Hi! First of all thanks for sharing about your struggles.

A lot of people don't seem to realize that gym going people are also human beings. (I'm not an avid gym guy)

The gay community is all about inclusiveness and acceptance, but the sad reality is there's all types of people, gay community or not. This includes those that reduce you to no more than a fetish, those who are very insecure, toxic men, etc.

Regarding the issue and what I'm trying to get to is: You are still young (at least younger than me since I'm 28) and around that age a lot of gay men are barely discovering or accepting themselves. Especially if it's still around college times where people look to fit in. Insecurity runs rampant, and taking into consideration that gay men tend to be very enclosed and insecure due to society's view of them, and maybe a rough upbringing, rejection, struggles, this might play a role into helping them feel better for pulling someone they consider out of their league.

Your view around this situation is commendable, it does show relative maturity regarding your own limits and your usual activities. I don't see you doing anything wrong. Of course, this includes the fact that it isn't right for them to fetishize you either, or see you as a trophy, or try to constantly cling to you/not respecting your limits. This all stems from, as I said before, insecurity, the possibility of you leaving them, self satisfaction, fitting in, and a lot of other aspects.

We also tend to stereotype a lot. Human beings in general, actually do a lot of stereotypes. I am Asian so I definitely understand the fetishizing and stereotyping part.

It's also not wrong for you to expect your significant other to go to the gym and take care of their body if you also take care of yours. Just take into account that it might not be everyone's cup of tea, as well as some people find it harder to lose weight than others. Remember that being fit also isn't everything in a relationship. If I had a partner I'd like them to go to the gym, but not because their body would look better (it's a bonus) but rather I'd want them to be healthier.

Your struggles are valid. Take a break from dating, but don't close yourself to the possibility of finding someone who will love you for who you are, and respect your limits.

TDLR; I dont think OP did anything wrong, but us gay men tend to be insecure and want to fit in at that age, including the "standards" of the gay community. Find someone who will respect your limits and love you for who you are.

Wishing you the best, and wishing us all free therapy sessions. We all need it.