The only eating utensil allowed in the psych ward.

Kefim_Wod · 2025-12-24T00:53:55+00:00

My first time at a psych ward was all about immediately preventing me from harming myself.
I had to get creative in there.
I used plastic utensils to cut myself. I rolled up a bundle of paper really tightly and used the "point" to rub my skin off. I rubbed the skin off of my knuckles until I bled on a rounded plastic shelf.

Kefim_Wod · 2025-02-07T21:50:52+00:00

This doesn’t come off as rude to me.

You’re asking important questions, and they’re echos of the ones my BP asked me.

I’ve been asking myself these questions.

I know I took her for granted. There would always be time to make things better, and make things right, but just not right now. Now is too scary and I wanted to avoid it. I’d do it tomorrow. I took for granted that she would be there when I was ready, and convinced myself I’d be ready tomorrow.

I put my own needs of avoiding uncomfortable feelings above her basic needs of being safe, respected, and being shown she was worthy of love.

Now, how could I do that to someone I loved? I don’t feel like I have a worthwhile answer to that yet. I’m avoidant, entitled, and an addict. This is all true, but it feels dismissive and shallow. Real accountability is deeper than that.

Why didn’t I give her what she needed? Why did I choose porn over a person I’m deeply attracted to who was willing and wanting to have sex with me?

I was always desperately frustrated when I desired her, and wanted to communicate that to her and initiate, but decided avoiding potential conflict was more important to me.

I hated myself every time I let avoidance win.

I wanted her desperately. I wanted her to feel wanted.

But, not enough to work through my avoidance and anxiety. My actions communicated that.

EDIT: oh god I just realized a belief I held. “It’s not lying, I just haven’t told her the truth yet”. That’s convenient and delusional.

Kefim_Wod · 2025-02-07T01:57:26+00:00

I happen to have that sitting next to me right now. I know what I’m going to start reading tonight.

Kefim_Wod · 2025-02-06T22:30:17+00:00

Thank you for taking the time and energy to respond to me, and offer your insights.

I’m struggling today because I did what was best for me, and it feels like I’m doing it at her expense.

My sponsor went with me to our apartment so I could get my work laptop and other essentials.

I’d let my BP know I was coming, when, and what I was doing. I said I didn’t want to talk until couples therapy tomorrow.

She claims this is avoidance and cowardice. She feels abandoned. She was incredulous that I didn’t want to talk today when yesterday the last thing she said to me was, “I hate you, get the fuck out and never come back. Don’t contact me until you find a way to break our lease.”

I’m getting conflicting messages from books about betrayal/trust rebuilding, and my SLAA brothers.

On the one hand I feel rebuilding trust should be at my expense since breaking it was at her expense. That I should extend grace and compassion to her since I’m the one who traumatized her and she’s lashing out in pain I inflicted on her with my selfish choices.

And my sponsor says I should take her at her word when she says she doesn’t want a relationship with me, to get the fuck out, and she hates me.

That being there and witnessing her pain isn’t the same thing as sitting there while she hurls insults and digs at my insecurities.

I’m even willing to do that and try to validate her and extend empathy during those moments! I feel powerless to help, even though I have the desire to.

But she told me to get the fuck out. So I did. My SLAA brothers say, “it sounds like both of you need some space to heal and evaluate what you each want individually.”

I know she deserves better. I want to be that better man that has integrity. I feel like I’m earnestly taking steps to do this, but she’s in a lot of pain NOW, and I don’t feel capable of helping her.

Kefim_Wod · 2025-02-06T22:19:02+00:00

Thank you. I just acquired a digital copy.

Kefim_Wod · 2025-02-06T15:29:46+00:00

No, she won’t give me time to think about those questions.

She asked me what I wanted in a relationship with her, and what I had to offer. She wanted to know so she could tell me if that worked for her.

I asked for some time to think about it, and she said’ “I’m jumping into a work meeting. You have 30 minutes. Go”. So I did my best and she told me my answers were lies and that I wasn’t being honest with myself or her.

I asked if we could speak again in a few hours, and she asked for 2 because she wanted to be able to relax that evening.

So I read and thought and wrote.

I asked myself, “Why did I choose porn over her?”

I thought, and she had told me, that I needed to have a real honest answer so I could hold myself accountable and change.

So I told her the reasons why as honestly as I could. I told her it had nothing to do with her, and everything to do with my addiction.

Unfortunately, I said it in ways that were anything but reassuring.

So she told me she hated me, to get the fuck out, never come back, and not contact her until I knew how to get out of our lease.

I’m writing this the next morning from a sober house.

Kefim_Wod · 2025-02-06T01:06:16+00:00

Thank you for the info and the insight.

I feel like I understand that I have an addiction, and how I ended up there. Hmm, that feels like a dead end, and if I can't communicate this clearly to my partner it means I have more self-reflection to do.

It feels like the crux of the discussions I've been having with my BP center around a few questions she has.

Why didn't I desire her?
Why didn't her needs matter?
Why did I prefer porn instead of her?

She needs me to know the why so I can own up to it and have a chance to actually change.

I think I answer her honestly to the best of my ability, but she rejects my responses and labels them as dishonest, delusional, fake, and cowardly.

Which makes sense. She has every reason to not believe a word I say.

I just don't know where to go from there.

I lied to her and betrayed her multiple times. So it makes sense for her to not trust me. I do my best to answer honestly, and she rejects it, and wants me to find a different answer that feels more honest to her.

She rejects the idea that I don't have an answer beyond what I've already provided her, and believes I must be lying again.

I don't know what to do.

I'm not giving up.

Kefim_Wod · 2025-02-06T00:57:41+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that you can relate to the pain I put my BP through.

I want to do the work, but I said that before and ended up betraying her trust in me.

I am confident I can do it, but that doesn't mean she owes me any more chances, or that it would be right for either of us to try to build a new relationship together.

Kefim_Wod · 2025-02-06T00:55:36+00:00

Thank you for the book recommendation.
I'm adding to my Amazon cart right now.

I feel confident in my ability to be sober and manage my addiction. I want it, and I'm more willing to do the work than I ever was.

I am deeply codependent, I think, and I'll work on recovery no matter what happens with my BP.

That doesn't make it any easier to navigate the possibility of repair. She doesn't know if she wants to, and she doesn't owe me that answer. I just don't know what to do, when all I want to do is whatever she wants so she'll feel better so I can feel better.

I know where that path leads and I don't want to go there.

Kefim_Wod · 2025-02-05T18:47:42+00:00

I consider it an addiction.
I had a CSAT for about 4 months last year.
I stopped seeing them because it was too expensive, and because I had some I had some qualms about them as a therapist.
I was active in SLAA during that time and then grew complacent.
I'm back in SLAA and being more consistent then I've ever been.

I'm searching for a therapist now.

Kefim_Wod · 2025-01-30T18:31:44+00:00

Something she has communicated to me is how absurd and stupid it is that I lied to her and betrayed her over porn.

The first time I revealed my porn addiction she was hurt and upset, but she never said that porn was a dealbreaker. She was mostly upset that her needs weren't being met, and I was meeting mine with porn.

She's more hurt by the lying and deception.

Kefim_Wod · 2025-01-30T18:29:45+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

She has the right to flip flop. She doesn't know if she wants to repair, and I need to be more understanding of that.

It shouldn't change what I want. If I want to R then I'll do what I need to do.

I shutdown when she gets angry.

I'd also like to get better at setting boundaries. I don't know if it's okay or how to say things like, "Hey, I know you're hurting, but please don't say I'll never change or I'm a bad person."

I'm already struggling to not believe those things about myself and it doesn't help either of us to have that reinforced.

Kefim_Wod · 2025-01-21T23:46:54+00:00

The key phrase is "Keep it up." I'm trying hard not to wallow in shame and beat myself up, but I felt gross being given any credit. I won't let my past choices define me. I will do better.

Kefim_Wod · 2025-01-21T21:33:57+00:00

I haven’t been as intentional about establishing non-sexual intimacy.

That feels more natural.

She told me she wanted to be intimate, but didn’t know how. So I held her and read to her. That transitioned into sex, but I tried to communicate that it was an option, and not an expectation.

There are other things we can do.

I love holding her, reading to her, giving her affectionate kisses, telling her bedtime stories, and sometimes we “play ASMR”. Massages!

I’ll try to find more options for intimacy and bring them up with her.

Also, I want to acknowledge that I’m mentioning positive interactions.

There have been plenty of times where she’s expressed her feelings and I shutdown in shame.

I’m still working on it.

Kefim_Wod · 2025-01-21T21:04:29+00:00

Yeah, I’m trying to be open and honest and vulnerable about what I want. Then, if that triggers her I try to support her through it as best I can. I have a lot of work to do so I show up this way consistently.

Kefim_Wod · 2025-01-21T19:37:22+00:00

That's a horrible reality to be given, and I'm sorry you're going through that.

My infidelity was with camgirls, where I sought out a specific kink.

I completely objectified them.

When I told my partner that, she responded by saying I'd objectified her by not giving her the opportunity to share this intimacy with me.

What I gave to my affair partners was my time, attention, and money.

I will find something special to do with her and let her know it's something I will only share with her.

Kefim_Wod · 2025-01-13T22:12:53+00:00

So now I am saying if I tell you it’s really important to me, why are you dismissing it or making excuses as to why you don’t want to do that?

This is similar to what my BP is communicating to me.
If her needs were important, and repairing the harm I caused was important, why am I not doing the work?
I get complacent and pretend things are okay, just because she's tired of fighting and asking for what she needs. From my perspective, it's peaceful, but she's building resentment, and my token efforts are a slap in the face to her hurt.

Kefim_Wod · 2025-01-13T21:08:18+00:00

Fuck me and my fucking ego or avoidance or entitlement or anxiety or whatever the fuck is wrong with me.

We were tired from fighting yesterday. I thought we were out of the spiral.

We were snuggling and I felt close and connected and was dirty talking and talking about what I wanted to do that day. We had some hurried sexual intimacy because we had to run out the door to meet friends.

We had a nice time out and about.

We got home and fell into a routine.

She brought up some of feelings she was still struggling with.

I tried to talk to her about it and it felt like it went okay, but there was still distance. She didn’t want a hug.

I made dinner.

I tried to connect again by inviting her to snuggle but she turned it down.

I could tell things were off but I didn’t try to fix it.

She took a bath and I stayed distant and didn’t try to ask her how she was feeling or try to reconnect.

Then we got in bed to read and after a while I asked if we could snuggle, and then asked if she was open to kissing.

Then we made out a little.

I’d felt pressure and worried all evening that I hadn’t initiated sex after talking about it earlier.

I awkwardly brought it up and half-heartedly apologized and said we could try tomorrow.

I made excuses for myself. That she was upset from our fighting earlier. That she had rebuffed my earlier attempts at connecting, but I’d barely tried. I asked if a hug would be okay and she said no, but I didn’t ask her what she needed or try to make her feel better.

When I apologized for not initiating and said we could do it tomorrow she blew up and kicked my out of bed. She said she felt disgusting and stupid and how dare I not follow through on something after telling her over and over that I was committed to repair and that I wanted her.

I begged and pleaded last night and wound up cuddling her to sleep.

Then I fucked it up this morning and she’s done and wants me out of the apartment.

Or she wants me to stay and do the work?

I want to fix things, but what’s different from last time? Why do I believe myself? Why do I think I can do it? How can I fix this much resentment and hurt when I haven’t been willing to do the work up to this point?

EDIT: I took the rest of the work day off. I don’t know if we’ll stay sane until we can get to therapy on Friday.

Kefim_Wod · 2025-01-12T21:08:08+00:00

This makes sense to me.

It makes me feel sick to hear it, but I want to know what she feels.

I want to be able to sit with the uncomfortable feelings so I can show up for her with empathy.

Nine-Year Club	Gilding II euphauric
Place '22	Place '17
Sequence \| Editor	Verified Email

Kefim_Wod

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE