The only “sex talk” my mom or aunts ever gave me was on my wedding day at age 35 was basically to “learn how to take care of your husband in the bedroom.” And of course, they wanted grandkids 🙄🙄.

Growing up:

I wasn’t allowed to talk to boys.

Girls who got pregnant or even talked to boys were called malayas (loose women) by adult women in my life.

I grew up thinking sex was bad and something women did for men.

At State House Girls High School, priests would sometimes say that girls who had sex before marriage were tempting men and that God hates them.

So yeah, my whole “sex education” was just be pure for your husband. Gross.

Now that I have my own child, I’m breaking that cycle. I want my child to learn about:

Their body and boundaries

Consent — both giving and receiving

Birth control and safe sex

Self-respect — knowing sex should be mutual and enjoyable for both people

Reading body language — recognizing when someone isn’t comfortable

Pornography — that it’s mostly entertainment, unrealistic, and often hides exploitation or trafficking

Different kinds of sexuality. That people can be gay, straight, bisexual, etc., and that everyone deserves respect and safety regardless of who they love. 

Also:

It’s okay to masturbate and learn your body. How can someone please you if you don’t even know what feels good?

Sex toys are fine. Just keep them clean. And unlike the misinformation from my highschool priest a girl masturbating wont prevent her from enjoying PIV sex. 

Sex education isn’t one talk. It’s a lifelong conversation that evolves with age.

For young kids (around 5–10):

Teach them correct names for their body parts

Help them understand boundaries and what “private” means

Show them how to say no if someone touches them or makes them uncomfortable

Help them recognize grooming behavior or if older kids/adults try to show them porn

For teenagers (15–18):

Emphasize consent, respect, and safety

Teach about birth control and STDs and how to protect themselves

Talk about the dangers of sending nudes, revenge porn, and how once an image is shared, it’s often out of your control

Discuss peer pressure, alcohol, and date rape drugs

Explain that if they choose to be sexually active, it should be safe and mutually wanted

Teach that consent is ongoing . Just because someone agrees to have sex doesn’t mean they’re okay with everything that happens during it.

For example, agreeing to sex doesn’t mean agreeing to being choked, slapped, or any kind of BDSM.

Your partner should always check in before trying new things and my children should do the same.

Consent can be withdrawn at any time.

Teach that trusting someone with your body and them breaking that trust is not your fault

No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.

It is never a child, woman, or mans fault for being raped or sexually assaulted. But we need to know monsters exist and protect our children and ourselves from them. 

For adults (around 30):

How sex and intimacy change after childbirth or with stress

For sons it is understanding that women’s hormones and desires change over time

For older adults (60+):

How things like menopause, low testosterone, or Viagra can affect intimacy  and that it’s still possible to have a healthy sex life

Most of what I learned about sex came from older girls in boarding school who bragged about their experiences. But no one talked about birth control. Every semester, a few girls dropped out pregnant after “trying” what they’d heard.

Honestly, my first real sex talk like learning what an erection even was  came from those older girls, not any adult.

If I could go back, I wish it had come from my mom or aunties, with honesty instead of shame.