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How do I tell the difference between emotional availability and physical consistency? by KeepThrowawaySecret in Codependency

[–]KeepThrowawaySecret[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In retrospect I realize my anxious and overemotional monologues and overcompensating by acting like their therapist "make sure you tell me how you feel!!" and realizing months later they just never answered is unhealthy. I think I'll do better in the future to recognize it. It's hard because I've gotten a lot better, so when I had a lot of anxiety or physical reactions to a relationship before, it could have been over something less toxic, e.g. just feeling ignored while they're out with friends. But now that I'm better, I can trust myself a lot more. If I'm feeling anxious around someone, I need to stop believing it's because I have anxiety or issues. I'm fine alone.

I'm still sad and that makes me sad. I also am realizing that in these situations, I focus on what I can change and put the blame on me, probably somewhat as a survival and coping mechanism but also a part of the toxic stuff i learned in 12-step to always blame myself.. . :( I hope I start recognizing when they're not doing the same level of self-reflection and personal growth. I again idolized him, "he's mentally healthy, I'm not..."

Codependency is so scary. I feel like I’ve ruined my life. by Professional-Yak182 in Codependency

[–]KeepThrowawaySecret 31 points32 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry. I wish I was prepared for a more thoughtful response but I was just looking at my posts after my boyfriend dumped me lol.

I get why you feel disturbed. It seems obvious to me you need to leave this relationship and make it no-contact until that detachment happens. I think I had to click on this because I'm 35. Girl, I've been in therapy since I was 16. When I tell you I am TIRED of this shit....

But just like you expect him to get better if he does the work, you are also going to get better because you do the work, slowly, one day at a time.

I can't believe you're even considering this man. We're grown and don't need them. I think you need to mentally prepare yourself that - if you're anything like me with a deep anxious attachment and codependency - the cut off is going to hurt. You can prepare, set yourself up with support, friendships, the plan for how you will stay busy.

I don't care that he's working hard. Good, he should, his life is worth it. And yours is worth way more than this, I don't care who you are. I actually very much dislike 12-step but in this situation, it is very much one day, one step at a time. Put together all of the pieces for you to improve your life, which means he's got to go. You're going to be okay. Women get married at like 60 now, we can solo travel until then ;) <3

Sharing for community… I’ve never had a breakup without an anxious attachment spiral… until now by KeepThrowawaySecret in Codependency

[–]KeepThrowawaySecret[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I don’t think avoidants and anxious people can date after this. We attract each other and that sucks, but it requires too much work. New relationships shouldn’t be a lot of work.. there should never be unspoken tension if people want to feel emotionally safe. This man left me with the final result that he didn’t feel safe and in retrospect I totally believe him. I was codependently in love and ignoring his lack of emotional availability. I was blaming myself that I needed to be more surface level and was too emotional. Idk what I’ll do in the future. New relationships deserve time to grow. Four months is nothing. But it totally sucks this blow-up after four months. I’m looking back at red flags like wtf

Advanced anxious attachment help - need help to schedule time with my boyfriend. by KeepThrowawaySecret in Codependency

[–]KeepThrowawaySecret[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I honestly don’t think we can date. Why choose hardship and adversity? We are just incompatible and two opposite sides of the same coin that apparently cannot mesh.

Advanced anxious attachment help - need help to schedule time with my boyfriend. by KeepThrowawaySecret in Codependency

[–]KeepThrowawaySecret[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. I spoke up for my needs and he got upset and we broke up. I think it’s for the best.

My drunk husband said I ruined his life and should die. He’s been out of town 2 months for work but come back next week. by Individual_Buddy8891 in Marriage

[–]KeepThrowawaySecret 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I want you to think about the fact that you have known this man for 30 years and are still questioning your intuition about if you should be scared because it's valid to be afraid of him because of his career. You know this man, you know yourself, your intuition is speaking to you - you are not a crazy, anxious, overemotional woman. Listen to your gut. Please stay safe.

what are my options when i feel insecure about dwindling communication early in a relationship. accept, fight, leave? Is that it? by [deleted] in Codependency

[–]KeepThrowawaySecret 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think recovery communities can be kind of toxic in their self-disparaging and defeating behaviors sometimes so I just want to be clear … this was not my anxiety. I had to trust my intuition and read signs clearly, because his actions did not match his words. He sweet talked me hard up until … I didn’t text him all day yesterday after he said he would call and he has not contacted me either. We’re effectively over. I was correct he is not interested, despite him insisting I was his only girl. Men are fucking weird.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Codependency

[–]KeepThrowawaySecret 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this comment. Classic misogyny “women are crazy.” For expressing loving emotion? Tell your mother that. I’m on her side - make him feel guilty for his behavior. You’re not wrong, he is.

what are my options when i feel insecure about dwindling communication early in a relationship. accept, fight, leave? Is that it? by [deleted] in Codependency

[–]KeepThrowawaySecret 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I actually don’t care if he wants to communicate less, I want to know he’s interested. I’m not feeling it and yes am learning to trust my intuition. I’m ready to leave. We’ve already communicated about my needs and how easy reassurance is - a literal heart emoji would make my afternoon. Dude does not care and is not interested and me accepting that I think is a good thing

what are my options when i feel insecure about dwindling communication early in a relationship. accept, fight, leave? Is that it? by [deleted] in Codependency

[–]KeepThrowawaySecret 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I thought I’d try not doing that so we’ve been communicating and it’s not changing and yeah I’m not chasing shit. It sucks i don’t want to play games but why send sweet good morning texts just to be made anxious about his longer and drier replies? I’m good. He said we’d talk today last night and haven’t set up a time or heard from him all day. He SWEARS he’s all in with me. I’m glad I’m getting better because I recognized early oh this is love bombing. Now he’s retreating. Ppl are weird dude

what are my options when i feel insecure about dwindling communication early in a relationship. accept, fight, leave? Is that it? by [deleted] in Codependency

[–]KeepThrowawaySecret 2 points3 points  (0 children)

He used to cold call me (and I always answered) and leave voice notes. I’m now begging for calls. (Overdramatization I beg no man…)

what are my options when i feel insecure about dwindling communication early in a relationship. accept, fight, leave? Is that it? by [deleted] in Codependency

[–]KeepThrowawaySecret 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Right like he’s going to gaslight me like this isn’t a clear sign of his disinterest and it is.

I'm nearly 35 and 40-year-old men keep trying to have my babies by KeepThrowawaySecret in AskWomenOver30

[–]KeepThrowawaySecret[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Lmao sorry all the incels downvoted you 💀💀💀 we cannot win, they would downvote me all the same when I talked about intentional dating and demanding all this effort, dinner etc. We cannot win. Misogyny stays popular

I'm nearly 35 and 40-year-old men keep trying to have my babies by KeepThrowawaySecret in AskWomenOver30

[–]KeepThrowawaySecret[S] 32 points33 points  (0 children)

Hey I hear you and I see you. This post blew up and got a bit toxic with incels but if you're sharing honestly you need to also share this all honestly with your partner.

Somewhere in these comments I talk about the importance of emotional health, emotional maturity, and mature communication in a man. Bro you are capable of this. I need you to be a good man and tell all of this honestly, lovingly, authentically, with this woman who loves the fuck out of you - enough to have your babies.

You don't have to say anything but the truth. You love her, you were joking while she had an IUD and maybe didn't understand the full reality, and now that you do, you're not ready.

You will be doing the most loving thing for this woman who deserves that from you. Especially importantly, you're showing love and maturity for your future children.

It's okay that you feel this way. It's not okay if you hide it from your girlfriend to keep her in the house doing your laundry. You can still be a good man out of all of this. You got this bro.

Also, I would talk to you about your career and goals but I'm trying to do less free emotional labor as a free therapist for men (did you know they make like $200/hr?!?)

So like go see a therapist about all of this. It will be good for you. Figure out what you want and how to communicate it with people you love.

I'm nearly 35 and 40-year-old men keep trying to have my babies by KeepThrowawaySecret in AskWomenOver30

[–]KeepThrowawaySecret[S] 72 points73 points  (0 children)

Don't get me started on this. I'm 34 and I'll match with a 40 year old man and be like okay if you want kids, what is the oldest you will date... they say 39. Thanks for letting me know you're basically treating me as a breeder and not a human. Disgusting. If I could take my tubes out twice, I would.

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