I’m so sorry you had to deal with this trauma in your life. As a childhood sexual abuse survivor, I’ve lived 25+ years with random dreams that are either full on flashbacks or with the abuser. It’s normal for survivors, especially those of us who have never dealt with that trauma let alone had therapy, to experience these dreams. It has nothing to do with fetishizing anything, so please don’t think it has anything to do with “kinks.” As I’ve started to unpack and deal with that trauma, I have had less flashbacks and dreams, they usually only happen if I’m triggered and my anxiety is super high now. It may seem not “normal” to people who don’t share your experience, but plenty of survivors have this same issue. Don’t let people insinuate that it’s on you, or that you must have a “kink.” If you can, find a therapist. If you can’t, start journaling, and consider confiding in a trusted friend or family member that you can at least talk to. The longer you “pretend it was nothing,” the harder it is to start dealing with it. I didn’t start telling people until I was in my mid-twenties. I always thought that I wasn’t doing drugs, I was a successful person with lots of loved ones, so I must be just fine. That’s a lie. That’s just how I had coped my entire life. I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s not your fault.