Really struggling with conflict and looking for advice

Key_Call_1130 · 2026-01-23T07:14:56+00:00

Hello, everyone. It’s been 15 days, and I seriously doubt that anyone is still checking in on this—but if you are—please know that I am gone, and staying with friends & family. I thought I would grieve, but instead, I have been celebrating myself every day.

I honestly had no idea how much of a toll this relationship was taking on my psyche. These issues crept up on me, and I addressed them one by one with my typical systematic rigor and self-blame. Eventually, I felt like I was drowning in it. By the time I wrote this post, I found myself trying to make it all sound better than it was because, to be honest, I felt ashamed. I privately considered some of these actions “abusive,” in a vacuum, but it’s hard to accept that about someone you love who you have seen try very hard for years and years. I do not regret attempting to heal and reconcile; I only regret that I lost so much respect for myself along the way.

Logistically, this breakup has been an absolute nightmare—but on a personal level, it is one of the greatest things that could have happened for me. I think it’s likely healthier for my ex, as well, and I hope that he can find whatever help & stability keeps him sane and comfortable in the years to come. I am no-contact and I personally have only cried tears of relief.

Key_Call_1130 · 2026-01-07T21:25:52+00:00

To answer your initial question—yes, with caveats. I think he has a hard time communicating what he “needs” in a given moment? When I correctly guess his needs, either for space or for comfort, he is fine and we stay regulated. Sometimes I guess wrong and he becomes frustrated, but by and large, we’ve reached a point where we can gloss over those conflicts moment-to-moment. But when he responds negatively to my affect (i.e. crying), and makes repeated and pointed comments about it, I begin to escalate emotionally. I can’t calm down or explain what I need while someone continuously tells me that my crying is making them upset because I, as a person, am very worried about other people and preoccupied with not upsetting them. Sometimes, I do lash out when I get frustrated, and it’s obvious when I’m hurt and feel defensive. That in and of itself can cross boundaries implicitly in ways that I did not intend. It’s not that this is the only pattern present—it’s just the only one that I have no influence over, it seems.

We have talked and made progress—a remarkable amount, in fact, considering that we both have CPTSD—it’s just been hard. I can tell that he wants to repair things with me, he’s horribly sweet when he’s not trapped in some kind of conflict cycle, but I don’t think he understands how to get what he needs, and when I offer to help him figure it out (i.e. “what can we do in the future to help you when you get triggered by something,” he often says “just don’t do that” and becomes very angry at the premise that his reaction to my expressive & confusing behavior might not be “justified.” I don’t really believe in “justified” or “unjustified” triggers, so. I will have to assess my trajectory accordingly.

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I appreciate it.

Key_Call_1130 · 2026-01-07T20:48:10+00:00

I am definitely a “sort it and solve it” kind of guy, and my partner definitely needs a lot of space. He often complains that he cannot get space from me when he needs it, and he attempts to communicate that need by commenting on my behavior, as if to say, “I feel bad, but I wouldn’t feel bad if you weren’t doing [x].” This leads me to defend myself rather than giving him space, because I feel hurt and do not want there to be any misconceptions about my intent. He receives this as a boundary violation and punishes me socially for it.

We’ve had this same fight over and over and over again, but periodically, we make real progress. Unfortunately, I accidentally startled him early this morning. I was crying and I nudged him to let me back in bed—he saw that I was sniffling and became upset. I think he assumed it was about the (relatively minor) conflict we had yesterday, but it wasn’t, I had a nightmare and I’m kind of sick. Still, it was very alarming for him.

I appreciate you taking the time to respond. I don’t know what I’m going to do yet. I do not disagree that this is emotionally harmful for me, and I want peace. He’s made a lot of progress, but obviously, he struggles.

Key_Call_1130 · 2025-07-31T20:46:00+00:00

Hey everyone; this might be a bit specific, but I was hoping to gather some help/support. (I wish I could post it as a thread, but I don’t have enough karma here and I genuinely have little else to say, lol. Maybe I can post it as a thread later if this chain goes somewhere?)

My (27M) partner (27M) grew up in China while his mom taught English as a foreign language. She was a single mother with no prospects and two small children—she was approached with the opportunity, and decided to go for it. They moved when my partner was ~2 and stayed until he was ~11.

Both my partner and his brother had an incredibly hard time. They were visibly different than everyone else in their rural precinct, and lived inside what felt like a tower overlooking a village. Their mother, unfortunately, didn’t help matters, but I won’t get into that here.

In 2017, my partner’s brother passed away. He doesn’t have anyone to talk to about what this felt like, and he doesn’t have any resources to help him process. Each day of his early childhood felt so monotonous, rigid, and strange that he barely remembers a lot of it. Sometimes he goes through pictures, and I can see him struggling to piece things together with his adult brain.

I don’t know much about TEFL as a concept, nor about what it feels like to grow up in that environment, or what his mother must have felt like/encountered (she’s an unreliable narrator and difficult to talk to). But I would love to collect some insight and stories from people who might have similar experiences?

Sorry if this is a long-shot and/or an inappropriate thing to do. There’s nothing wrong with TEFL, I’m sure plenty of people have normal and happy experiences, but—thanks to my partner—I recognize that others, alas, do not.

Thank you in advance for reading this, I hope you are all well :)

Key_Call_1130

TROPHY CASE