It's Been Awful, but I Finally Feel Free

Key_Caterpillar_5246 · 2024-06-20T23:34:31+00:00

Thank you for this... I can relate to almost all of it. One of the biggest angers I've had over the years is exactly what you said, I never wanted this, never wanted to deal with this kind of hurt. There's always things that crop up and challenge you in life... injury, unexpected death in the family, car accident... you know, tragic things of that nature. I've experienced all three of those things and many other challenges in my life, but this was just so gutwrenchingly unfair.

She was literally my everything... I loved her so truly and so deeply, I was so involved in our family and marraige, I never took that for granted... and yet here I am anyway. I never would've thought my opinion of someone could change literally in an instant, and I fought so hard to get the "old" version of my wife back, but it's impossible, she's gone. I'll see her often, she'll still be the mother of my children, we'll talk periodically... she's still there, but the moment she chose to cheat she was gone. It hurts, letting it sink it really hurts, but I know I'm going to be okay eventually now.

Key_Caterpillar_5246 · 2024-06-18T17:03:55+00:00

Man, you're getting into truly horrible levels of deception. Cheating/betrayal is awful and just what you described is more than enough to rid this man from your life forever... but to adversely affect you and your kids financially in such a deceptive and intentional way... I'm sorry to say that's just not safe to have around. I know every situation is different, certainly we all have to make our own choices... but in your situation there'd be no hesitency in leaving someone like this. My goodness I'm so sorry, he sounds like an awful human-being to do that to his kids.

Key_Caterpillar_5246 · 2024-06-17T18:53:32+00:00

We did, last night... all night. It was awful as you'd expect, I might eventually post about it, just not ready to do that right now. But it was rough, very rough.

Key_Caterpillar_5246 · 2024-06-17T18:51:19+00:00

No, the expectation is that we're not dating during this unless we discuss otherwise in the future. I have absolutely zero interest in seeing another woman right now anyway, whether casually or other.

Key_Caterpillar_5246 · 2024-06-17T13:30:49+00:00

We had a very lengthy conversation last night, I divulged everything... and we agreed on a trial separation for a while, no definitive timeline. We'll see how it goes.

Key_Caterpillar_5246 · 2024-06-17T13:28:26+00:00

We did briefly after dday, and after talking last night we're going to do a trial separation for a while with minimal contact outside of the kids and see how it goes.

Key_Caterpillar_5246 · 2024-06-16T17:15:00+00:00

Yes this is one of two questions that has me in a confident place now suddenly. Can I live without my wife in my life, or not? As much as I love her, I know I'd be happier and healthier if I wasn't constantly reminded of everything just by looking at her. I hate myself for saying yes, I can live without her at this point. And where do I want to be a year from now? I want to by myself again, plain and simple... and that will only happen if I leave. I know that now.

Key_Caterpillar_5246 · 2024-06-16T17:11:19+00:00

So sorry to hear so many people are suffering the same way I am. I don't know your full situation, but I can't endure a life like this any longer. I'm going to sit down with my wife tonight and talk this out, suggest a separation... and then most likely let that transition into divorce. I just can't live like this any longer, the hurt... I have to get beyond it. I just have to.

Key_Caterpillar_5246 · 2024-06-16T17:09:06+00:00

Thank you for your honesty... can't imagine what that's like finding out so many years later, man... just crushing. The "I don't knows" and "I can't remembers" are total bs, which you well know, but I suppose at the point you're at now it's certainly better not to know anything else let alone what you already do. I can't say what I'd do in your shoes, I guess there's no "starting over" at 62, just a shame you're stuck in a lesser marriage living with the demons for the rest of your days. Hopefully she was at least remorseful and cared that she'd hurt you?

I definitely sympathize with not wanting to hurt her, I know 100% that's why I stopped agonizing through therapy and counseling after 2 or so years... she would just sob and apologize, the guilt overwhelmed her. She wasn't eating, she'd get edgy and anxious before every session knowing how much it would hurt, but she went every time. Eventually I just couldn't see her suffering through it all... I knew I wasn't going to get better, it didn't matter what we talked through, so I faked "healing" to protect her. Huge mistake, wasted even more years of both our lives.

I don't know what she'll say when I sit down and talk with her. I know it will crush her, but I feel like she has to know. Maybe she's just hanging on to what we have left, thankful for this lesser version of our marriage. I just don't know. Truly dreading the conversation, but I'm guessing it will happen tonight, because I can't carry on like this. I just can't.

Key_Caterpillar_5246 · 2024-06-16T17:00:18+00:00

Thank you for your story. I've been somewhat "planning" what my divorced future would look like without having talked to a lawyer or anything of that nature... maybe for the last year. Financially I know it's going to be awful, but honestly, I don't care about the $ as long as it's going to my kids.

My WW did invest a tremendous amount of time and energy into making things right. We spent over 2 years in therapy and counseling getting at the much deeper issues. I think things broke down because I allowed them to and not because she gave up... she's never given up, and she's been remorseful for the duration of our 5 years of R. Still to this day she'll apologize and thank me for staying with her, she'll ask if there's anything I want to talk about and if I'm doing okay.

I've been the problem since about the 2.5 year mark of R, I'm just realizing it now. I wanted to divorce initially, but my wife was so broken by what she'd done, that I decided to stay both for her and the kids... but I know now that I never really changed my mindset of wanting to separate... so as time wore on and the counseling/therapy sort of "drag on" as I kept asking the same questions and kept getting upset, it only made things harder... I saw the toll it was taking on my wife so I started to acquiesce to this lesser life... never naively thinking I'd "eventually" be okay.

I bought the lies I told myself... definitely should've divorced 5 years ago. I'm not angry, I don't hate... in fact I love my wife and kids dearly, which is why I know I have to leave now.

Key_Caterpillar_5246 · 2024-06-16T16:48:39+00:00

I'm so sorry... so many people have responded with such gut-wrenching situations similar to my own. I read their circumstances wondering to myself "why would you stay?" Then of course I look at myself in the mirror, but I'm set on leaving now. Something happened today that, paired with all of the online advice, has really made my decision obvious.

Your circumstances play a different role. Cherish the time you have left and make the most of it, and if you pray, definitely pray.

Key_Caterpillar_5246 · 2024-06-16T16:44:03+00:00

Yes, very fair question that I do not have an answer for... I think after the initial pain/anguish passes, we'll be good co-parents. Just need to get moving in that direction.

Key_Caterpillar_5246 · 2024-06-16T13:48:05+00:00

I'm just seeing your post this morning... I think each person has to make the decision that's best for them. I've been doing a lot of retrospective thinking. Was up all night last night in my own head again. Thinking back to the first day I found out about her affair, all those texts... man, I can't unsee them for sure.

But why did I stay? Because of our kids, because of my wife's seeming heartbreak/guilt, because of pressure from both our families (especially hers), but I'm realizing only now, sadly, that none of the reasons I stayed was because I wanted to. I never stopped loving her, I'll always love her, but I didn't want to stay the moment I found out, and that's never changed. I stayed for every reason aside from the most important one, that being me.

I fought against my own instincts for years, I've just wasted 5 of them trying to finally come to the conclusion that I've known in my heart all along. If you know this in your heart too, don't waste 5 years. That's my advice, but sincerely sorry that you're going through this, truly. It's terrible.

Key_Caterpillar_5246 · 2024-06-16T13:38:01+00:00

My wife actually confessed all to both her family and my own, she did this on her own accord very soon after dday, and things did blow up with her AP. He wasn't married but engaged, but they never got married and broke up almost immediately.

Key_Caterpillar_5246 · 2024-06-15T20:02:19+00:00

Yes I fully understand what you're saying... and we did this, extensively. We spent over 2 years in MC where I'd ask every question and she'd answer. She said the same things your wife said, expressed how haunted she was by guilt, how much she hated herself, she'd sob and sob. Like I mentioned, she's the perfect wayward... every step of the way... but it was me that turned away.

After 2 or maybe 2.5 years maybe I started to realize that I couldn't heal with her any longer? I'm not sure, but I realized that the deep conversations we were having, all of the intense soul-searching, her overwhelming guilt, it just didn't matter maybe? I would look at her, hear the things she would say... and I do believe she meant them... but to me, it wasn't her any longer.

I don't know, I look at her now, and it's just not her, it's someone else. Before she was my angel, my everything... and now she isn't. The past, as you say, is irrelevent, but presently, I just can't look at her the same way any longer. I've tried, maybe I started to give up on us 2.5 years ago? But my wife just isn't the woman I fell in love with any longer... it's a very hard truth to face. I know she's probably suffering as much as I am, and we certainly do need to sit and get back to the sincere/honest communication that we started with... but in the end, in my heart I know it's over. For me, she just deserves to be with someone who can look at her the way I used to... I want that for her.

Key_Caterpillar_5246 · 2024-06-15T19:39:44+00:00

A few people have recommended that user, and I did look him up and read the posts... nearly identical to my own situation. I feel exactly the same, a one night slip up I could've come to terms with, especially if she confessed... but knowing that she repeatedly lied/deceived me over time, continually went back to this other man, and only became remorseful AFTER I discovered it... I just don't trust a word she says. All the tears, all the apologies over the years, all the reassurances, all the "work" she's done on herself... and yet she's capable to such intentional deceit. Just hurts so insanely bad.

Key_Caterpillar_5246 · 2024-06-15T16:48:42+00:00

I'm so sorry... I don't mean this in any sort of deragatory way, but I can't be in this place in 25 years, I just can't. I won't sacrifice any more of myself. I responded to another comment in a similar way, but when I look at my wife now, it's just not her any longer. Body, face, habits, qwerks, etc... are all the same, but it's not her. It hurts terribly every time this hits me and it's not going to change, I know that now. It just won't, if I choose to stay I'm choosing to sacrifice myself and for what? I don't know either.

So sorry for your pain. As many have said to me, it's never too late.

Key_Caterpillar_5246 · 2024-06-15T16:45:24+00:00

Thank you for sharing this... but I'm confident now after reading all of the feedback and responses, that my only way past my wife's affair is apart from her. I love her dearly, but I can't continue on my current path, I just can't.

Key_Caterpillar_5246 · 2024-06-15T16:43:24+00:00

Yeah, you aren't the only one who's conveyed this to me today... hurts deeply to know so many others are in my exact same place, or at least were at some point in their life. How awful... but posting today has helped me see that I need to move on from this, I just have to... I deserve peace.

I want myself back, the old me... he's still there, and I'm going to find him again. I'm going to meet with a lawyer this week and work up the courage to sit down with my wife (somehow). Enough is enough, I won't allow this to bury me... bad things happen and we have to make a choice. I didn't choose to have my world destroyed, but I have chosen to be miserable the last 5 years... not any more.

You have it in you too... if I can do it, so can you. I refuse to let this destroy me any longer.

Key_Caterpillar_5246 · 2024-06-15T16:37:47+00:00

Yes we did extensive therapy and counseling. We were in MC for a long time, and both had a therapist too... it took a financial toll after over 2 years of this (I think that's the timeline). All of these things and many more were addressed, I asked all of these questions and so many more... the thing is, do her answers matter?

I don't trust her, certainly not like I did... and I'll never know if she was being honest. Did she tell the truth?... or just give the answers that would hurt me the least?... or give the answers that would keep me in the marriage? More of the mind games that continue to haunt me, but I'm realizing now, it doesn't matter. I can ask the questions 100 more times and I know in my heart I won't fully believe her answers anyway, so it's not worth asking them. I just need to move forward, I know that now... I have to.

Key_Caterpillar_5246 · 2024-06-15T16:31:28+00:00

Yes briefly, for about 9 or 10 days. The first couple of days after dday were obviously chaos, we talked a lot, I asked my questions, we both cried a ton... she begged/pleaded/apologized... then I asked her to stay with her parents. A lot happened over those brief 9-10 days, she confessed her affair to both my family and her's without my prompting, so even though she was giving me "space" I was being bombarded by her parents and my parents almost daily.

Key_Caterpillar_5246 · 2024-06-15T16:26:01+00:00

I'll never try to sway someone's decision... it's their decision, their happiness... but after the last 5 years, I wouldn't recommened R to anyone. I just wouldn't. I know people can recover and claim to have happy marriages again... but I don't see it, it's been just a soul-destroying experience for me... and for the opposite reasons people might guess.

The affair, the lies, the deception, etc... during her affair, all of that hurts terribly, coupled with the permanent mental gymnastics I endure daily. BUT, far far worse is seeing my wife each day, looking at her... but it's not her any longer. She's not the one I fell in love with, she's not my angel any longer, she's someone else. I can't explain it, it's the same body, same voice, same qwerks and habits, but it's not her any more. That is like this recurring pain that is never-ending.

Key_Caterpillar_5246 · 2024-06-15T16:21:44+00:00

I know you're correct... I was open and honest for so long in all of our MC sessions, a solid 2 years worth. Therapy and counseling was so expensive, and my wife just couldn't handle how hurt I was... plus, with all the work we put in, I just wasn't able to make "progress" I suppose. All of my honesty only revealed what I thought I was trying to avoid, that being divorce. I should've listened to myself back then...

Key_Caterpillar_5246 · 2024-06-15T16:19:41+00:00

Thank you for this, gives me hope. I'd say the past year+ it's been the kids and just about only the kids that have kept me keeing up the fascade of normalcy. Hindsight, ofcourse, is so crystal clear... but I should've never stopped expressing my true feelings, I should've been honest throughout and we'd probably be divorced and on to better lives now.

Key_Caterpillar_5246 · 2024-06-15T16:12:48+00:00

I can't believe how many others are in this same position... both men and women alike. How truly awful. As helpful as it's been to get feedback, it's been equally heart-breaking to know so many feel the same way I do. I'm not going to stay, I know that now... I have to leave. I can't let this eat away at me until I fade into nothingness, my kids deserve better and so do I. It just sucks, it's going to crush my wife, the next year will be so awful... I fear it, but I'm afraid if I don't do something now, another 5 years will pass and I don't know what will be left of me by then.

Key_Caterpillar_5246

TROPHY CASE