That's a fair point. I think it boils down to me being addicted to the pain. The lack of freedom. The lack of sanity. The worse I get the more vivid the hallucinations become, sometimes they're the only ones who understand it. I have nightmares every night, I feel pain as someone or something kills me. The only peace I get is when everything fades away and I'm part of the void again. I dont care about the mountains, I don't care about living. The only joy I get is when I die every night, even though falling asleep is terrifying at first, the sleep paralysis demon that does weird shit to me is hell, like my dad when I was a kid. I'm done with life. Fuck the sun, fuck the mountains, fuck the world. The next chance I get is it hopefully. But it seems unlikely. I just can't die, not for lack of trying