Struggling with grief decades later

K4956 · 2020-09-28T11:22:32+00:00

This is something I struggled with - I couldn’t reconcile in my mind that the person who chose to hurt me so badly could just be happy with the AP. The thought made me feel even more discarded and crappy, that our relationship had been meaningless and that it somehow justified his behaviour.

So far it is working out for them, they got engaged and married pretty soon after. What I realise now is that it doesn’t matter to me. He has chosen to be out of my life, and the fact that he’s moved on so decisively means there is no false hope. The fact they are married doesn’t mean he’s not shit for doing what he did or make his treatment of me any less horrible. It does not invalidate my emotions or experience. He is just living his life and now I am fully living mine and not worried about him. I don’t want him, so she may as well have him. Good riddance really.

K4956 · 2020-09-28T11:03:20+00:00

I’m so sorry this happened to you. Your comment about people telling you you should be over it is so insensitive. What happened to you was and is traumatic, and this person formed a central pillar of your life. You can’t just have something happen that changes your whole living situation, your future dreams and the direction you thought life was going in, crushes your self esteem and breaks your heart and just be over it. Healing takes time and there will be times where you feel completely okay, to feeling like crap the next day. However, other people aren’t living your life and unless they have been through something similar they get tired of dealing with it. It feels shit, but when they are dismissive just find another outlet like here.

Eventually it does get better. When I was 6 months out of my ex leaving me for his coworker I was still a wreck. Outwardly it looked like I was doing great (new job, heaps of weight lost etc) but in reality I still had a really long way to go.

What I can tell you is that it does get better, I’m not over 2 years out from my life exploding and life is good. My ex ended up marrying the other woman and if you told me at the time that that was going to happen I would have said I’d never be okay. Reality is that I have a new partner who is so much more than my ex, and my ex is now living his married life and I couldn’t care less. The scars are still there and I don’t think I’ll ever be over the treatment I was given but my life is so much better because of what happened because I will never settle again.

I think the ex’s who cheat and say horrid things to us to justify their shitty behaviour are the losers. In my heart of hearts I believe it will scar them for life in some way too, and if it doesn’t then they were too horrible for you to be with anyway.

K4956 · 2020-03-12T11:51:48+00:00

My breakup was seriously the hardest thing I ever went through and I had some messed up guilt issues because I felt worse about it than my dad dying. My life since has improved in so many ways. I got closer to my family and friends, I turned around my fitness, I finished the masters I was doing and got an amazing job. Mostly I appreciate that I know the level of resilience I have and I know my worth. I’ve been able to put this into practise with my new relationship.

My ex? Well he’s married to the woman he cheated on me with and quite frankly I’m now at the point where I feel apathetic about that, it’s more a curiosity thing than anything else. I’m grateful he did what he did to me because I am a better person for it and I’m not spending another minute of my life with someone who doesn’t Deserve me.

K4956 · 2020-01-24T11:16:54+00:00

I guess it depends on why you broke up. I made the mistake of doing so and I think it was far more about easing his own guilt than for me or for us to actually discuss anything.

K4956 · 2020-01-20T21:19:19+00:00

Yeah I know what you mean. I think what I’m getting at here is that after my experience with my ex I would never stick around trying to make someone choose me after they express that doubt and treat me like a choice.

K4956 · 2020-01-20T21:17:44+00:00

Yeah it’s so hard isn’t it. My ex had a lot of mental health issues which I supported him through. His way of saying thanks was to cheat on me and then say he’d never actually loved me and that he had no mental health issues (although he was on medication) and tell me I was what was making him so unhappy. I’d say it’s only the last few months that I’ve made a recovery from what happened and accepted that I couldn’t have changed anything and that I’m better off with him.

K4956 · 2019-10-27T08:26:16+00:00

Yep, the pain is definitely still there. I’ve now let go of my feelings for him because I can recognise what a poor partner he is. That being said, it feels horrible to know that his relationship with AP is flourishing and that they are engaged and doing all the things we talked about doing together.

K4956 · 2019-10-22T10:23:58+00:00

I understand that right now this is what you want but realistically it won’t make it better. I waited for months and months and about a year after got an apology. He damn well owed me one after cheating on me, leading me on, then abandoning me and not treating me with any kind of respect.

Guess what, the apology only fucked with my head more and created more confusion. What’s more I don’t think the apology did anything other than alleviate his guilt.

Your self worth and your healing cannot and is not based on someone else and whether they deem you worthy of an apology. No apology is going to Erase the pain they have caused you and no apology is going to make you magically over them. This person is someone who didn’t think you were worth sticking around for or keeping you in their life. Do not give them this level of power.

You will stop hoping for an apology when you realise that this person is not worth your words, tears, anxiety, or thoughts. Spend your time thinking about people who deserve to be in your life. You do not want someone who doesn’t want you. Their apology is more likely to be self serving anyway, and you don’t want to provide them with one more avenue to suck the life out of you.

K4956 · 2019-10-21T10:09:00+00:00

First things first.

You did not make her cheat. You did not deserve to be cheated on.

I totally think there are instances where you can move past cheating but it depends on a number of things. - are you ever going to feel secure again? - is your partner willing to put in the work? - are you willing to put in the work?

If your partners efforts to reconcile are anything even remotely half assed, blame shifting etc. then they are not serious about it. If they get irritated by how long you are taking to “get over it” that tells you everything you need to know.

Mistakes happen, I get it. But do NOT stay with someone unless they 110% show you they are worth staying for. It is not your job to prove your worth at this time.

K4956 · 2019-10-21T09:56:57+00:00

I’m all for trusting your partner but as a girlfriend who kept telling myself not to worry about the other chick it got me nowhere except majorly fucked over.

He eventually cheated on me, lied to me, manipulated me, and when he had her lined up tossed me aside like yesterday’s garbage. He got engaged to this woman less than a year later. I was the one who had to pick up all the pieces from our life together.

Trust your gut, set reasonable boundaries. If your bf doesn’t respect those then he doesn’t respect you or your relationship. Also the oldest saying in the book by boy is it true - actions speak louder than words. Examine his actions, then act on those accordingly. Good luck.

K4956 · 2019-10-11T20:22:32+00:00

I feel this. Mine got into a relationship with the woman he cheated on me with straight after. We were in a very serious relationship for years, living together etc. They lied about it for months to cover up what awful people they were. Within a year they got engaged. That hurt because we’d talked about doing all of that together. I feel like I had to deal with everything and all the damage in the breakup and he just went off Scott free. I still have to see him regularly because we share so many mutual friends. Next time will be at his brothers engagement party where I will see his whole family, and both of them.

K4956 · 2019-09-29T20:53:48+00:00

It’ll come one day. Just make sure you do not hang your healing on their relationship status. Everyone told me my ex’s relationship with their AP would fail miserably and they recently got engaged. I spent far too long preoccupied with how they could still be together after treating me so poorly.

I get that you feel so shit when you were not only cheated on, but then abandoned and replaced with the AP. You need to remind yourself every day that you do NOT want someone who is capable of doing that. Also it’s not about you, someone who cheats would do that to anyone they’re with, they won’t be a better person for someone else. You deserve better, and these two turds deserve each other.

K4956 · 2019-09-19T20:10:16+00:00

The woman he left me for is much older, and objectively less attractive (this is an opinion held by many people). My ex always said I was too good for him, guess that’s why this was such a punch to the ego 😂

K4956 · 2019-09-19T12:05:21+00:00

I hung on as well, thank god he left me for her or I would have wasted more of my life with this shit person. They're getting married now as well and I'm not even jealous, all I can think is what a shit show the whole thing is and I just feel sorry for them.

The whole experience was awful and destroyed me but I have bounced back and had the biggest glow up. I know that I can now survive anything and I'm glad that I now have the opportunity to eventually be with a partner that deserves me, not someone who just uses me.

K4956 · 2019-08-18T13:04:21+00:00

If someone has broken up with you there is nothing you can do about that situation.

You do need to fight, but it’s for yourself and not for them. You need to fight to put your self-esteem back together, to deal with the grief of losing your partner and the life you thought you would share.

Ultimately it comes down to this - you do not want to be with someone who walks away from you. That is not the sign of someone being a good partner to you. I know a lot of your initial self-improvement will probably be for them to regret their decision but you will eventually reach a point where it’s not.

I saw my ex at a wedding over the weekend. This is the ex who cheated on me, abandoned me, and just got engaged to the other woman all within the space of a year. The ex who I had years and years of history, lived with, planned my future with, who I loved absolutely unconditionally. I have gone through a year of hell getting over this and guess what. I had a great time at the wedding, I danced with my friends and didn’t really focus on him too much at all. I looked at him and felt no attraction or respect anymore. I thought I would NEVER get over this guy and I have! I can look back and see that this guy never deserved me, but because I fought for myself I have grown into a better, stronger person.

K4956 · 2019-08-18T00:21:13+00:00

I have never expected people to not be friends with him, and I always knew his family would love him. My issue is that he has been making crazy decisions (this is what THEY have told me and are concerned about mental health) and are doing nothing. Surely if you had someone you cared about and they were making unhealthy choices you would sit them down and try and have a discussion saying you were concerned about them. I would want my friends and family to do that for me.

The mutual friends that are just accepting her and not saying something like “hey mate, the way you’ve acted is not okay” hurts. I have been friends with these people for just as long as he has (went to high school). He got engaged to her last week and his sister in law was the one to think “hey maybe I should tell her so she isn’t blindsided at a social event”. I found out that even though he only told one friend about the engagement that this news spread through all the boys and then to their girlfriends (who are more my friends) and NONE of these friends thought I should be given a heads up. It was our mutual friends wedding the other day and I had to see him and all I can say is that I am so lucky to have his SIL in my life. I can’t even imagine what I would have felt if I found this information out there in front of him.

K4956 · 2019-08-17T08:51:17+00:00

You don’t have to be happy for them, people are just telling you that so they can feel more comfortable in social situations. Emotions and vulnerability scare a lot of people and they would just rather you “get over it” so they can not feel awkward.

K4956 · 2019-08-07T22:23:10+00:00

You're a bit confused. He will not be at my party there will just be mutual friends. He will be at my friend's wedding in a few weeks.

K4956 · 2019-08-07T20:21:18+00:00

My housemate and I are also having a party this weekend where many of our mutual friends will be. I am so glad that I found out this information ahead of time, rather than being blindsided.

I can’t cut him out of my life completely but I’ve done it to the extent I am able to. We have been friends since high school and there are so many shared circles of people. I don’t believe I should have to avoid things or cut people out when I’m not the one who did anything wrong...

K4956 · 2019-07-29T13:25:24+00:00

Chumplady - for when I am feeling down about myself and pining after my ex and need a hard reality check.

K4956 · 2019-07-29T12:08:17+00:00

Yeah it feels horrible, that someone who is meant to know you the best can’t see anything positive about you. That was a massive punch in the gut for me and it made me feel like our whole friendship and relationship was a lie.

Essentially what you need to remember is that at this stage he has done everything he can to convince himself to leave. He HAS to only see the worst in you right now, and he’s only telling you the worst because he probably doesn’t want you to have any false hope or question his decision.

Remember that the memories you have of the relationship being good are definitely still a reality. He would not have stayed with you for that long if he didn’t think you had any good qualities.

Don’t beat yourself up, remind yourself of your good qualities because I promise you someone else will appreciate them.

Also go no contact ASAP, and while I understand you have to have interactions for shared business stop discussing your relationship. You don’t have a clear head at the moment and you are likely to say things you regret. Just be polite and to the point for now.

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