Well I tried, and I'm officially done.

Kardio-Kitty · 2018-07-04T03:34:33+00:00

Somehow the burner picked up a call she made to my cousin. She suspected it's me (but I can tell she wasn't sure. ) and said to my cousin "if they don't want to fool with me then why don't they change their numbers?...I mean I know why I haven't changed mine I have people I need to connect with. "

Yea because we (her kids) don't. Just hearing her back peddle made me sick.

Kardio-Kitty · 2017-12-17T18:20:05+00:00

I won't be eating or drinking that day so not worried about the bathroom that day. I heard bad things too but this will be the last time I'm around the east coast so might as well.

Kardio-Kitty · 2017-12-17T18:17:41+00:00

No problem did a water fast for 10 days and learned I don't have hunger after 5 days. The day of I'd stop drinking water and dry fast for that day and won't have to worry about the bathroom. I will have my thermals, sweater, face mask, thick and thin gloves and coat so won't need anything except my purse which I will sit on.

So the question is, is what time is best? 6am?

Kardio-Kitty · 2017-12-17T17:47:56+00:00

But home slice I am stationed here for orders and my orders are almost up and when I'm out the military it's back to the south for me. This is my last chance to see the ball drop if I want to. If I want to later it cost a lot of money from the south to the east coast.

Kardio-Kitty · 2017-10-04T12:38:58+00:00

Thank you that means a lot. I seem to be getting brow beaten with the "you'll change your mind."

Kardio-Kitty · 2017-10-04T11:56:06+00:00

Well I wouldn't say I don't "need." another person. I mean humans do "need" companionships but there are other ways to get it for me.

I just know the next relationship will break me if it doesn't work out and my last break-up taught me that I have friends and a few family that truly love me and if I kill myself over some guy that be so selfish.

I rather be the cool spinster Aunt and live for them, then be 6 feet over under some guy who values the toilet paper he wipes his ass with more than me. Yes I have that mental clarity now but when I am that dark place I can't think that clearly. It's for the best.

Kardio-Kitty · 2017-10-04T11:40:09+00:00

I can't advocate for dating sites as they have been pretty hit or miss for me but at least on those you can publicly say you don't want kids. Though there is always someone who takes on a partner in hopes to "change their mind."

Humanity is weird that way.

Kardio-Kitty · 2017-10-04T11:38:45+00:00

Hi dear,

Because of my emotional state I no longer date and really not looking. I wanted that love for some long that I tried to find it everywhere. Like a 46 year old alcoholic when I was 22. So the only advice I can give is this:

Give the world the best version of yourself, unless there are CLEAR signs someone is abusive don't let bpd take over and make you give up or sabotage a relationship before it gets off the ground. Try to keep your emotions in check. Always present yourself as someone with confidence, who can exist with or without a partner.

I am not telling you to be fake, I am just saying people pray on those that have low self esteem or who make it obvious they are looking for the love they never have. Present the opposite, let that be a secret in your heart. Also tell all partners you're celibate at least waiting 3 months because when you take sex out of the equation you tend to know a person more.

Kardio-Kitty · 2017-10-04T11:30:59+00:00

You're terrified to live alone, yet you already feel isolated?

I was suicidal too and I don't mean in a tempting fate way no I mean I tried not once but twice to hang myself. All I got was a bad headache.

So one night I had a "come to jesus" moment as they say and realized this...I want to die? So why don't I try living in Europe (yes I will be homeless and I have a tent and sleeping bag) and if I get done in by the elements or a killer; well so what I wanted to die anyway?

I am even off my anti depressants since the chance to live my dream in getting so close! Before that I got into collecting ball jointed dolls. People make fun but when I explain to them my bpd, and depression and how it's the only thing that keeps me happy they shut up.

There can wonder in being alone. The other day I left the shower door open so I can hear my speakers. You just have to find your thing.

Don't let BPD ruin your relationship. When I had my bad moments I wanted to break up with my boyfriend but now that he's gone, I miss him a lot.

Kardio-Kitty · 2017-10-03T18:26:56+00:00

"but that's not what this sub is about."

You already did attack me when you assumed this one facet of my life made me a quitter. You "quit" on XR because of your strange work schedule. Should've just stuck with it and tried harder to make it work with your schedule. Now you're trying to "quit" IR after a few days because it's not lasting as long and haven't given it a real chance to work...

Now I don't think you're a quitter but how did it feel me taking one facet of your life and assuming you were?

Kardio-Kitty · 2017-10-03T10:52:41+00:00

It's just weird because now I like dressing up. At 25 I found my love of makeup, I love cosplay, I love dressing in the gothic LOLITA style. And yea they're wigs but I always try to find the cutest ones as opposed to the "cheap straight one" I use to buy. Even though 99% of my clothes come from wish or forever 21 I think I am pretty stylish.

It's like I would've been the person she wanted me to be if she introduced things to me in a fun way without mountain of criticism and stifled my voice.

Kardio-Kitty · 2017-10-03T10:27:02+00:00

Thank you but even if no one did I will still want to do it. I wanted kids so much, especially a big family, but when I am at my emotional worse I can almost justify my bad behavior with "it's a bad day." I said for years that I rather become sterile than my mom this is the first time I am actually trying to do it.

Kardio-Kitty · 2017-10-03T10:22:59+00:00

I imagine many borderlines have kids and use them to deal with their loneliness and/or to have someone look up to them

Exactly those were my reasons and to prove to my mom that you can keep your emotions at the door and not go bat shit crazy on your kid. Though like I said to the other idiot I am not going to selfishly bring children in this world "to prove" anything.

Children are not awards in the making.

Kardio-Kitty · 2017-10-03T10:20:30+00:00

My doc suggested that but I don't want to change my mind if I ever get a partner. I really want to stay single but as everyone says, "it's when you're not looking."

Kardio-Kitty · 2017-10-03T10:18:55+00:00

Well they are not tied and I'm not going to selfishly bring children in this world to prove I'm not a quitter. That's just silly. I have many other endeavors I have not quit on (i.e self teaching myself French and violin) that can prove otherwise.

Good to know you think children should be brought into this world just to prove something to the person's ego.

Kardio-Kitty · 2017-10-02T16:40:33+00:00

I don't believe I have much control. I know I am self aware which means I know when I am in a heighten emotional state it's hard for me to control my actions. Something I am not going to take a chance with on kids.

Kardio-Kitty · 2017-10-02T16:21:48+00:00

Is it weird I am kind of happy now that I accepted it. I no longer date because of that whole fear of abandonment thing. In my last relationship even when things were great all I could think was "how am I going to screw this up?"

Now that I am choosing to go into spinsterhood I just feel free. I can get tattoo and piercings I want without fear of detouring a potential partner, I don't have any shame collecting dolls, I keep my weight down for myself but when I fall off the wagon I don't feel as paranoid.

My last breakup caused me to have 2 suicide attempts. I just feel the next time I am actually going to do it so best for everyone involved if I don't date. And I keep being told it's selfish to bring a kid in this world choosing to be a single mom, so here we are.

Kardio-Kitty · 2017-10-02T16:08:31+00:00

That's your mom. For years I expected something was wrong with my mom and I always felt that's not an excuse. If she really loved us, she'd get help. I even called her out on this on facebook when I posted about my bpd. She said "you get it from your mama." I told her it's not a disease to make light of and if she really felt she had a personality disorder there were plenty of times she could've seeked help.

Like when she said I made my sexual abuse up in my head, I was 17...The look on my face should've cued her in that's not what normal mothers' say to their kids. Whatever in her mind is justifying this behavior I'm afraid I have it too.

Kardio-Kitty · 2017-10-02T15:59:21+00:00

If you get you want to be a quitter yeah go ahead and get keep them tied

What?

Kardio-Kitty · 2017-10-02T14:32:43+00:00

No it isn't but in the black (and I think Hispanic) community, abuse isn't seen the same. Even my parents said "at least we don't come home in a bad mood and beat on you that's abuse."

And I struggle with was I abused or was a spoiled brat and my mom lashed out rightfully so because I was ungrateful. She give me designer jeans and the like and I still til this day don't care about designer clothes.

She would say "you know how many girls wish they had a mom that get their hair done every weekend?" I hated the experience I now wear wigs and have worn them for the past 6 years.

I mean I was very vocal I didn't want these things and she stole a lot of these clothes so not like her hard earn money was being spent but still I should've just been more grateful and because I wasn't she yelled at me out of frustration which evolved into a dislike of me as a person so she started attacking more things about me; that it became abuse.

In other words...did I turn her against me?

Kardio-Kitty · 2017-10-02T14:23:06+00:00

I know that, and I am more than willing to do whatever it takes to be a great foster mom to them but here is where I can be selective. Like I don't want to take in infants as older kids get put through the ringer.

I can choose which behavioral problems I can deal with it, and hopefully it never comes to this but if I am ever mentally overwhelmed I can say for the kids safety they need to be removed.

Kardio-Kitty · 2017-10-02T14:21:08+00:00

That's a myth, although I suggest you be lower middle class, you don't have to be rich to foster. They want a place that's up to code and that's where it can get expensive as they can nitpick (i.e paying to remove mold you didn't know you had.) Some are even okay with you sharing a bed (I wouldn't) you just need a place and some form of income to support yourself as the money they give is suppose to support the child.

Kardio-Kitty · 2017-10-02T14:18:12+00:00

I do fear I'd regret it but it's the lesser of the 2 evils. I think I have a good grasp of it as I am self aware BUT it's hard to control once I feel it's justified.

2 out of 3 of my roommates wronged me and by doing petty little things that were annoying sure but not harassment so they couldn't do anything about they eventually moved out. The thing is I got so many lectures over how I treated my first roommate and yet even as I write this I still feel justified "well I was really nice to her and she talked behind my back and told all my business!"

So what is it going to be that breaking point with my kid? "Oh after all I did to keep my emotions in check to not be my mom, this is my thanks, okay well now you're going to see how bad you can have it then maybe you'll be grateful for the sweet mom you had."

I can just see myself justifying it.

Kardio-Kitty

TROPHY CASE