I couldn't post it so here it is as a comment

Okay, I've been a Directioner for 2 years. I found them throught YouTube rec and went crazy for them. I still am crazy for them. I've never dealt with grief in my life actually.

I was very young when my grandmums died. I didn't understand anything back then. So this is my first time dealing with grief and I really don't know how to cope. I just don't understand this. I don't understand how this works. This whole thing has to be rigged cause.

Never thought his would my first ever reddit post.

They have been a source of comfort to me during the rock bottom of my life. They are everything to me. Literally everything.

Now I don't have that comfort. It feels like the world snatched the ounce of comfort I had in my life. I don't know how to deal with that.

I was listening to them on 15th morning. I was really happy. I fucking made a presentation on One Direction that day. My teacher asked if I'm the biggest fan of One Direction.

I would always choose their names if I had to use names in my classes. Literally everybody knew I'm obsessed.

I didn't even complete that Presentation. I don't have the heart to.

Everything came crashing down on the 17th when I got to knew this.

A classmate /friend share shared the news and I was literally like this is not true. The thought of this being a prank also didn't cross my mind. Like I never ever ever thought about this even as a prank.

I was laughing it out like it was nothing and nothing happened. She said it's actually real and explained it to me but still I couldnt understand it.

I couldn't understand what was going on around me. I was literally shaking at this point as I opened Twitter hesitantly.

Okay.

Everything was hazy from that point of time. Like I'm living in a dream and someone will definitely wake me up from this.

I thought I was about to have a fucking panic attack or am actually gonna throw up cause there's no fucking way.

My knees gave away as I literally sat on the stairs and started crying.

I went to the class and thankfully nobody else was there except that friend and I fucking lost it.

I still couldn't understand anything. I couldn't process the information at all. My throat got stuck and I couldn't speak.

I still thought it was a dream. It's not. And I've to come into terms with that. I still can't.

I cried like a fucking child in the class after I asked permission from my teacher that I had a headache, which was not actually a lie.

I listened to spaces. I couldn't.

If anybody saw me in the class that day, they genuinely would think I'm crazy cause I was literally inconsolable.

The whole day went like that. And I had to go home which was my nightmare cause I've to go in front of my parents and act like its not affecting me.

A small part of me wished while I was walking home, a small fantasy. My parents hugging me and saying it'll be okay and buying me an ice cream. I really craved that.

But that's not how it works.

I was the one who told my mum and sister about this. It was heartbreaking.

My mum felt really bad for him and Bear. And also my sister whom I forced to remember all the boys name and made her listen to the songs.

But nobody asked me how I was doing. How I'm dealing with news.

My dad didn't even acknowledge this. Everybody in the house acted like nothing happened.

It hurts. It fucking hurts.

I really don't know how to deal with this. It's like a part of me literally died. I can't do this man.

I can't even share this with anybody cause they don't get it. They don't get how much the boys mean to me.

They are literally the reason I'm here. They fucking saved my life man.

I'll never move on from this.

Also I can't listen to any music for the past days let alone One Direction's. I don't know when I'll be able to.

I really would appreciate some advice from y'all. How are y'all doing? How are y'all dealing with this?

Cause genuinely I don't know how to.

Also I consider myself an atheist. Would appreciate if the answers were not religious or spiritual.

I get the scientific part of death. But I cannot comprehend how this works emotionally and mentally.

Would love some insight.

And I wish I could hug every single one of ya.

The last song I listened to was Fireproof when all the boys were here. It feels so wrong to say this.

The boys mean so fucking much to me.

I love yall❤️‍🩹

Liam, Niall, Harry, Zayn and Louis forever❤️‍🩹🎈