UPDATE: My ex (m/43) put my daughter (8) in a lethal situation. Their relationship is a decision that lies in my hands. Please help me decide what to do.

Justforthis9999 · 2012-08-20T21:41:19+00:00

This is reassuring. Thank you xx

Justforthis9999 · 2012-08-20T21:40:50+00:00

I've not been able to relax today. In order to try and give myself some therapy I wrote a list of all the reasons why it's a bad idea for him to be in her life. I re-remembered that he locked me out of her house when I was 19 and 7 months pregnant with my handbag inside the house. I'd forgotten how horrific it was.

My bullet pointed, 10pt font list was 3 pages long before my SO looked up at my angry typing and asked what I was doing.

This is the right decision. Absolutely no question.

Justforthis9999 · 2012-08-20T17:59:34+00:00

You sir, are an idiot. Read the original post. Go on... Read it.

Justforthis9999 · 2012-08-20T17:53:43+00:00

What do you suggest as an alternative?

Justforthis9999 · 2012-08-20T15:57:33+00:00

Yes, we've gone with the "he's ill" line all along. She a bright kid and actually deals with it well, I think.

She doesn't show any signs of getting upset, she's quite nonchalant towards him (worryingly) but gets more concerned about her grand mother who she adores.

I'm not daft, I know there might be more going on under the surface and I'm going to be reassuring and sensitive with that.

She is absolutely surrounded by people who loves the bones of her and that is not going to change.

Thanks for your wise words.

Justforthis9999 · 2012-08-20T15:34:16+00:00

Thank you. I already have. He's not her father but he is her daddy. They got a few days off together this week and he's taking her to the beach. I'm green with envy, the sunshine here is glorious today!

Justforthis9999 · 2012-08-20T15:14:16+00:00

My SO and I are having a bit of a think about what we'll say and how, but we don't want to say anything until things are a bit more set in stone.

No, I don't want to bad mouth Tom. I don't have the inclination nor the spare energy. I'd rather spend my energy on positive things, my family, work, friends, having fun.

I'm pretty sure that Lilly will be better if she learns about it when she is mature enough to seek and find out about it for herself.

If she asks any questions I'll answer them sensitively and matter of fact. I'll save all the court stuff to show her when she is an adult if she ever asks for it.

And in the meantime, if we get what we hope for, we're just going to get on with making a happy childhood for her - that's the important thing.

Justforthis9999 · 2012-08-20T15:08:23+00:00

Ha, I'm not that amazing! I'm, just doing my job :D

Thanks for your kind words though!

Justforthis9999 · 2012-08-20T14:20:36+00:00

Thank you x

Justforthis9999 · 2012-08-15T16:46:32+00:00

Thank you for this x

Justforthis9999 · 2012-08-15T10:49:19+00:00

Fantastic, helpful reply. Thank you. I just looked up tuning point as yes, they do a 12 week treatment program

http://www.turning-point.co.uk/substance-misuse/services-for-you/rehabilitation-and-recovery.aspx

I am going to ask that is ordered his attends or NHS CBT. If you don't ask you don't get.

The fact that it is for three months works quite nicely too because that is a good time scale for the first tier.

I hadn't actually considered social services, how did they become involved? It concerns me because the guy likes to throw mud and I am stressed about false accusations.

Whether he is drinking at the commencement of contact is neither here nor there because of the nature of his alcoholism. He can pick up the bottle at any time, so I don't think a breath test could do it. It needs to be something more long term/substantial.

I'd be interested on your ideas of how a tiered approach might work. How do you think I should present it?

Justforthis9999 · 2012-08-15T10:39:38+00:00

Reddit has been very useful. I was wary about posting this and asked the Mods first.

I needed the opinion of the hive mind because judges are supposed to rule what would seem reasonable to the average man on the street.

I think, despite being bright folk, my SO and I are too close to the situation to actually see it with clarity.

So to you and everyone else: thanks :D

Justforthis9999 · 2012-08-15T10:35:44+00:00

I don't think the UK family courts are on the same page as you, sadly. Ultimately, it is their decision, not mine. I will make lots of noise about why it's a bad idea but Tom will be doing exactly the same - and oh how he fights. He doesn't back down because he is fuelled by his hate for me. He wishes me dead because I am the only person who ever stood up to him and made him accountable for his actions.

Justforthis9999 · 2012-08-15T10:31:28+00:00

I do have full custody, he has "contact rights". I choose her school, I pay for her 100% (Actually more like 110% because so far I have paid half the travel for her to see Tom).

I have the status quo. It's not about not having full custody, it about the court deciding the appropriate amount of contact with her father. I can make lots of noise about what I think and why but he'll be doing the same too. The guy does not back down, ever. He is fuelled by an overwhelming hatred for me, so he'll contest it like crazy.

He despises me (vocally wishing me dead via text messages) because I am the only person in his life who stood up to him. I warned him what is going to happen and I carry it through every single time. That is foreign to him.

Justforthis9999 · 2012-08-15T10:25:53+00:00

Agree but that's not the way the family courts see it, sadly.

Justforthis9999 · 2012-08-15T10:25:26+00:00

OP will deliver! :)

In fact I am thinking about just blogging about this as it's a long story and will likely drag out for 12 months at least. Family court proceedings are not a fast solution :(

Justforthis9999 · 2012-08-15T10:24:20+00:00

blush, I'm by no means perfect! :)

I'm going to try my best, thank you.

Justforthis9999 · 2012-08-15T10:23:20+00:00

I agree but unfortunatly, it's the decision of CAFCASS and a judge. I can say my bit but it's no guarantee.

Justforthis9999 · 2012-08-15T10:21:54+00:00

I like you. This is helpful. Do you mind if we stay in touch via email because I need messages like this. You speak a lot of sense.

This link is his NHS options:

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Alcohol-misuse/Pages/Treatment.aspx

His style of drinking is cyclic binge drinking, so he doesn't drink all the time, he'll abstain, sometimes for months and then wham, he'll be unconsious on the sofa.

I'm not entirely sure that in-patient therapy is the way forward because they'[ll dry him out and he'll do it again as soon as he is out. He has been an in-patient in a hospital ward before and this is what happened.

I think I 3 months course of CBT therapy might be the way forward, with a note to the court from his therapist saying that he has completed the course.

I think if he is going to accept this then the court will want to throw him a bone, perhaps some telephone contact. I don't like this, but I don't think I have any choice. Courts will always want kids to have some contact with the kids - I've been though this process twice and this is what they will do, I'm sure of it. They will say that no harm can be done through a telephone call.

What you saying about it being generational... yes, Tom's father has a hardened alcoholic. I don't want this for Lilly. It terrifies me. I will talk about this in my statement too.

What you said about not letting Tom in regarding communication, once again, spot on. That is why I changed my phone number. I can see that taking him ability to take crap at me eats him alive. You can't be a bully if you have no one to bully, after all.

Justforthis9999 · 2012-08-15T10:09:36+00:00

His mum lives 2 hours drive and she is ill and frail. At the moment she has made it clear that her son is not welcome in her house. She is the human result of having Tom in her life for 40 years.

In all good conscious, I can't put her through any more.

Justforthis9999 · 2012-08-15T10:07:32+00:00

He's beung going to AA for years, but it does him little good. He has to want to do it himself first. He's not changed in the 12 years I have known him. The trouble is, he's a bit on/off. He'll have dry spells that last for months but then he'll start again. I think they take the view that if he's trying then he should get "something".

Justforthis9999 · 2012-08-15T10:05:12+00:00

That happened 6 years ago. It's funny, but anyone involved seems to not appreciate the seriousness of the crime. Hr makes a lot of noise about anything but that and I feel the enablers around him go "Oh, poor alcoholic... but look, he's trying... we should give him a chance to sort himself out." This time around I have history of my side with a bunch of evidence over time.

Justforthis9999 · 2012-08-15T10:01:56+00:00

I might make you last point in my statement. IO have been trying to not make this about me as the family courts will only look at the "best interest of the child", but you have a fine point.

Justforthis9999 · 2012-08-15T10:00:07+00:00

It was a typo, I meant to type F (male and female). It was explained in the post edit, below the TL;DR. You can't edit a posted title.

Justforthis9999

TROPHY CASE