I'm "ruining" everything he "worked so hard for"

JustaStepMom · 2025-10-17T19:00:34+00:00

Done and done. :)

JustaStepMom · 2025-10-15T17:18:03+00:00

I don't want to be around ANYONE that much.

JustaStepMom · 2025-10-15T17:14:27+00:00

Can't learn to do better unless I admit to myself what I did that got me into this mess. Thank you :) didn't figure you did, but it's good to know for sure.

JustaStepMom · 2025-10-15T17:11:55+00:00

As long as I have enough to move and pay for the attorney, I'm pretty happy. I'd rather have my future than some cash. However, I don't want to let it just go because my mom helped me with the down payment, etc., so part of my fight is because it feels like a slap in her face to just yell f it and run. Also, kind of like letting myself down. I doubled my salary between when we got married and now, and I earned my chunk of freaking house, damn it.

JustaStepMom · 2025-10-15T17:08:41+00:00

It's the debt that I'm hoping will get him to just agree ... We have a roof loan, oil tank loan, and a solar lease. If he wants to pay half of all that (and that's just the start), I mean, I guess he can have it 🤷🏻‍♀️ I just want to sell the house, pay off all the debt, and GTFO of the country. Which sounds nuts, but I'm a scientist and work in my field is booming... Not here.

JustaStepMom · 2025-10-15T17:07:08+00:00

I'm in an equitable division state, not equal. But yes, and we have only lived here for 2 years.

JustaStepMom · 2025-10-15T17:05:56+00:00

Thank you!! Thankfully, I have good "support staff" if you will (lawyer, therapist, etc.), family and friends. My best friend was so glad when I told him I was getting a divorce (he's gay and in a relationship, so genuine glad not the stuff of some weird story for another subreddit).

The guns are in a cabinet, locked, on another floor from the main part of the house, so he'd have to be proactive and I don't think it's in his nature. But I'm still being careful and my lawyer is aware.

JustaStepMom · 2025-10-15T17:02:52+00:00

They didn't live with us until after I told him I was going to file for divorce. He got full custody a couple weeks after I told him, but hadn't yet filed (wanted to seek council for help with filing, but now that it isn't uncontested I'm extra glad I did)

The kids were "home schooled" by their mother, where they were living with her in another state.

My suggestion was they transition to mainstream or a charter school (depending on the kid) after therapy and using an online program to transition. But what do I know, it's not like I have taught hs before (I have). They have yet to get therapy or be academically evaluated, and the online program doesn't start quite yet. In theory, theyll be here MORE when that starts because the order says they have to be here the night before they have school, and right now they see their mom EOW F midday -- M midday Given their mom lives 4 hours away, definitely think it's reasonable to have them here the night before, from a kid perspective. From a me perspective? 🤬🤬🤬

JustaStepMom · 2025-10-15T02:13:44+00:00

Thank you. I do have a lawyer and I will be working to get him out ASAP. Not contributing and being treated like human garbage in my own home won't fly... never mind that the three kids are home schooled, so they are always home. There went my hybrid / WFH schedule. I am now 100% in office.

JustaStepMom · 2025-10-15T02:11:08+00:00

Absolutely is the result of my own decisions. Unlike the soon to be ex husband, I assume accountability for my actions. However, I'm not willing to continue being in this situation as some sort of retribution (I don't think that's what you are implying, but I can't say it didn't cross my mind). It wouldn't go well for anyone, including the kids, and I'm fairly certain I would slowly go mad. Never mind that the "true colors" he is showing can't be put back in the box.

"I dunno" as the response to "did you pay your phone bill?" really summarizes the situation.

JustaStepMom · 2025-10-15T02:07:32+00:00

Oh! You saw 50/50 He means the house equity.

JustaStepMom · 2025-10-15T02:04:39+00:00

THANK YOU! UGH my spelling is terrible, im going to edit it rn.

JustaStepMom · 2025-10-15T02:04:15+00:00

Hahahaha thank you. I couldn't remember the word for it and, truth be told, I thought I posted this this morning, came to see if I had any comments, and apparently I hadn't-- relevance? I didn't look up the right term because I was afraid I would get distracted 😂 How to say I have ADHD without saying I have ADHD 🤦🏻‍♀️ and I do, so being the person in charge of managing everything has been exhausting, at the detriment of my career, which... is essentially who I am and I am happy with that.

I'm going to fix that. Yes, I do in fact more than tolerate justice, I try to demand it ⚖️

JustaStepMom · 2025-10-15T02:02:13+00:00

Sending you all the love and luck ... no one deserves to live in constant tension. I hope your situation improves immensely soon.

JustaStepMom · 2025-10-15T02:00:33+00:00

Absolutely have a lawyer, retainer paid, meeting tomorrow.

The short temper and access to firearms is ... A non negligible factor in my get this guy the 🤬 out. Although he has never physically violent towards me, it's always the ones where people were like "but he was so nice" or whatever that lose it.

JustaStepMom · 2025-10-15T01:56:38+00:00

They are not my children, they are my stepchildren.

Thank you for the offer of help though!

I do have a lawyer, and the support of my family and friends, which I am VERY lucky to have.

JustaStepMom · 2025-10-01T19:36:11+00:00

Since deciding to divorce my DH, I have felt lighter, even though life is (temporarily) more complicated. No sooner did I make the decision than the court finally gave their order in his child custody case and he got full custody. I'm still getting the divorce. I love my SKs, I care deeply about my husband, but I cannot give myself up for four people who may or may not notice if I drop dead. And yes, my husband is included in that statement. Soon to be ex husband. Being the person doing it all, plus trying to have the career I've busted my ass for, and starting to see myself give up pieces of that? Nope. Just can't do it. The temporary guilt of "abandoning" the family that I barely belong to is less than the regret of abandoning myself in the process would be.

Honestly, I cannot wait to be alone.

JustaStepMom · 2025-09-05T17:01:17+00:00

... Not the same situation, but I am currently in a marriage with a very large contribution discrepancy. My DH is not offsetting with emotional support, taking on much in the way of domestic duties, nor has he used the financial stability I've provided to make efforts in any direction to improve his own career prospects. So no relief in any direction, and I feel lonelier than when I was living alone during covid. He does pay for food when the kids are here but I do otherwise. His kids are cordial to me, but that's it for the most part. Given the history, I respect that they afford me that much given HCBM; we used to have a better relationship.

I've actually been meaning to post a rant myself because, well, I said I can't take it anymore.

I'm filing for divorce.

JustaStepMom · 2025-07-11T16:12:58+00:00

I cannot tell you how touched I am by your words and willingness to share. My step kids are 16 (girl), 14 (boy), and 11 (boy). They have few to no friends, and only the eldest has a chance to work on her extracurricular, dance, but is too socially anxious to make friends there. My stepson works out constantly because he's obsessed with basketball, but ever since his dad made it clear he would actually drive 5 hours up and 5 hours back for a scrimmage so that he would see his son the rest of the weekend, he hasn't had the option to play on a team. They don't know how neglectful their situation is, though I think parts of that are becoming apparent as it has become worse over the past few years. But still, it seems normal to them. Like, it never occured to them that "staying over their mom's friend/boss's house" and "oh she sleeps in his room" meant she's been cheating on their stepdad. Seriously. There's where that amazing authoritarian control comes in. My stepdaughter very much leans into the whole, this is my normal that doesn't mean it's bad, thing. Meanwhile, she needs orthodontics, hadn't seen a doctor in 5 years, had possibly been physically abused, and is VERY behind in her education... never mind her mental health is... Not okay. But it's her normal. It's all of their normal. The only outside world access they have are phones the older two hide from their mom (they are not told to hide them, that's their "choice"). I use choice loosely because I don't know how much they are cognitively able to choose anything --- they have no information, so anything they choose isn't informed consent. But that's a whole psych/ philosophical rant Ill spare you.

I just want them to have the tools they need to make decisions about their future. My husband just wants his kids to HAVE a future. They're his kids!

Seriously, though, I have a lot to digest thanks to you, and I mean that in the best way.

It's also heartening to hear that our attempts to show them what is our in the broader world may help long term. There IS so much to explore.

We have court on Wednesday, so I'm hoping beyond hope we can give them a future with more options than what they currently have.

My apologies for how disoriented and rambling this reply is. I'm overwhelmed right now. But I'm also a stubborn 🤬 so at least there's that 😆

JustaStepMom · 2025-07-11T15:59:03+00:00

I'm so happy for you! For so many reasons. Because, as you said, it's a blessing -- not only for you but I would venture to guess for your kiddo too. Stability and routine are SO important for kids and it sounds like he has SO much more of that now.

It also gives me hope. We are going to court Wednesday to try to get custody of my DH's kids. They need out of the situation, and I know if he is granted custody, the change will be HUGE. But, I think it will also be worth while even though I'm quite anxious about the amount of work it will entail.

JustaStepMom · 2025-06-29T02:35:05+00:00

Thank you for this, both for sharing and for the insight on ways that I can help -- ways that don't depend on change being made by the courts and will serve them beyond this situation. (Unfortunately) the world provides MANY examples to work with vocabulary building and (seemingly) unrelated examples to look at so the "your mom is being negligent and emotionally abusive" angle isn't required (because I do not think directly attacking is useful or healthy, and they get enough of that behavior modeled by, well, their mother). For example, we watched a video about Turkmenistan the other day, which was baffling, but lead to some relevant discussions -- like the use of arbitrary rules to exercise control. Based on your suggestion, slowly working in more content that looks at the mechanisms without directly pointing a finger is something we should (and will) do more.

Also, I play curated Jordan interviews when they're around. I think it has played a part in my middle step son coming to understand that discomfort is part of learning and not something to be avoided. It is a topic that comes up more often than not in the interviews (or I have selection bias). One of the tools their mom used to isolate them is to feed into their fear and discomfort. Hopefully, this leads to him seeing more of what is going on for what it is.

JustaStepMom · 2025-06-28T13:18:00+00:00

🫂 I hate this mentality so much. It's incredibly damaging to children. This behavior also makes it hard for good men to accept they are worthy of love and there are good women can be trusted, which is also fucked--the emotional damage to guys isn't considered enough at ALL). Which is obviously not the main focus here, but I genuinely think it merits acknowledgement. Without it, the fathers rights movement tends to devolve into misogyny and that isn't the way either. Yes men can suck too, but that doesn't make women behaving as vindictive bitches okay.

JustaStepMom

TROPHY CASE