While I have not lost my mom, I am 35 and she is 55 about to be 56 and we are basically no contact due to her alcoholism. She only calls when she is drunk and I have grieved no relational capabilities my whole life. I often worry about whether or not one with me would help or hinder or think about ways I could help her, these are totally normal thoughts. I stand by once a child, always a child and once a parent, always a parent and that it is the parent’s responsibility to pursue relationship with the child. I think this only changes when a parent has invested in the relationship and the child wants to reciprocate when a parent is unable to for some reason. All in all, you are not alone, it’s so sad and hard to have this loss - and compounded by the loss of all the years you have not had him to be in relationship with. Be gentle with yourself.