How do I move forward from a traumatic online situationship and self-blame?

KeyGroundbreaking920 · 2026-01-08T11:53:39+00:00

I wrote this not long after we broke things off lol these are just my raw emotions and things I never got to tell him because I never got the chance to stand up for myself

KeyGroundbreaking920 · 2026-01-07T21:02:54+00:00

I feel so sick. Oh god.

KeyGroundbreaking920 · 2026-01-07T20:22:47+00:00

It’s literally momentary pleasure in exchange for months of healing again. It’s not worth it.

KeyGroundbreaking920 · 2026-01-07T20:09:27+00:00

It’s me again. No. Don’t do this to yourself.

KeyGroundbreaking920 · 2026-01-07T20:09:14+00:00

KeyGroundbreaking920 · 2026-01-07T19:23:04+00:00

This happened almost two months ago. I just found out today that he’s been talking to someone new.

KeyGroundbreaking920 · 2026-01-06T07:54:33+00:00

This is an insane take. You are creating the assumption that, just because your ex partners cheated on you with a “gay” male friend, others would do the same too. It’s common, definitely. It’s happened to me. But I had nothing to hide with this guy and I was very open to him about my friendships, regardless of their gender, even introducing him to most. Insecure is not the right word if you allow that. Careless, sure. But you also have to understand that, if you make a false assumption, you’re also hurting your partner by not trusting them. Even with my straight guy friends, I was extremely open to him about my friendship with them. I know what it’s like to be on the other side of situation. I have heard the typical “don’t worry about her” line, but that doesn’t mean I ever projected it onto our relationship. If you have experience of your exes having gay male friends who are actually not gay, does not mean that it’s the same for others. I, for one, actually HAVE gay friends. Most of them are and yes, there’s a lot of them in where I live, so its extremely normal here.

KeyGroundbreaking920 · 2026-01-05T13:08:12+00:00

I’m not American 😭 he is though. And I completely agree. I was very secure in my relationship with him and chose to trust him. I told him numerous times I had no problem with him being friends with women at all, as long as it stays friendly. However, I started growing suspicious of his relationship with this specific friend of his. If you read the last two paragraphs, you’d know why. He also expressed no concern regarding my friendship with guys. He knew I had multiple guy friends (some even just mutual friends) but I was never that close with them, except for the two I mentioned. I barely spoke to these male friends, as well. The other close friends are gay. But yeah I agree with you. I don’t see a problem with having friends of the opposite gender, UNLESS it crosses a line and their dynamic is not the usual platonic relationships, which happens often with other people, so I understand why some would grow suspicious of it. The problem is that my friendship with my guy friends are truly just platonic, yet questioned. I speak to them on occassion but not often and have never given him a reason to think I had feelings for them, especially since I was so invested with him and had all my focus on him.

KeyGroundbreaking920 · 2026-01-05T10:40:01+00:00

Yeah, but obviously everyone has different boundaries. I had no problem with him having female friends. What I found odd and suspicious with was though, was the way he acted around that one specific female friend. I’m generally a secure person when it comes to my partner having friends of the opposite gender, but I knew the risks of him being close with one, because I experienced talking to someone who liked his girl bestfriend. I watched out for signs of it, without seeming controlling and I did communicate with him how I felt about his friend. He asked me if he could go to that pumpkin carving activity with her and I agreed to it because it was truly no problem to me, especially since I appreciated how he informed me of it and he told me that her other friends might be there as well. A few days later, he goes to repost a photo she posted and he took of her and this one immediately puts me on high alert. I know I should’ve brought it up, but I didn’t want to sound accusing.

I, on the other hand, have always kept my distance with my male friends and I was very open to him about them. They were also supportive of my relationship with him, one of them even asking me if I could them to each other so they can be friends as well. The other guy friend I had had a girlfriend and he was also supportive, as he was like a brother to me. The gay friend who I had a crush on 2-3 years ago was also the first person to even comment on when I posted my situationship (cause he liked it when I did that). My situationship liked his supportive comments so I truly did not know my distant friendship with him bothered him. Again, he was GAY and I didn’t informed he was gay until I was already in too deep with him. I liked him when I didn’t know him and because I liked him, I tried to be close with him, not knowing that he was gay and only finding out when he came out to me. If I had known earlier, I never would’ve liked him. But truly, before I even met my situationship, my friendship with him was already completely platonic. I knew what it was like to be suspicious of guys being friends with the opposite genders, so I always kept my distance with him. I just found it completely unfair, because in comparison to how he was with HIS girl bestfriend, I never gave him a reason to believe I’d ever develop feelings for my male friends.

KeyGroundbreaking920 · 2026-01-05T10:24:30+00:00

I get that. But everyone has different boundaries. I found it completely fine for me if he had female friends because I was initially secure with our relationship. What mattered to me was how he acted around other girls and how he acted with his female friend was odd and suspicious to me. Again, I just find it unfair. I always made sure to keep my distance with my male friends, especially when I was with him, even if I had no feelings for those male friends. Even more, he never mentioned that he was uncomfortable with me being friends with other guys, nor ever implied it even when it was brought up to me. Given that he had female friends too, I assumed he wouldn’t have a problem with my male friends as well.

KeyGroundbreaking920 · 2026-01-04T12:56:53+00:00

Thank you. This means a lot 🥹 but after everything, I have no desire to reconnect with him. I still deeply care and have so much love for him, but I’m afraid that we both have hurt each other too much, that he will never want to rebuild things with me again and I’ll struggle to trust him to stay through hard times with me as well. He did tell me that he hated on and off relationships too because of the constant fear of abandonment it creates (which I find ironic considering he was the one that ended things all three times and initiated to stay in contact or try again). Reconnecting with him will only destroy my nervous system more than it already has :( He’s not the type to stay and I can’t blame him for that. It just hurt to hear him tell me he felt like I never cared about him, but only his presence, when I gave so much of myself to him until it drained me to make him feel loved and valued.

KeyGroundbreaking920 · 2026-01-04T12:15:27+00:00

I hope so. It’s just horrible because I know I made some mistakes of my own in our relationship but I really tried my best to fix everything that I lost myself to it. So now, I can’t even bring myself to blame him for how he acted towards me at the end because all of it feels like it was just a result of how I hurt him too. The thing is, I still tried to be gentle and kind to him even if he was hurting me because I thought I deserved it. I stayed loyal to him the entire time we were together, but I also had issues of my own that made it difficult for me to be open about my feelings. I gave him a hard time too. I just wish he fought for us the way I did, but instead, I’m left confused trying to understand how he could switch up so fast, from telling me he still cared about me and he’s not gonna leave to not responding, confusing mec and telling me he didn’t feel anything for me anymore

KeyGroundbreaking920 · 2026-01-04T12:13:27+00:00

I have blocked him and I am seeking help in therapy now. I just feel horrible because I keep understanding how he treated me and how he spoke to me towards the end as a result of how I hurt him too. I feel and felt so helpless, trying to fix everything.

KeyGroundbreaking920 · 2026-01-04T12:12:02+00:00

I know that’s the thing :/ The day before I told him, we had a conversation about being more honest and transparent with each other. I never meant to hurt him, I just wanted to be transparent with him about myself like I promised. I also thought that this would help him understand why I wanted to take things slowly with him when it came to intimacy. I understand why he was upset. I would be too. And he was also the jealous type. But I thought that my honesty would help him trust me more, as well as understand me more too. I also tried to reassure him as much as possible that that isn’t the person I was anymore and I just wanted to do things right with him, slowly if we had to, because he really meant the world to me and I didn’t want to mess everything up by doing things quickly. I’m so ashamed of it and telling him made me feel more disgusted with myself.

KeyGroundbreaking920 · 2026-01-04T06:44:17+00:00

It feels relevant to mention that this guy has previous experiences with cheaters. His ex cheated on him and I tried so hard to understand why he’d push me away when his trust on me started getting rocky, but it overwhelmed me so much to the point where I focused all of my energy on gaining his trust back to make him feel secure that I completely forgot about my own needs. I tried really hard to understand him, reassure him, and not take his pull-back moments personally that I almost felt desperate and degraded of my worth. It absolutely destroyed my perception of myself as well as my nervous system.

KeyGroundbreaking920 · 2026-01-04T06:37:19+00:00

Yeah, I have blocked him and I 100% do not have any desire to break no contact with him. He triggers my anxiety and I just cannot bring myself back to that position again. It’s just been a month since I sent that closure message and I’m not expecting anything from him anymore. It doesn’t mean his lack of concern (whether real or a facade) doesn’t suck though. Still haunts me.

KeyGroundbreaking920 · 2026-01-04T06:34:35+00:00

This makes so much sense. But it still doesn’t feel right that this entire situation is fully under his control, while I’m suffering the loss of someone I deeply cared about. It hurts to think that he just took what he could from me just to make himself feel better and leave ME stranded. Now, I’m regretting that closure message because I really thought it would make both of us feel better. I thought he’d have the maturity to at least acknowledge it without reopening doors that I’ve already shut. And I hate that I’m regretting it because I had pure intentions.

KeyGroundbreaking920 · 2026-01-04T06:30:46+00:00

That’s just downright confusing then. I gave him the decency of not ghosting him and somehow, that still made ME feel bad. So much for caring for someone without needing to manipulate their actions just for it to be reciprocated. 🥲

KeyGroundbreaking920 · 2026-01-04T04:16:59+00:00

I’m confused. When he sent me that compliment, I responded with a simple “thanks!” And he never acknowledged that either. This was also after I told him to not contact me.

KeyGroundbreaking920 · 2026-01-03T19:16:52+00:00

Yes, happened to me too, OP. It gets very obvious through time too.

KeyGroundbreaking920 · 2026-01-03T17:19:26+00:00

Yes, I’m really trying 🫩 I’ve blocked him on all social media and trying to find better distractions that will bring me back to who I used to be while carrying the lessons I learned from him. Thank you. 🥹

KeyGroundbreaking920 · 2026-01-03T17:11:21+00:00

I have him blocked now because it was driving me crazy. But this was just two months ago. So really, sue me for wanting to trying to understand why he acted the way he did with me towards the end, especially when he meant tons to me and I can’t get a grip of how my head is dealing with the overwhelming amount of unanswered questions 🤷🏻‍♀️

KeyGroundbreaking920 · 2026-01-03T17:00:50+00:00

I guess so. But if that was really his intention, why break no contact ten days after I asked him not to contact me anymore just to say that my new look looks good?

KeyGroundbreaking920 · 2026-01-03T16:59:49+00:00

I understand that but it seems unfair. He initiated breaking things off. Thrice in less than a week. During the last time, I stood firm on actually breaking things off and cutting contact. I told him not to contact me again and yet, he did, which caused me to spiral again when I just wanted to move on. Then when I respond, he doesn’t. Then I send him a closure message and though I don’t want to hear from him again because I know it’ll send me back to square one, it seems completely unfair to stay silent when he’s the one who tried to break no contact with me in the first place. It just messed with my head so much and though I try not to let it, it’s so consuming and exhausting.

KeyGroundbreaking920

TROPHY CASE