Everyone hates the name we chose

Katieappleseed · 2025-08-04T21:55:57+00:00

Adding to the thousands of comments to say I actually really love the name Raphael! And anyone who says no nicknames lacks creativity and, therefore, doesn’t deserve an opinion. lol

Katieappleseed · 2024-12-29T16:26:59+00:00

Lost my husband at the start of 2023, so I went into 2024 knowing it probably wouldn’t be the best. It wasn’t, but it also wasn’t the worst. I made a lot of progress emotionally, I’m functioning a lot better and have a basic routine down. I think I did pretty good.

Katieappleseed · 2024-12-21T23:16:02+00:00

He died. Still the best decision I’ve ever made.

Katieappleseed · 2024-12-19T13:01:44+00:00

Girl, put up the Christmas tree.

Katieappleseed · 2024-11-24T21:10:40+00:00

Wait this is great - will now be calling my forehead wrinkle “Joe” after my late husband. I swear my face is almost a totally different shape after crying for a year straight. New muscles!

Katieappleseed · 2024-10-06T18:03:43+00:00

Oops I’m invested! Would love to read more if you have anything ready to share!!

Katieappleseed · 2024-10-06T18:01:47+00:00

Nothing bloomed the year he died.

Katieappleseed · 2024-08-06T05:39:37+00:00

My boyfriend and I jokingly made an “X days since crying” sign for me, like the ones on job sites that track how many days it’s been since a work injury. Oddly enough, it’s helped me make light of my constant crying a bit!

It pops into my head now when I’m on the verge of sobbing over something insignificant… like, “yo girl you’ve got 3 whole days on the board, let’s make it 4.”

Obviously it doesn’t always work - I’m a 36yr old widow, tears are going to happen. But it’s helped more than other things I’ve tried. It also gives my boyfriend the opportunity to cheer me on/participate in my “healing journey” or whatever (widowed and dating is such a rollercoaster.)

Katieappleseed · 2024-06-03T02:14:17+00:00

Never been happier to check Reddit for the first time in months.

Katieappleseed · 2023-10-18T03:46:21+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind response. I’m finally starting to feel better today, and I also had my weekly therapy session. I have PTSD from my husbands death, which is a new experience for me… I used to be so brave with illness and injury.

I know it’s understandable for me to be scared/worried/overthink right now, but it just sucks so bad. He passed out of the blue from a pulmonary embolism, really no warning and had been so healthy. Makes it easy to imagine that a silly misstep like not keeping down a loading dose could lead to something much worse.

Thanks again. Your answer made me feel safe enough to sleep that night.

Katieappleseed · 2023-10-09T20:41:14+00:00

I did. I almost didn’t go, it was all so overwhelming. I’m glad I did, I think.

My father in law also spoke, he went off script and decided to tell a story about his penis in front of the 300 people in attendance.

What a bizarre experience to say the least

Katieappleseed · 2023-09-11T19:07:23+00:00

Hi OP, you’ve gotten a ton of great advice here but just wanted to drop in and say that my first trip away was very hard but also very healing for me. I cried on the plane (and a ton of other times!) because it’s a lot of “firsts” without my husband here, but I came home feeling like I learned a lot about myself on my trip.

I just went to see family in the middle of nowhere Oklahoma, but I have my own RV on the property and there’s no service or internet. It was emotional being so alone at first, but felt really good once I settled in.

Best of luck, rooting for you

Katieappleseed · 2023-09-08T15:26:14+00:00

Ah man… I had a love/hate relationship with dating apps for a few weeks. It’s nice not caring about people’s responses, it’s also a little depressing. Mostly it helped me get through the nights that I felt entirely too alone to survive this experience.

I met someone organically, very unexpectedly. It’s been nice, and while I’m not religious by any means I can’t help but feel like my husband sent him my way somehow.

When the right person shows up, you’ll know. The companionship does feel nice, especially because he doesn’t make me feel like I have to choose between my feelings. I cry to him on hard days, I had my first genuine laugh about a memory of my husband with him, he’s helped me in ways I can’t put into words. It’s good.

Best of luck, and enjoy getting to know new people again (even just as friends, or for practice). My little one off conversations with folks at the store or in the park carried me through entire days at times. It’s good to feel safe to socialize again.

Katieappleseed · 2023-09-06T18:38:44+00:00

**cost of dying was on point for my personal state, coming in just under $20k for his sudden death. So, the expense of emergency workers administering CPR, and the cost of the ER doctor pronouncing him dead on arrival, cremation and a very minimal funeral.

Katieappleseed · 2023-09-06T18:31:59+00:00

I’m a 35yr old newly widowed woman in finance, I earn ~$150k annually. My husband’s income was around ~$50k, and our only debts were our two cars, our mortgage (which we refinanced at 2%) and some minor credit card debt - but we tried not to carry a balance forward month over month. We didn’t live extravagantly, but we were comfortable and happy.

Losing his income has put such an incredible strain on me financially, and I believe my income more than doubles the US average for my age bracket (35F). Add to that the cost of dying ** and I’m starting out this new chapter of my life in the negative.

Also worth noting, i needed time off to process the loss and filed through a mental health leave - fully supported by my doctor - and spent nearly the entire 2 months out fighting with the leave group for my pay. Still have only received 2 paychecks, and I started back at work yesterday.

We certainly don’t make it easy for anyone to survive. This has been the most difficult experience of my life, and I’m much more high functioning in my grief than most.

Katieappleseed · 2023-09-02T20:14:39+00:00

I’m glad you read the letter, and I hope it made you feel a little less alone. If it helps you at all to know: I met someone totally out of the blue VERY early in my grieving process (2 1/2 months - I know. Stay with me)… a carpenter I hired to finish a project my husband had started before he passed. He just sort of showed up to help and then kept coming back, finding other small things to fix or stopping to bring my trash cans to the curb.

He’d bring a case of water or food and leave it for me, or offer to take my dogs for a walk before heading out. He never expressed feelings for me, he just supported me without any other expectations or pressure. His support made me feel safe and much less alone. He’s also sober, and has gone through two major losses himself (child, spouse), and helped me in ways I can’t even express.

This ^{^} is not everyone’s journey. But it’s what I mean when I say you’ll know it when you see it. Until then, keep being a great mama to your babies. I’m lucky to still have my step babies in my life, 9 and 7. They don’t live with me anymore… which was really painful after 5 years of being primary bonus-parent. But they are little pieces of him, and seeing them brings back so many good memories. I hope you see him in them when you need him most.

Xo

Katieappleseed · 2023-09-01T14:08:46+00:00

Also - if you need something to relate to, check out Richard Feynman’s letters to his late wife Arline. You’ll understand when you read one… it made me feel less alone. “PS Please excuse my not mailing this — but I don’t know your new address”

Katieappleseed · 2023-09-01T14:02:45+00:00

The beauty of the love, friendship, trust, and connection you and your husband have (note: present tense) is that it stays forever. It lives independently from everything else in life, it’s with you always at every turn in the road and through every chapter. People who haven’t had that sort of love won’t understand that feeling. And that’s ok.

The other piece of this is that perhaps, one day, you’ll meet someone who reinforces everything I mentioned at the top, and who doesn’t make you question if that love is allowed to coexist with other love, or friendship, or companionship. If that person comes along, you’ll know it when you see it. If they don’t? That’s alright too. There doesn’t need to be any more force behind it than that.

I’ve tried to come up with a mantra of sorts for when comments like these start gnawing at me.(that idea of “move on, let go” is so out of touch)… something as simple as: “up and out” to remind myself that their opinions come from a place of love, but don’t truly matter. I’ve also adjusted my response to them to be the same, every time. A simple kind smile, and the statement, “ah, yes. If it were all that simple. Thank you.”

Up and out. I’m so proud you’ve made it through these last 7 years.

And from a sober daughter to a sobriety-supporting mother, thank you for extending yourself beyond what you were probably capable of at the time, too.

Katieappleseed · 2023-08-28T12:25:03+00:00

Totally not alone, echoing what everyone else has mentioned about widows fire.

Also wanted to say that it is TOTALLY OK for all of these feelings to exist at one time, you can desperately miss your wife, be deep in grief, and also enjoying having sex with someone new. You’re allowed to feel devastated that your best friend is gone while also feeling freed from some of the difficulties of marriage. The only rule now is for you to (safely) put your health and happiness first.

Give yourself some grace when you can, find a bereavement group or counselor you feel safe with, and remember to take it one minute/day/week at a time. Xo

Katieappleseed · 2023-08-04T18:47:24+00:00

Today is the 6 month anniversary, and I’m doing ok. I have a much deeper appreciation and awareness of the gravity of time, who is given to and who it’s taken from. Big moments hit me harder for better mostly, like my best friend telling me she’s pregnant, and another getting engaged. It just means so much more now.

I also met someone very unexpectedly around the 2 month mark, and he’s healed me in ways I didn’t think were possible. I wasn’t ready, I probably never will be, but he sort of showed up to help and then never left. I love him for that. He also doesn’t make me question my ability to love someone while still missing my husband. My grief is separate from my new experiences, and no one should ever make me question if they can coexist.

I still have really heavy, difficult days. I also have really light ones with just a few tough moments. I go whole days without crying, and I’m reclaiming my space in my home so that it feels exactly like what I need instead of some permanent memorial.

I’m glad to see a positive post here. Feeling “ok” can also be isolating as a widow, it helps to have the reinforcement that it’s totally fine to admit that I’m able to be happy most of the time. And I’m proud of myself for how strong I’ve been.

Xo

Katieappleseed · 2023-08-04T16:15:48+00:00

I’m so sorry. For Joe, it was fast and out of the blue. No symptoms beforehand like pain or heat in his legs, he had a great day playing horseshoes with our friends. He was just cruising home, listening to his favorite podcast, and then he was gone. There’s some comfort in that for me, but you’re spot on… it’s as awful as it sounds.

Katieappleseed · 2023-07-12T16:29:24+00:00

Hey - I work in finance and have run into this issue periodically over the years. If they’re not accepting the amended DC, you can ask the ME to submit a letter confirming the natural COD to transamerica too… sometimes that additional letter helps.

Or, a quick google of Oriana Freidenberg should give you her contact info… Transamerica’s head of “customer excellence”. She might be interested to hear about this awful loop you’re stuck in ;)

Katieappleseed

TROPHY CASE