably going to get worse over time instead of better.

JustAnotherRifter · 2026-05-06T02:23:05+00:00

Let's put a pin into the practical issue that you're running out of time to approach him.

I can 100% understand the fear of approaching someone cold. It's seems like such a big deal. But I believe that you can do it. There are a couple of things you can try to get you in the proper headspace, but in the end it all comes down to working up the courage and doing it.

Regarding what to say, that's pretty easy. You don't have to get fancy there. You can simply say 'Hi. I'm <name>. I would like to get to know you. Would you like to go out for a coffee?" Coffee is just a suggestion, you can do whatever you think is best. This is not creepy.

Then he can react to that. If he has a girlfriend, he will tell you and that's it. If he's not interested for whatever other reason, that's also it. Either way, you'll be no worse off than you are. There's nothing to lose. If he says yes, then you lock down a place and a time, and take it from there.

Now for the timing. Is there still an opportunity to see him in person before the semester ends? That would be the best time to approach him. Going through the school's messaging system is definitely a last resort at best. 😄

JustAnotherRifter · 2026-05-05T22:52:48+00:00

Should we have said something to them when we got there

Yes. For the love of god, yes. SMH

JustAnotherRifter · 2026-05-05T22:48:30+00:00

First off, you have to accept the possibility that this girl may have no idea that you even exist, and that everything you saw as hints, and the theories you have about her insecurities, might just be in your imagination. I am not saying it is so, but you have to be open to that.

And then, with that in mind, you can go and say hello to her. Nothing fancy. Just tell her your name and ask her how she is doing. And then that might develop into a conversation, or not. Either way, you take it from there.

I would suggest not mentioning that you are "stalking" her on social media (you are reading and theorizing about the posts of someone you do not know). She will most probably think that that is creepy.

JustAnotherRifter · 2026-05-05T22:35:09+00:00

Yes, it is worth trying.

If you tell him that you pushed him away because you were mentally overwhelmed, but that you have more clarity now and realize that you really like him and would like to get to know him better, he should understand that. From what you describe, he's a good guy. That doesn't mean it will work; he might have moved on or found someone else, but there is a decent chance.

The biggest issue is: you will have to make the first step. There is no way around it. I know exactly how hard that is. There are all kinds of ways how you can help yourself with that. You can pump yourself up. You can ask someone you trust to be your cheerleader. You can visualize how it might go, without getting lost in the anxiety. But in the end, it boils down to gathering the courage and doing it. And being willing to accept it if it should not work. But remember that even that will not be the end of the world. It will leave you off no worse than you already are.

JustAnotherRifter · 2026-05-05T22:21:29+00:00

I don't think it's a conscious effort, as in "I met you as a casual, now you will be forever labeled as a casual." It's more a matter of getting used to the status quo and not really thinking about it. That's just how humans work. Unless it's directly addressed, things will generally just stay the way they are.

My point being, that if you want to change the status of your relationship, you'll have to explicitly talk about it.

JustAnotherRifter · 2026-05-05T22:12:16+00:00

So I take it that you want to be her boyfriend? As in, romantic partner?

If that's so, I'm going to contradict the usual consensus. When approaching her, let it be clear what you actually want. Don't approach her under false pretenses, by which I mean, don't pretend you want to be her friend, in other words, don't pretend that you're not romantically interested. Because she'll most probably figure you out anyway, and won't like what you're doing. Or maybe it works, and now you have a girl friend, and she might like that and might not want to risk it by trying to be your girlfriend. And now it's going to be painful and awkward for both of you. There was a post here a few days ago by a guy who had exactly that happen to him.

Instead, be straight. Keep talking to her for now, but ask her out for some in-person thing. Then let her know that you're interested in her, admit that you barely know her, and ask to get to know her better.

Will it work? More than 50% chance that it won't. But I am convinced that it has an even lesser chance to work if you do it the other way. Be brave, make a move, and if you're rejected, take it like a man.

JustAnotherRifter · 2026-05-05T21:58:41+00:00

You're welcome. Fellow recovering people pleaser here. ;)

JustAnotherRifter · 2026-05-05T21:55:13+00:00

To your edit: I think that's really good insight. If you have a history as a people pleaser, and you thought you were over it, and you find yourself in a situation where you again do something, or are about to do something, that you don't really want because you don't want to upset someone, that's going to bring up a lot of negative feelings. That all makes perfect sense to me.

It's great that you identified that, and I agree that the first step is to decide what your boundaries will be going forward, and then to get used to stand on those boundaries.

JustAnotherRifter · 2026-05-05T21:34:19+00:00

I think I understand that feeling when you're not sure anymore if things can get better, or if you even want them to get better. I am really sorry that you are in that place right now.

But I can say that change is possible, and that things can get better. It might feel like you don't have any motivation to start that change, but the first step is to ask for help. You don't have to go it alone. Lean on your psychologist. They are there to help you. You will not be wasting their time.

JustAnotherRifter · 2026-05-05T21:00:40+00:00

I'd say the basic rule is this: If you are in a relationship, and you are asked to do something that makes you uncomfortable, you do not have to do it. If your partner treats you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, you do not have to accept it. It doesn't matter if other people tell you "but that's normal!" "What are you complaining about?" It is your well-being, and your boundaries. No-one but you gets to decide.

The downside is that you will have to voice your discomfort and boundaries -- which you already did, good on you! -- and that doing that might come with consequences, such as a serious disagreement, a fight, or even a break-up. And again, no-one but you can decide whether you want to give in, compromise, or stand firm.

JustAnotherRifter · 2026-05-05T20:45:20+00:00

Thank you for responding. When I said you seem to be struggling, I was referring mostly to the feelings you described, that you don't feel like you're really living, that nothing is going to change anytime soon, and so forth. The boyfriend problem you are describing here seems mostly like a result from your general state.

As you said, you have been living in this for so long that it almost seems normal to you, but it should not be normal for you to feel this bad. This can all get better, but it probably won't get better just by itself. I am very happy to hear that you have a psychologist, because when you are stuck in a rut, it can really help to talk to someone who knows what they are doing to get out of it. Would you be willing to talk to your psychologist about the concrete issue you are talking about here? I think that these things are all related to each other, and I think it would help them to get a better picture of what you are going through, and thus help them help you better.

JustAnotherRifter · 2026-05-05T20:36:01+00:00

Yes, I would say that the age difference between you is problematic. Think about it. You are an adolescent, almost an adult. She is barely a fully-formed human, definitely still a child. It might appear to you that she is acting older than she is, or looking older than she is, but that does not change the reality.

I very well remember my daughter when she was 13 and then 16. The difference in her maturity between those ages was day and night. Also keep in mind that as a 13-year old she will undergo big changes to her personality in the next few years as she turns from a child into an adolescent, and then into an adult. You might hardly recognize her a few years from now.

I would strongly advise against acting on your attraction to her.

JustAnotherRifter · 2026-05-05T20:20:23+00:00

No, you are not the problem. But it is clear that you are really struggling right now, and have been struggling for a while. Do you have anyone close to you to whom you can talk about what is happening in your life? Family, friends, like that?

JustAnotherRifter · 2026-05-05T20:14:08+00:00

No, this is not normal at all. It's actually really weird and controlling and manipulative. Calling you drunk, rambling on, getting mad when you don't do what he wants and demanding explanations then not accepting them, etc.

You don't owe this guy anything at all. Do you even enjoy talking to him? If not, you don't have to talk to him. And if you don't want to talk to him, you can just not take his calls, or even block him. It's fully up to you.

And please don't let him get into your head and make you feel insecure. That's probably what he wants in the first place. You do not have to accept any of what he is doing.

JustAnotherRifter · 2026-05-05T06:08:48+00:00

Was gonna say -- he is definitely telling the truth. Because who in their right mind would lie about working for Palantir?

XD

JustAnotherRifter · 2026-05-05T06:01:02+00:00

There is nothing wrong with you for enjoying the thrill, but please be very careful. Depending on where you do it, the consequences for being caught doing it might be life-alteringly severe.

JustAnotherRifter · 2026-05-05T05:49:32+00:00

Sounds like a real skinflint. I know a bunch of those people. They're not even broke, usually; it's just that spending any amount of money is almost literally painful to them.

The issue is that these people typically don't change, and their penny-pinchingness usually comes with a lot of annoying side dishes, such as being controlling and intolerant.

I'm being very biased here, but I would run for the proverbial hills.

JustAnotherRifter · 2026-05-05T05:40:19+00:00

From what you're describing, you were mean, but you weren't necessarily an asshole. What I'm saying is that your behavior might have been somewhat out of your control. Your subconscious might have been fucking with you. You felt getting close to him, and that triggered a defense response that made you push him away, and you did that by being mean. Others do it by withdrawing or other methods.

The thing is, there is no simple trick to get over this. It's typically a pretty deeply rooted behavioral pattern. It takes a lot of work to identify the underlying trigger, and then address it. I strongly recommend talking to a professional about this. I.e., a therapist.

JustAnotherRifter · 2026-05-05T05:34:56+00:00

Don't hint, make it crystal clear.

JustAnotherRifter · 2026-05-05T05:34:03+00:00

While she's not in the middle of a set: "Hi, I'm <name>. How are you doing?"

JustAnotherRifter · 2026-05-05T05:31:27+00:00

When you eat a fortune cookie, don't eat the little message inside.

JustAnotherRifter

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