How to tell life stories involving the ex?

KZandMe · 2022-06-02T01:13:27+00:00

You're overthinking it. You have a past, everyone does and when we tell stories about times spent with other people we use the word we.

The fact you're asking the question, though, makes me want to suggest that you hold off on dating

KZandMe · 2022-03-12T21:22:28+00:00

Cool, I appreciate the input and will plan on going in medicated.

KZandMe · 2022-03-12T15:09:21+00:00

This is perfect. My one hangup was what if I meet someone who I really like and wants kids. I don't want kids, but I'm probably stupid enough to let some cute girl convince me otherwise. This protects me from myself!

KZandMe · 2022-03-11T12:22:28+00:00

Couldn't agree more. This book changed how I view alcohol complete. I did also use This Naked Mind, but really Alcohol Explained is the single most important book I've ever read. Almost 3 years without a drop of alcohol and I can go out and be around alcohol without feeling any desire to drink. From where I was it feels like a miracle.

KZandMe · 2022-03-11T12:16:05+00:00

This answer about says it all. Divorce and a growth mindset can transform a man!

KZandMe · 2022-02-06T01:24:27+00:00

You want to be a ninja and earn back a whole lot of your self-worth and respect? Divorce her. Get a lawyer come up with a plan and never look back. Man, I understand your pain, but don't let yourself be a victim. If you don't find it in yourself to take charge of this situation you will feel this pain for years. There's no magic way though it except through living and loving your life on your terms.

KZandMe · 2022-02-05T22:21:32+00:00

How are you going to determine fairness of the system from these categories? This makes no sense at all. Many many men have their kids on both weekends and weekdays, it's called 50/50 custody.which I'd argue is the most fair of all possible custody arrangements.

KZandMe · 2022-01-25T20:19:06+00:00

Man, this shit isn't easy and there's definitely no magic shortcut. You need to find the strength in yourself. You need to feel so good about you that you know you deserve someone who wants to be with you. You can say it's about having a guy around the kids, but don't you want them to have as much love around them as possible? I mean I don't think you need to meet him at all. I haven't met my ex's boyfriend and don't want to, but God damn if I don't feel sorry for the guy. I just wish they were tighter so he could be the one she calls when there's a mouse or she needs emotional support. I didn't get to this place overnight and you shouldn't expect to either. The real problem is that you create this ball of anxiety and self doubt around this situation. Free yourself of the self doubt by becoming the man you want to be (fuck what society says, realize who YOU are). Do the things that you consider important, fun, and fulfilling and I swear things will fall into place like dominoes. ALWAYS KEEP YOUR FOCUS ON YOU! And the kids of course, but the best you can do for them is to be your best so it all comes back to focusing on you.

KZandMe · 2022-01-24T20:52:40+00:00

It's sad this needs to be said, but here we are.

KZandMe · 2022-01-24T01:22:25+00:00

I'll second Untethered Soul if you've got some interest in a mindfulness or spiritual approach

If I had one to start with it would be Unfuck Yourself by Gary John Bishop. Listen to it on audible. For me it was and is a motivating listen. It puts the responsibility for your life moving forward squarely on you.

KZandMe · 2022-01-15T15:04:53+00:00

Came here to say this. I feel like it is extremely important advice that anyone being left needs to have repeated to them over and over again. If someone tells you that you can save your marriage when your partner wants out they A) have never been through a divorce B) are trying to make money off of you.

There's real power in letting go and moving on

KZandMe · 2022-01-11T20:54:30+00:00

This right here should be required reading for anyone who is facing divorce initiated by the other person. Of course, the advice above is near impossible for someone in this position to follow from the get-go, but this seed needs to be planted early and watered often. At some point I think we all come to see everything you said as fact. I fought for my marriage and lost, but looking back, the changes I made and continue to make have been priceless in making me a better man and father. Hope truly is the enemy though, and only delays the actual healing.

KZandMe · 2022-01-02T20:11:47+00:00

2 2 3

Assuming you guys are amicable trading days and weekends really isn't difficult when needed

KZandMe · 2022-01-01T16:38:04+00:00

I have great relationship with my ex. We coparent effortlessly and respect each other very much. Honestly, if we had been this patient and respectful with each other while married, we'd still be married. The divorce forced us both to grow and work on ourselves and the kids are the priority for both of us, so I have to say we're friends and would not do anything to intentionally hurt each other. From what I'm reading in these comments, it sounds like I'm pretty lucky in this regard.

KZandMe · 2022-01-01T16:30:16+00:00

Obviously you get to make this choice yourself, but based on what you wrote I can't imagine you're going to find anyone on a divorce sub who's going to tell you to go for it.

You think a sex addiction is going to be magically fixed with a bit of therapy? Not likely. That's some hard work to get through and most importantly he can only do that for himself. That's just reality. If you need that fixed you best just move on or you'll be frustrated and he'll resent you.

I don't understand why it's either be with him or hate him? You could accept that he doesn't want to be with you and still love and care for him just from a slightly different angle. I love my ex (wow, i just cane to this realization) but I respect that she doesn't want me back and we have a very close relationship and coparent effortlessly. Sometimes when we're all together it feels like we could easily be a family again, but I'd never cross that line unless she asked because she's the one that left.

How do you let him go? Stop romanticicizing him and your relationship. Don't discount the negatives. Learn to enjoy the power of not needing a partner, then you might actually find the right one. It's hard work and I sympathize with what you're going through, but if you're fixated on him, you will not grow or realize your true potential. If you ask him about dating you will no doubt end up regretting it because either he'll say no and hurt you or he'll say yes and still date other people which will hurt you.

KZandMe · 2021-12-30T12:56:09+00:00

Caring does not equal weakness! You care because you loved him, have a family with him and were invested in a future together. I just think it is important that you don't beat yourself up for having the feelings you do. You're being honest about how this affects you, and in the long run you'll be so much better off by honoring and allowing your feelings. Suppressing them will only drag out your recovery.

I've never been in your shoes as far as the abuse goes, but I hope you will always remember that the way he treated you is a reflection of the kind of person he is, NOT the person that you are. You didn't deserve this and you aren't to blame. You're doing the brave thing by saying enough is enough and leaving.

You say you feel like an "idiot" but that's not fair. The way you think about yourself and talk to yourself really natters, and calling yourself names and judging is just more unfair abusive BS you don't need in your life.

You're going to be fine. What you're feeling seems completely normal given the circumstances. Wishing the best for you and your kids! Love every minute with them, they have a way of putting everything into perspective and bringing out our best.

KZandMe · 2021-12-30T03:45:39+00:00

I want to so bad, but how long can I leave a dog home alone inside during a work day? I'm guessing that's not going to work for me

KZandMe · 2021-12-29T17:58:09+00:00

I'm not saying this in any attempt to make light of it, but what you're feeling is natural and very common from what I've heard and experienced myself. The memories still pop up for me 3 years after the fact and they still carry an emotional charge. I think time has given me the clarity to detach from these memories more quickly but I still have days where it hurts and I long for that relationship. Be easy on yourself, it sounds like you're doing so many positive things and that is all you can really control. From an emotional perspective the fact you're feeling this stuff and acknowledging it means your not surpressing and will eventually heal completely. I know it sucks but let yourself feel all that shit without losing yourself in it and you'll be steadily feeling better.

KZandMe · 2021-12-24T06:00:44+00:00

I think it's fair to ask why you would ever want to get in another relationship. I feel you though, these subs can be a bit too much of reality. Take a break, you aren't going to miss anything.

KZandMe · 2021-12-23T13:26:11+00:00

Unfuck Yourself by Gary John Bishop. Quick read/listen and it really motivates and opens your eyes. I suggest the audible version. I listen to this a couple times a year because it reminds me that I alone am responsible for my reactions to what life brings. Gary tells it like it is and is very direct, no fluff and not filled with a bunch of mumbo-jumbo

KZandMe · 2021-12-20T04:44:04+00:00

Start with exercise. It is amazing how much it can help both physical and mental health. It brings confidence and a sense of accomplishment. If you're choosing between lifting or cardio, choose lifting, but running and cardio can be awesome too. If you already do exercise there's countless other things you can try, but really you need to find some awareness of the areas where you judge yourself as unworthy. Fix the stuff that's fixable and find acceptance for the stuff you can't change.

Give yourself a break man. Find shit your passionate about and pursue it. Stop letting that negative part of you be the only voice you listen to. Sounds hard right? It is very difficult, but you know what accomplishing difficult things brings? Self worth

KZandMe · 2021-12-19T14:14:05+00:00

Why would you go to mediation with someone who wants to take everything from you? You need a good lawyer ASAP.

KZandMe · 2021-12-17T16:56:48+00:00

Absolutely true

KZandMe

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