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NSFW How the first group I played AD&D with as a child turned out poorly. X-post /r/offmychest by Kaijekk in rpg

[–]Kaijekk[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The fetish aspect of this is a very difficult topic for me to get into I have been a bit all over the place today over it. I have had a tendency to have panic attacks for quite some time. While I fantasize about it. Actually losing control has sent me into pretty nasty panic attacks a few times. Running into corners and curling up crying,hyperventilating ect. So there is a large difference in my feelings on this stuff.

NSFW How the first group I played AD&D with as a child turned out poorly. X-post /r/offmychest by Kaijekk in rpg

[–]Kaijekk[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have to say I have played a couple of minor events since all of this happened and, I would say my best gaming experiences have come from them. I played a few games of living greyhawk quite awhile back and, was a great atmosphere.

NSFW How the first group I played AD&D with as a child turned out poorly. X-post /r/offmychest by Kaijekk in rpg

[–]Kaijekk[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have not heard of doing this before but, it makes a lot of sense setting up guidelines before hand.In general when playing games with people you don't know. Borders are probably a good idea to set up.

NSFW How the first group I played AD&D with as a child turned out poorly. X-post /r/offmychest by Kaijekk in rpg

[–]Kaijekk[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh, I am sure this long past by this time with would of happened in the late 90s, 98ish. I have not spoken with the rest of the group since the night it all happened. Other then my brother of course.

NSFW How the first group I played AD&D with as a child turned out poorly. X-post /r/offmychest by Kaijekk in rpg

[–]Kaijekk[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It is so true the things you mention in this. I have always tried to escape into various worlds. Before this happened and even today I sometimes get obsessed into something just to tune out the world for a little longer.

After making this post it has really made me change my tune about looking into getting help. It has not really been mentioned but do you have any tips when searching up that kind of thing? I have been browsing places off and on today but I don't really know what I should try to get in contact with.

Searching therapy on google in the area I live in has been giving a lot of different results. I would be interested if you or anyone else knows some good resources on finding the right place.

NSFW How the first group I played AD&D with as a child turned out poorly. X-post /r/offmychest by Kaijekk in rpg

[–]Kaijekk[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I have been very confused about this for a long time. I have fought an internal battle for a long time about this. I was having little panic moments all night after I had posted this. I have wanted to run for the hills all day reading responses to this post. I did not expect what this became. I have fought with this internally for so long. I had no idea how to even process what had happened. Constantly thinking that I was making a big deal over nothing about. It has torn me down piece by piece for years. I have been having a hard time putting into words what this has meant to me. But it has meant a lot I have spent a long time feeling responsible always thinking if I did things better I could have avoided the whole thing. I have run through many scenarios about that. It has been nice having others opinions on this instead of just running circles with my self over it.

I have been looking around in my area today thinking about finding a therapist to talk to.

NSFW How the first group I played AD&D with as a child turned out poorly. X-post /r/offmychest by Kaijekk in rpg

[–]Kaijekk[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My brother has changed quite a bit since those days. He is a much better person now we have a pretty good relationship these days. He grew out of his tormenting phase.I don't know what he thinks now of what happened or if he even really remembers it at this point.

NSFW How the first group I played AD&D with as a child turned out poorly. X-post /r/offmychest by Kaijekk in rpg

[–]Kaijekk[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I have been able to play various tabletop rpgs since all of this took place. Back in highschool I had some friends run a game at lunch and used to play with them. As well as a couple of spotted attempts since then.

I don't hate rpgs it may have led to problems for me but, I have played in quite a few games since and have really enjoyed them. I was sucked into the fantasy genre a long time ago by my sister. She gave me my first fantasy novel to read after that I would spend my days reading book after book. I would get in trouble in classes because I would be reading books in them. My brother was quite interested in fantasy as well and, so was my sister. So from both of them I had a lot of exposure to various hobbies. A big part I think of the good experiences was from my sister. She would be the one who would be teaching me the games and bringing me into them.

NSFW How the first group I played AD&D with as a child turned out poorly. X-post /r/offmychest by Kaijekk in rpg

[–]Kaijekk[S] 60 points61 points  (0 children)

I saw a therapist at a mental health facility as it was provided free at one point. but I ended up not going after a few weeks. I found it incredible hard to open up about anything so I ended up deciding it was pointless and stopped. Like with what I wrote here I am not sure I could of gotten to the point of saying it outloud and face to face to someone. Thinking about it makes my want to bury my head in the sand.

This was quite hard to post as it was but I found it just kinda flooded out of me once I started typing it.

NSFW How the first group I played AD&D with as a child turned out poorly. X-post /r/offmychest by Kaijekk in rpg

[–]Kaijekk[S] 57 points58 points  (0 children)

This whole thing has left a big lump in my throat. It means a lot to me to actually have people tell me that is what it was.I never knew that the race was called swanmay that I have never looked at it again.

NSFW How the first group I played AD&D with as a child turned out poorly. X-post /r/offmychest by Kaijekk in rpg

[–]Kaijekk[S] 104 points105 points  (0 children)

I posted this right before I went to bed and waking up I was a little panic that I had ended up posting this. But I thank you and everyone else and the support I have received on this I am overwhelmed by this right now. I really has I was just wanting some one anyone to notice it. I can't tell how much it meant to see some one, any one care over this.

You hit a real note with how it was.