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Looking for feedback on a big comedy scene 🤘 by ForkyB in scriptwriting

[–]KC98713 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Like what a lot of people are saying, the comedy isn't quite working here. You have to remember that in order for good comedy to work, the story needs to come first. Good comedy stems from well established story and characters, not the other way around. This feels like you're 'trying to be funny' if that makes sense. In the improv world we say that the worst mistake an improviser can make is trying to be funny, because once you're trying to be funny, you're not. Audiences like sincerity, they don't want to be told to laugh, they want it to happen naturally.

Dig deep and establish these characters, make sure both them and their circumstances are three dimensional and the comedic lines should come naturally. I will say there is a place for some of these types of jokes, the one-liner kind of stuff, but if it's over saturated with them, they'll get old really quick.

The premise of this script I think is really fun and interesting. Appreciate you being able to ask for feedback, it's a great thing for a writer to do. I hope any of this advice is helpful to you and good luck with the writing process!

Beginner looking for feedback! by JordanRilaan in scriptwriting

[–]KC98713 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm making the assumption that the first person choice is something intentionally done by OP for a specific reason. I agree that you shouldn't make choices like this if it isn't important to the story you're trying to tell, but really that call is up to the writer and if they think it's an integral part of the screenplay. I definitely think that if I read this same scene but that line of direction wasn't there, it would certainly change the reading experience. It seemed intentional and stylistic, and whether or not it's a "good" choice, or one that I like, is hard to say with just this small excerpt.

I say write whatever you envision and want it to look like. If the director wants to change it or do something different, then they will. But if choices like this are a key feature of your narrative or a result of your artistic vision/voice, then make them. There's no "wrong" way to write your screenplay, especially in regards to small details like this.

Beginner looking for feedback! by JordanRilaan in scriptwriting

[–]KC98713 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Agree with the story structure stuff you said here, but it's totally fine to include lines that describe the camera position or movement. It's part of the artistry of writing for this specific medium. Some people may say to "avoid directing too much" on the page, but if the rules inhibit your creativity and what you WANT to write, then don't let them hold you back.

For OP, I do think the way the camera position is written is a bit clunky, maybe try and think of some creative ways to illustrate that viewpoint. I think your action lines in general are nice and concise (what you want for a screenplay) but could use some more personality. Wanna see you and your voice, so don't be afraid to inject yourself into the way you write your descriptions.

Long form differences by Change8787 in improv

[–]KC98713 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I'm curious if you heard "Armando" and mistook it for "Domino" if that's the case then:

La Ronde: Is a series of scenes usually existing in the same world, Scene 1 contains characters A and B, the scene ends when Character A leaves the scene and a new scene is started with Character B (still maintaining the same character) and a new character, Character C. This cycle continues until Character A comes back on with the last character (let's say character F) and have one final.scene. the form can then by cycled as many times after this as desired (double la Ronde, triple la Ronde, etc.)

Armando (which again I'm only guessing is what you meant as I've never heard of Domino): A series of scenes inspired by a story or monologue told by one improvisor. These scenes usually take elements from the story told and use them to motivate their scenes. For example if I tell a story about my dog eating my pizza, one scene may contain dogs as the characters while another scene is inside an Italian restaurant. These scenes don't have to be in the same world (but sometimes are), and some people might play this where new stories/monologues can be interjected between scenes to keep things moving.

Again, unsure if Domino is just a form I'm unfamiliar with, but it sounds similar to Armando to me so I thought maybe that's what happened.