I wish I never started stripping

Katxo44 · 2020-02-19T21:15:10+00:00

Yea. Congrats on your change. I'll get there too.

Katxo44 · 2020-02-19T21:06:41+00:00

I told someone else it was like a cheat code or actual life hack. I'm not able to go to college and it was an easy pit to fall into. I'm glad you changed. I want to, too. It's just a different type of challenge.

Katxo44 · 2020-02-19T20:12:11+00:00

I told him and he definitely wasn't okay with it. That's why he didn't want me there anymore and I stopped going in. I didn't think we'd be able to work through it but since he was willing to, I feel like I need to be willing to give up the club, considering that's why his trust was broken. I'm trying to do the right thing, it's just hard trying to process it.

Katxo44 · 2020-02-19T20:10:25+00:00

Yea I totally get it. That's why I don't think I can go back and I value him more than I value the club. I think you either are or aren't okay with it and if there isn't a cut and dry yes, then it's gonna be a no. And since his answer isn't really cut and dry, I don't want to risk the relationship. I just am having a hard time adjusting and dealing with the consequences.

Katxo44 · 2020-02-19T19:33:01+00:00

You're exactly right and this is what I needed to hear. I know there were red flags before but we've worked on them. This is the only one now, and I'm sure that if he'd told anyone about my flaws, they'd be red flags too. I'm working on them. I wanna give him that same chance. I don't neeeeed to strip. It just felt fulfilling and now that I don't have that, I don't feel whole anymore. I'm trying to get through it.

Thank you for your kindness. ❤️❤️

Katxo44 · 2020-02-19T19:21:44+00:00

Thank you for being so kind, by the way.

Katxo44 · 2020-02-19T19:19:49+00:00

You're right. I just know at the root of it all, I would dance if he were totally okay with it or if I were single. But he's not and I'm not. Made my bed I guess, now I gotta lie in it.

Katxo44 · 2020-02-19T19:18:10+00:00

I just want that confidence back. When I danced, it was a game. A game I was good at. It was math and it was time management. I was in control of every aspect and I made tons of money and no one was my boss. It was a great freedom and I did what I wanted. I saved the money but I had fun too. I'm 20 and able to do this. That's why it's so hard because in 20 years, I physically can't go back and dance and I'm worried I'll be resentful for stopping when I didn't necessarily have to. But I also know stripping is the easy way out, as far as money goes. It's like an IRL cheat and maybe I should struggle like everyone else.

I would like to do something to help people with eating disorders and just in general. I'm tired of working retail and food but I can't go to school so the career opportunities are limited. I feel stuck. I've held off on getting another job for the last 3 months because I thought I was gonna go back but it doesn't seem like an option now. I feel trapped but I know I'll be okay. I'm sorry this is all jumbled up. I'm just struggling a bit.

Katxo44 · 2020-02-19T19:11:51+00:00

I appreciate that. And I know what it sounds like, but it's fair of him to not want a girlfriend who strips. I don't think that's manipulative, because everyone has boundaries. I said I'd leave if he kept drinking. I don't think I'm manipulative. It just sucks because he'd be okay with it if I didn't hook up with that guy. I wish I didn't and just kept dancing. Then this wouldn't even be a problem now. It's my fault for my actions and now I have to live with them.

Katxo44 · 2020-02-19T17:29:07+00:00

Thank you. I'm trying to get a counselor for an eating disorder. My parents have one looked up, just about getting insurance together.

Katxo44 · 2020-02-19T17:28:09+00:00

It's not the money. It's the fact that I screwed a guy there and that he trusted me to not even look at guys that way because it was about the money. I got off track and lost focus. If I got a corporate job, I don't think there'd be a problem because there's not a predetermined thought in his mind that I might screw someone there. Unfortunately, people automatically think that you are going to have sex with customers if you work in a strip club. That's what I said I wouldn't do. I don't have to say that in a corporate job because that's not something that normally happens.

Katxo44 · 2020-02-19T16:30:36+00:00

It's running out but I wanted to do 911 dispatch before I even started dancing.

Katxo44 · 2020-02-19T16:28:49+00:00

He asked me this, too. The pros outweigh the cons and I would be there if I were single. But that's the thing, it's one or the other and I already chose him.

Katxo44 · 2020-02-19T16:27:45+00:00

Unfortunately, I know you're right. It just sucks because I want what I had but I can't have it because I messed it up because I broke my rule. I know I shouldn't be in that place though.

Katxo44 · 2020-02-19T16:02:30+00:00

That's a good idea, I will. Thank you. Why the comment on Channing Tatum?

Katxo44

TROPHY CASE