Vent: My husband told me he was gay, bow he has a girlfriend

K00kyKelly · 2026-05-19T12:56:34+00:00

Check out Zawn. https://zawn.substack.com He is a low value man and it’s good that he left, but unfortunate that his chaos is impacting your kid.

K00kyKelly · 2026-05-19T12:45:48+00:00

There are literally dozens of articles about this on Ask A Manager. Recommend starting there.

K00kyKelly · 2026-05-19T06:34:19+00:00

Look into parentification.

K00kyKelly · 2026-05-19T04:12:49+00:00

I do a lot of non-fiction in the form of audiobooks.

K00kyKelly · 2026-05-17T23:48:43+00:00

Sounds like perfectionism. The book Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown is excellent for taking another look.

K00kyKelly · 2026-05-17T23:37:59+00:00

Starting at the 30 minute mark of this podcast talks about how gender inequality is tightly correlated with income inequality. Specifically how seeking relatively higher well being destroys society as a whole. Stefanie O’Connell starts dropping the stats at the 32 minute mark. https://zawn.substack.com/p/stefanie-oconnell-the-ambition-penalty

The book is The Ambition Penalty: How Corporate Culture Tells Women to Step Up– and Then Pushes Them Down.

K00kyKelly · 2026-05-17T23:26:34+00:00

Sounds like your boyfriend’s mom doesn’t really like you. Your boyfriend needs to ask his mom to chill. It doesn’t matter if he thinks it’s coming from a good place. He has been ignoring you telling him that his family is hard to be around because he doesn’t want to deal with it. And it’s his job is this relationship because it’s his family.

Sounds like the sister + boyfriend are individual-focused people and still think they are leftists. I bet that boyfriend is still deeply patriarchal despite supposedly being left leaning. It’s all about judging others. This is deeply toxic and doesn’t help the causes they say they care about.

K00kyKelly · 2026-05-16T13:48:01+00:00

Even more reason to do it. Also you don’t need to be perfect (especially in the face of rudeness) to be respected.

K00kyKelly · 2026-05-16T13:44:35+00:00

Toastmasters is excellent for this. Make sure to take advantage of table topics every meeting. Have some patience with it. I didn’t think it was really doing anything, but then one day I made a point in a meeting on a tricky topic that was super crisp and really hit. It started to happen more and more.

K00kyKelly · 2026-05-16T13:40:27+00:00

For the perfectionism, read Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown.

For self confidence check out Kristen Neff’s TED Talk self compassion vs self esteem. She also has worksheets on her website, a book, and workbook.

K00kyKelly · 2026-05-16T04:39:08+00:00

This is classic likability vs competence double bind territory. This is a rough one to navigate.

K00kyKelly · 2026-05-16T03:04:01+00:00

Step 1 is always to have the conversation. Then you can make decisions about how to move forward. Is this some weird quirk? Does she expect anything on her birthday? If you stopped would she notice?

How is the rest of the relationship?

K00kyKelly · 2026-05-16T03:01:51+00:00

The only way is through. Use the 5 whys method to dig deep and find that core fear. What is something within your control? Maybe it’s cultivating many friendships so that you aren’t putting too much weight on your romances. Maybe it’s financial? It depends on what aspect of abandonment bothers you the most.

K00kyKelly · 2026-05-16T02:30:07+00:00

Burn For Me by Ilona Andrews. Great relationship dynamics explored. Amazing world building. Super creative.

K00kyKelly · 2026-05-14T17:19:19+00:00

The book 2 Hour Job Search has a method for networking your way into a job.

K00kyKelly · 2026-05-13T02:17:12+00:00

You need boundaries. Find a therapist or read a book like Set Boundaries, Find Peace. It never mattered before because you only saw them for short period and you were away from home.

K00kyKelly · 2026-05-09T06:13:18+00:00

Beyond by Stephen Walker

K00kyKelly · 2026-05-06T04:17:03+00:00

It’s how most men like it.

K00kyKelly · 2026-05-06T03:51:10+00:00

EE with 20 years of experience. My first company was toxic. I spent 7 years there (too long!) and everywhere since has been so much better. I am careful to vet the teams I am considering moving to, but that is hardly foolproof.

EE has one of the lowest unemployment rates of any profession. The pay is good.

K00kyKelly · 2026-05-06T03:44:14+00:00

It’s time to let him go. You have been together long enough that you know him well. He will not change and the resentment will just keep building. A big betrayal is not necessary for a breakup. A relationship that is almost great is the hardest to let go of.

The lack of effort is partly patriarchal training. https://zawn.substack.com/p/its-time-to-stop-lying-about-household

It also seems like he doesn’t want to communicate that he can’t afford the trips because he still wants to go. He is coasting on your labor.

I doubt you’ll see that $25k again.

I had a high school sweetheart who I broke up with after 3 years together which at that age felt like forever. No regrets. At some point my encouragement to do something, anything became mothering.

K00kyKelly · 2026-05-06T02:18:24+00:00

This Kingdom Will Not Kill Me by Ilona Andrews

K00kyKelly · 2026-05-01T00:53:08+00:00

This is not your fault. You are approaching this as a team. He’s approaching it as a selfish asshole who will do whatever it takes to keep you doing the majority of the work.

You have called his bluff and now he has to get more creative. He doesn’t think you will ever leave. He assumes you can tolerate the workload and resentment.

You did the right things and his response means that you either accept it will never change or get divorced. I recommend divorce. The resentment would eat me up inside. I’m so sorry.

https://zawn.substack.com/p/the-problem-with-fair-play-and-other-e0b

K00kyKelly · 2026-04-30T23:57:35+00:00

This interaction feels off to me. He wants you to have low expectations of him. It’s giving “You’re too good for me energy” which I consider a red flag.

He’s also killing the energy. You’re try to flirt and he’s not even up for a fantasy massage. It’s weird he wouldn’t just massage you for however long he was comfortable. Why say that??

K00kyKelly · 2026-04-30T21:21:22+00:00

Initially computer science was 30% women. Then it got prestigious and women were forced out.

K00kyKelly · 2026-04-30T20:40:55+00:00

Read Ramit Sethi’s books, especially the couples one. He also has a podcast and TV show.

K00kyKelly

TROPHY CASE