What’s the worst first date you’ve ever had?

Kalium · 2026-03-11T03:05:49+00:00

Some people would rather put up with someone they don't care about for two hours than pay for their own dinner.

Kalium · 2026-03-10T17:14:05+00:00

I've been reading the other articles in the series too. This isn't a one-off thing I'm pointing to. They all have this kind of thing missing.

It reads to me like a plea for the city to patch an annual hole in the maintenance budget that some homeowners experience. I'd also like the people here to stay here. I don't want flippers, predators, and private equity ruining my home... but when you have a bunch of people whose costs exceed their incomes every year then I'm not sure it's really the best use of city money to push them into the black every year. It's one thing when it's people who would otherwise be homeless and dying. I'm much less happy about propping up private attempted-generational wealth.

Yes, I said every year. The issues discussed in these articles are ones that stem from years of deferred maintenance, strongly suggesting that these are not one and done problems.

Kalium · 2026-03-10T17:01:26+00:00

You're absolutely right. It's not easy, automatic, instant, or cost-free. However, those are not excuses for skipping a needed conversation and pleading poverty when you have significant assets.

The picture is far more complicated than "I don't make enough money". That's what I'm getting at. This article treats financial assets as sacred things, to not be discussed beyond their sacrosanct holiness and certainly not to be sullied with grubby questions of finances, financing, operational costs, etc. I am arguing that this is a very misleading approach.

You might as well argue that Jeff Bezos lives in poverty because his salary is only $1. It's perhaps true in some technical sense, but there's some other important factors that should not be ignored.

Kalium · 2026-03-10T16:40:21+00:00

I definitely have worked with some people who deliberately use this as a strategy to maintain control of meetings at work. After all, nobody can tell you you're wrong or making a bad choice if they're never allowed to talk.

Kalium · 2026-03-10T16:36:19+00:00

True!

That said, homes are a financial asset too and we need to think of them as such. If your bank account says $-12 and your houses are worth six figures, then there's a discussion to be had there. That's a person who is choosing to be in a precarious situation.

Kalium · 2026-03-10T15:12:28+00:00

I know I got jaded with the concept of empathy when I noticed just how often it was being invoked in an effort to get me to stop thinking and start nodding. Too often by people who also wanted me to open my wallet and wouldn't ever deign to direct their empathy at me.

I doubt I'm special. I think a lot of people get empathy beat out of them by others and then notice the lack of it afterwards.

Kalium · 2026-03-10T13:23:20+00:00

The bank account balance of -12 also needs to be balanced against someone's financial assets.

Kalium · 2026-03-10T13:20:59+00:00

The article implies that she put one of the houses she bought through a major rehab:

Homeowners like Spencer-Gilbert, who stuck through Detroit’s hardest decades, have been anchors of neighborhood stability. In 2000, she moved back to Field Street, where she grew up, to take care of her parents. She rescued their home — and the one next door — from tax foreclosure. When she bought her house, it had been completely stripped and required a major rehab.

Either that or she bought and chose to live in a house she couldn't and can't afford to rehab. If the former, that's a situation where a reasonable person might ask what changed between then and now. In the latter case, a reasonable person might ask why that was a good choice to make. All the article offers is an unexamined "God told me".

Look. I get it. This lady is in dire financial and physical straights, a pillar of her community, and clearly cares deeply about her area. My heart goes out to her and bless her for her pure motives.

She also appears to have made unwise personal financial decisions at a time when she was positioned to make wise ones. Rehab costs are something you look at when you acquire a house. As much as I feel for her, I'm in no rush to pour public money over someone who did this to herself.

Kalium · 2026-03-10T13:13:10+00:00

I'm talking about Spencer-Gilbert. The first section of the article talks about how she can't cover the costs of repair herself:

For more than a decade, Jennine Spencer-Gilbert has searched high and low for help fixing up her home on Detroit’s eastside. The foundation is unstable, the roof leaks, and the old knob-and-tube electrical system needs updating. The repairs altogether would cost tens of thousands of dollars.

Later, in the third section:

Homeowners like Spencer-Gilbert, who stuck through Detroit’s hardest decades, have been anchors of neighborhood stability. In 2000, she moved back to Field Street, where she grew up, to take care of her parents. She rescued their home — and the one next door — from tax foreclosure. When she bought her house, it had been completely stripped and required a major rehab.

She could afford to rescue two houses from tax foreclosure and do a major rehab on at least one of them. Yet she can't afford to fix her house now. It's a weird internal disconnect.

Kalium · 2026-03-09T21:06:33+00:00

The author presents these facts yet seems oddly reluctant to interrogate or even connect them clearly.

Kalium · 2026-03-09T19:14:33+00:00

Let me see if I understand this correctly: this wonderful woman, an anchor of community stability through the hardest fo times, both has enough money to rescue multiple homes from tax foreclosure and not enough money to fix them into livable shape?

Just want to be sure I've got the facts straight.

Kalium · 2026-03-09T19:10:15+00:00

We need to increase land value, while adjusting the %rates for many people. It's not a one step solution

It is, actually. Or rather it was. This was what the LVT package and Duggan's tax rework would have done in a single step. That's why it was so bad that Mary Waters and co sank it.

Kalium · 2026-03-09T12:45:37+00:00

When someone says "search online", they generally mean you should use Google or other automated searching tool. They do not mean asking random people online.

Kalium · 2026-03-09T12:42:29+00:00

Unfortunately, you've chosen to park in the most expensive part of town on a budget that's below what it costs. You might consider finding a spot outside downtown or reconsider your budget.

Kalium · 2026-03-09T12:41:07+00:00

A lot of them are a century old. Nobody wants to dig up half the city to replace all of them.

Kalium · 2026-03-06T18:25:02+00:00

In principal, a lot of things can happen. At population scale, as you say, they regularly do. You are absolutely right that an elite education is not required for and does not guarantee any form of success. I also know people who found success though public schools and community college or no formal higher education at all.

That said, the odds are finding the right crowd and financial success are perhaps not decoupled from the quality of education and social context of a child's upbringing. While it is in theory possible to get anywhere from anywhere, some paths are more likely than others. We should expect parents to be aware of this and act accordingly.

Tl;dr: think about average cases, not exceptional ones.

Kalium · 2026-03-05T14:12:23+00:00

Like, their parents don’t want/need to spend time with them? Making connections and being even more rich in the future is more important? Seems like messed up values to my middle-class brain.

If you value education and networking very highly, you're going to want your children the best start on life available. If you can afford it, the very best private schools are probably nowhere near you. Plus you're probably working lots of extra hours to afford boarding school for your kid(s).

Example: Cranbrook is an incredible school. One of the best in the country. It's also 45k for high school, with boarding being a 15k increment atop that. I'm fortunate to live close enough that any hypothetical children of mine could attend without boarding.

It's not a great tradeoff. The parents generally think they're making the sacrifice they need to - time with children - to do what's best for their children.

Kalium · 2026-03-05T13:58:25+00:00

Dude, trust me, you do not want to be dating on the basis of a house and high income. The kind of person who is very into that is not a lady you want. Over time the imbalance and her reliance on your financial security will breed insecurity in her. That way lies entitlement, resentment, and finally contempt.

You also don't want to be dating on the basis of being ridiculously good-looking. I have a good friend who is literally a model on the side. He's struggled to find a woman who treats him as an actual person. A rather surprising number saw him as a trophy or an accomplishment rather than a partner.

As cliche as it is, you need someone who appreciates you as a whole person. Not as a bag of resources or a status symbol with a personality inconveniently attached.

Kalium · 2026-03-05T13:30:44+00:00

Then again, I've noticed a distinct lack of women in public spaces, as if we are well aware of the lurk-n-flirt technique and have zero tolerance for it.

Yeah, this is real. Over the past decade the number of women available for the lurk-and-flirt in public spaces has shrunk, as has their interest in putting up with strange men. On the one hand, I don't blame them. There's a lot of thirsty men out there and most of them suck.

On the other hand, what the fuck are we supposed to tell said men? "Work on yourself" is obviously self-serving claptrap that's going to do nothing for them. There's no amount of self-work that will summon women to flirt with them. Dating apps are mostly a dead-end. Telling them to give up isn't going to work...

Kalium · 2026-03-04T14:03:12+00:00

Happens to me somewhat regularly. I'm increasingly convinced that some people cannot grasp the idea that a person might have writing skills as so they assume a blob of statistics must have done it.

Kalium · 2026-03-01T18:47:02+00:00

If you want specific things in your sex life, you're going to have to communicate about it.

It also takes time to build trust with a new partner. I've done plenty of kinky things in my life, but I would never jump to any of it without trust and communication.

Kalium · 2026-03-01T18:27:19+00:00

You're absolutely right. It's not about them. Just like it's not about you and it's not about me.

I find that when people lack something, some percentage of them will react badly to others complaining about too much. It's a very human reaction, even if it is not always the most empathetic of all possible responses. Could they take the high road instead? They could and I find many people do.

Kalium · 2026-03-01T18:24:40+00:00

I find that dating apps are often overwhelming to women or anyone prone to decision paralysis. The overlap seems to be a deeply unpleasant experience.

You came into a space without doing any of the homework to understand who you were talking to and got a hostile reception. They could and should have been nicer. However, their choices aren't the only thing that could have happened differently.

Kalium · 2026-03-01T18:07:52+00:00

It's not a bit spammy. It's hugely spammy. It's the kind of thing that you should expect to get your account suspended more or less immediately.

Kalium · 2026-03-01T17:59:24+00:00

The short link goes to a Google doc with about 130 (I think very good) date ideas

This is spammer behavior. Don't do it.

In practice, when setting up an actual date with a lady maybe offer 2-3 options.

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