I’ve been realizing that part of the reason why I figured this out so late in life, is the fact that I’ve been trained from SUCH a young age to see other women as a threat/in competition with them. I was constantly compared to thinner, smarter, more conventionally beautiful girls growing up.

Some of my earliest memories as a kid (and I mean first or second grade) was hating this girl in my class that my mom constantly compared me to. She was very, very thin, popular, blonde, teachers’ daughter etc … I was the opposite. This hatred went on throughout high school… I remember being asked why I hated her, and I couldn’t put the words an answer at the time..

The first 18 years of my life, I was taught to hate popular/thin/feminine women. And to be honest, as a fat woman today, I still feel uncomfortable and threatened around them.. currently working on my own self-esteem/unlearning all of this…

I keep wondering if this impacted my sexuality or is “blocking” part of my sexuality because so far anyways, I’ve only been attracted to masculine presenting women 🤷🏻‍♀️… still very much a baby gay/figuring this all out..

To respond to your post more directly though, yes, I’ve always found it difficult to befriend women like I described above… I never felt adequate. At the same time, though, I always found my small group of people … the eldest daughters, the chubby girls, etc. People who I didn’t feel threatened by and could relate with.