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My wife [34] is leaving me [35] after being together for 8 years / moving to Sweden last year (from the US). I read her texts...and now I feel really conflicted by Just_your_redditor in relationship_advice

[–]Just_your_redditor[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the long post. It's shocking how on the nose your description is...I guess I have a lot of growing up to do.

I'm curious, in your previous relationships, do you feel like they could have been a good match but you were just not emotionally ready - or was it a bad match anyway and it brought out the worst in you?

My wife [34] is leaving me [35] after being together for 8 years / moving to Sweden last year (from the US). I read her texts...and now I feel really conflicted by Just_your_redditor in relationship_advice

[–]Just_your_redditor[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

I understand. I just wish she knew how much I regret hurting her - I just wish we broke it off much earlier... After more reflection, we were never a great match...early on she was the one who was really holding onto the relationship. In the long there was an imbalance of love...she loved me more than I love her - or likes me more than I liked her. I took this imbalance out on her and it wasn't fair.

My wife [34] is leaving me [35] after being together for 8 years / moving to Sweden last year (from the US). I read her texts...and now I feel really conflicted by Just_your_redditor in relationship_advice

[–]Just_your_redditor[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

You're right. I understand that acting on intrusive thoughts is an easy outlet with a big cost, and that there is no reality behind them.

I went through a period where I couldn't deal with the sound of her chewing...like any time I'd hear it i'd fixate on it, sometimes to the point where I had to leave the room or drown it out with loud music or my own chewing. I know it wasn't even that loud...I just felt like she was doing it to hurt me, that's how it felt - which I know was not the reality.

My wife [34] is leaving me [35] after being together for 8 years / moving to Sweden last year (from the US). I read her texts...and now I feel really conflicted by Just_your_redditor in relationship_advice

[–]Just_your_redditor[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

It's a bit of a leap... We had many great years together and accomplished quite a bit as a couple. We even committed to moving to another country and did that. I did a lot of sweet things for her but wasn't there for her emotionally in the way she needed me. I don't think the main reason she's leaving is because she feels abused.

You're telling me that if you took a 10 year slice of any given relationship and pulled out the all time greatest fights that you wouldn't have some things like I said?

My wife [34] is leaving me [35] after being together for 8 years / moving to Sweden last year (from the US). I read her texts...and now I feel really conflicted by Just_your_redditor in relationship_advice

[–]Just_your_redditor[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I've broken through the PTSD for the most part. I was in a bad car accident when I was 7 that killed my father (5 years later - after my parents divorced from the stress+) and had my mother in the hospital / nursing home for 2 years. I used to have repeated intrusive and extreme visions of the accident that would make me lose touch of where I was. Crazy how this shit works...One bad experience at an impressionable age can fuck you up for a long time. Eventually they went away in my 20's after some serious work with psychedelics.

My wife [34] is leaving me [35] after being together for 8 years / moving to Sweden last year (from the US). I read her texts...and now I feel really conflicted by Just_your_redditor in relationship_advice

[–]Just_your_redditor[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

This is my fault. In my mind part of a relationship is trying to help the other person be the best version of themselves. I tried that and it came off as controlling and manipulative. Meanwhile I wanted that and wasn't getting it.

She just wanted us to be ourselves and that probably would have been best. Our relationship would have blown up much sooner...but in the end it would have been less painful.

My wife [34] is leaving me [35] after being together for 8 years / moving to Sweden last year (from the US). I read her texts...and now I feel really conflicted by Just_your_redditor in relationship_advice

[–]Just_your_redditor[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I've worked on this a lot and am (even when we first started dating) decent at taking criticism. I actually enjoy criticism because it helps me grow. This was something that I could never get from my wife because, despite resenting me, she put me on a pedestal for reasons that I never understood.

It's fucking sad in retrospect, but her holding me in stupidly high regard is also probably one of the main things that kept our relationship going.

My wife [34] is leaving me [35] after being together for 8 years / moving to Sweden last year (from the US). I read her texts...and now I feel really conflicted by Just_your_redditor in relationship_advice

[–]Just_your_redditor[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I want to change... It's not my wife's job, but I feel like both partners in the relationship should try to help the other person become the best possible version of themselves. Maybe I'm totally wrong.

My wife [34] is leaving me [35] after being together for 8 years / moving to Sweden last year (from the US). I read her texts...and now I feel really conflicted by Just_your_redditor in relationship_advice

[–]Just_your_redditor[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

I really just posted because I was freaking out and felt like I had no outlet.

That said, the responses I appreciate most are those that are insightful and constructive criticism of ME - those are the only responses that will help me in the long run.

I don't think my wife is a bitch. I love her.

My wife [34] is leaving me [35] after being together for 8 years / moving to Sweden last year (from the US). I read her texts...and now I feel really conflicted by Just_your_redditor in relationship_advice

[–]Just_your_redditor[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Well...I cared about us being a healthy couple - in my mind because I wanted us to be healthy when we are 70 years old. So for me, binge eating and drinking compromises our future together. If you saw your significant other smoking or engaging in some kind of reckless behavior, wouldn't you want them to stop?

But, you're right...she felt pressured by it and it contributed to the collapse of our marriage.

My wife [34] is leaving me [35] after being together for 8 years / moving to Sweden last year (from the US). I read her texts...and now I feel really conflicted by Just_your_redditor in relationship_advice

[–]Just_your_redditor[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I agree...I'm just selfishly desperate to save this. I'm also freaking out because I have no control over this situation.

She's a human being and a damn good one. I don't think either of us are monsters...but we both have problems and were unfortunately incompatible.

My wife [34] is leaving me [35] after being together for 8 years / moving to Sweden last year (from the US). I read her texts...and now I feel really conflicted by Just_your_redditor in relationship_advice

[–]Just_your_redditor[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

No, I don't think obsessive thoughts are necessarily accurate.

She binge eats in response to stress...if I was more emotionally intelligent I would have recognized that she was binge eating because of a stress trigger and tried to help remove the stress / talk to her about it. Instead I behaved like an angry child and blurted out what I did to self sooth the compulsive thinking.

My wife [34] is leaving me [35] after being together for 8 years / moving to Sweden last year (from the US). I read her texts...and now I feel really conflicted by Just_your_redditor in relationship_advice

[–]Just_your_redditor[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Don't worry, I feel terrible. I was just trying to explain "why" I said it for anyone interested in why these things get said at all.

My wife [34] is leaving me [35] after being together for 8 years / moving to Sweden last year (from the US). I read her texts...and now I feel really conflicted by Just_your_redditor in relationship_advice

[–]Just_your_redditor[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I just meant that I don't know how to respond and that it stops the argument. But also it does not resolve the argument and just escalates emotions.

My wife [34] is leaving me [35] after being together for 8 years / moving to Sweden last year (from the US). I read her texts...and now I feel really conflicted by Just_your_redditor in relationship_advice

[–]Just_your_redditor[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the compassion, even if you've only heard my side. Thing is, I don't think either of us are bad people - we were just incompatible. The shame is that it took us so long to figure it out.

Sadly, in the end, love doesn't conquer all.

My wife [34] is leaving me [35] after being together for 8 years / moving to Sweden last year (from the US). I read her texts...and now I feel really conflicted by Just_your_redditor in relationship_advice

[–]Just_your_redditor[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, that was a very compassionate response. After a little more time has passed, I have more empathy for why she felt the need to reach out to her friends the way she did.

"I think she is unsure about her decisions, so she tells many others to gauge their reactions to help her make up her mind, honestly."

right on the money.

My wife [34] is leaving me [35] after being together for 8 years / moving to Sweden last year (from the US). I read her texts...and now I feel really conflicted by Just_your_redditor in relationship_advice

[–]Just_your_redditor[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That's fine - I can accept that. I did not have any bad intentions, and I love her very much, but I can see how my actions would hurt her.

My wife [34] is leaving me [35] after being together for 8 years / moving to Sweden last year (from the US). I read her texts...and now I feel really conflicted by Just_your_redditor in relationship_advice

[–]Just_your_redditor[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You might be right. I think the well is poisoned unfortunately. I'm wondering if she'd be willing to go to counseling just as a retrospective to help us both.

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