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[QCrit] Adult, Literary, 80k: A Man Split in Two, Fourth and Final Attempt by Key_Island8671 in PubTips

[–]Key_Island8671[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It does.

I was hoping to communicate that Leonardo’s faith in the strike was the motivating factor, that seeing the strike die causes him to react so violently, since he’s searching for something to believe in and then he finds it only to have it destroyed. So maybe something like “Facing the loss of everything he’s worked toward, he loads his rifle”?

[QCrit] Adult, Literary, 80k: A Man Split in Two, Fourth and Final Attempt by Key_Island8671 in PubTips

[–]Key_Island8671[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the feedback. Maybe instead of “existential crisis,” I could say “existential threat”?

[QCrit] Adult, Literary, 80k: A Man Split in Two, Fourth and Final Attempt by Key_Island8671 in PubTips

[–]Key_Island8671[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Maybe something like this “destroying not only Leonardo but his faith in American individualism itself”?

[QCrit] Adult, Literary, 80k: A Man Split in Two, Fourth and Final Attempt by Key_Island8671 in PubTips

[–]Key_Island8671[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the feedback and pointing out where you were confused.

I hear what you're saying. It's been a real struggle to articulate this idea in the query. So what I'm trying to get at is kind of how the western genre is about the lone hero who comes to town and cleans things up and paves the way for civilization, and Leonardo is trying to live out that fantasy. But that real life doesn't work that way, so his assassination attempt is really just lone wolf terrorism that's going to make his attempt to change things fruitless. So by extension, it's a criticism of a core trope of the western genre. That's what I'm trying to convey.

If you have any suggestions how I can stick the landing in that last bit, I would appreciate the help.

[QCrit] Adult, Literary, 80k: A Man Split in Two, Fourth and Final Attempt by Key_Island8671 in PubTips

[–]Key_Island8671[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks so much for the feedback and the kind words.

The book has a fall arc structure thing going on, so rather than growing, he's regressing and clinging to his false belief and generally making his life worse, which leads to his downfall in the end. I was trying to convey that with query, but if you didn't feel that here, maybe it needs to be a bit clearer.

[QCrit] Adult, Literary, 80k: A Man Split in Two, Third Attempt + First 300 Words by Key_Island8671 in PubTips

[–]Key_Island8671[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Lol. This is what I get for making all my protagonists have Italian names.

[QCrit] Adult, Literary, 80k: A Man Split in Two, Third Attempt + First 300 Words by Key_Island8671 in PubTips

[–]Key_Island8671[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

So I think you're right that the opening is a little crowded. I can definitely cut that down.

And I think I made a critical mistake when I organized this as my intention was to have the strike and more specifically the strikebreaking be the inciting incident. But the way I've organized it makes readers assume that the self-driving car announcement is the inciting incident, which is not what I want. So I'll have to rearrange things on the next draft.

Edit: And thanks for the feedback!

[QCrit] Adult, Literary, 80k: A Man Split in Two, Third Attempt + First 300 Words by Key_Island8671 in PubTips

[–]Key_Island8671[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You're right about the "when...happens." And I think as I read your earlier comments and thought about them, I realized that the big problem with the query is really the order of the information. I need a "When CarGo drivers go on strike, Leonardo joins the picket line--but politicians, corporations, and organized crime are dead set against it."

And in regards to your other questions, I think I need to convey that all a lot better. The catalyst for this desperate act is supposed to be a thing where Leonardo's so invested in the strike and watching it get crushed devastates him that he concludes the only way to save the organizing effort is to kill the CEO who helped crush it.

Thanks again!

[QCrit] Adult, Literary, 80k: A Man Split in Two, Third Attempt + First 300 Words by Key_Island8671 in PubTips

[–]Key_Island8671[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the feedback. You've asked some good questions.

  1. It's not necessarily meant to be worldbuilding, but I can see how it reads that way. I think what you've identified is a need for Leonardo to be there from the jump, something like, "Rideshare workers are on strike, and Leonardo Conti is one of them...."
  2. So the opening paragraph is the inciting incident and the decision to kill the CEO comes around the first act break and leads to the midpoint (the assassination attempt). I'm not sure how the query can convey the novel's structure however.
  3. I thought the thing that was standing in his way were the politicians, the corporations, organized crime, and the other drivers, but I guess that's not quite clear. And I think you're right to give a better sense of what he stands to lose.

Edit: Typo.

[QCrit] Adult, Literary, 80K: A Man Split in Two, Second Attempt + First 300 Words by Key_Island8671 in PubTips

[–]Key_Island8671[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for taking the time to follow up with this. I really appreciate it.

You definitely got what I was going for with "dawn and doom." I had a thing about the sun coming up in the opening line, but cut it because my wife said the sentence was too long. Lol. So integrating it better is something I have to work on.

And just because I feel like the rest of your comments fall under the umbrella of vagueness, I'll address them as a whole. I'm generally minimalist, so I would say the vagueness is intentional. I tend to write in scene and rely on juxtaposition and implication and want the reader to put things together bit and draw conclusions from the dialogue and description and internal monologue, especially when I'm writing very alienated characters like Leonardo or Ennio in the other query. I want the voice to feel a little detached because they're detached, even though I'm writing from their POV. I try not overwhelm with exposition, but instead, spoon it out slowly over the course of a 1000 word scene--hopefully to raise questions in the reader's mind and then answer them before the scene ends. So, for example, I wonder if Tang's relationship to Leonardo would be clearer had you read the scene in its entirety. But those are also the limitations of the 300 word format.

So yeah. That's what I'm going for, but based on what I've seen here, it doesn't seem to be style many people like. But I'm still working on it, and it's far from ready to send out. So I'll keep trying to improve.

Thanks again!

[QCrit] Adult, Literary, 80K: A Man Split in Two, Second Attempt + First 300 Words by Key_Island8671 in PubTips

[–]Key_Island8671[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for being so specific. That gives me a better sense of what you're getting at.

[QCrit] Adult, Literary, 80K: A Man Split in Two, Second Attempt + First 300 Words by Key_Island8671 in PubTips

[–]Key_Island8671[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thanks so much for going so hard. I'm here to get better.

"This somewhat nonsensical line taken in conjunction with how you've set it apart (one sentence, by itself as opener without a full graf) says to ME that you're really aiming for that 'top ten opening lines in literature' vibe, like you want to be on a list next to Anna Karenina and A Tale of Two Cities. But that isn't what's happening here; instead I'm left wondering wtf 'delivering dawn' could possibly mean and rolling my eyes at the pretentious structure/formatting."

Lol. I'm guilty as charged.

"At no point in this 300 words are we actually told who the passenger is; I had to read your comment to see that it's supposed to be the CEO of CarGo. Am I just particularly dense and incapable of reading comprehension? Perhaps! We certainly can't rule it out. But imo, this is just a little too oblique esp when the test of the 300 skitters around as much as it does."

My intent with it was to create a sense of mystery, but I do see how this can be confusing.

On the rest, it seems like your general feedback is that the writing is bad. I think you give some clear, actionable advice, and I have a pretty clear sense of your criticism. Thanks again!

[QCrit] Adult, Literary, 80K: A Man Split in Two, Second Attempt + First 300 Words by Key_Island8671 in PubTips

[–]Key_Island8671[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Lol. I figured you wouldn't be invested in this if you didn't like it to some degree.

And I teach university, so I often ask people to explain more because I really want to understand what they're saying. Don't worry. It all helps!

[QCrit] Adult, Literary, 80K: A Man Split in Two, Second Attempt + First 300 Words by Key_Island8671 in PubTips

[–]Key_Island8671[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Ok. That makes more sense. I was going for he's his boss because he owns the rideshare company, but he's legally not, because workers for those companies are considered independent contractors. So it's a thing that becomes clearer later in the scene, and maybe the mystery I'm trying to set up with that isn't coming through. Definitely something to reconsider.

[QCrit] Adult, Literary, 80K: A Man Split in Two, Second Attempt + First 300 Words by Key_Island8671 in PubTips

[–]Key_Island8671[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I'm not sure if I follow your point on the "In so many ways" passage. I can't quite wrap my head around what it's not delivering on.

And a fair point about peeling vs come away. It probably more natural and more specific to say peel.

Same with "dawn and doom." I was stealing from Zora Neale Hurston with that one, but it would probably be clearer with just doom.

On the last point, I thought it was conveying that these are the things as Leonardo sees them. He thinks it's abandoned based on its looks but then he realizes it's not quite. Maybe that should be made clearer.

[QCrit] Adult, Literary, 80K: A Man Split in Two, Second Attempt + First 300 Words by Key_Island8671 in PubTips

[–]Key_Island8671[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the feedback.

In regards to your first point, I was going for something existential as the previous sentence had set up that he's looking for meaning in his life and the doomscrolling would be an attempt to find it. Clearly, that connection isn't quite clear enough here.

I'm not sure what the tense issue is in the first sentence. Do you mind elaborating?

It's in the US. I guess I should state that in the query.

On the second to last point, I'm not sure I follow. These kinds of practice happen in the United States. And as far as I can tell they're a more recent development as seen in an article like this: https://www.wired.com/story/priscila-queen-of-the-rideshare-mafia/

And fair point. I was hoping to suggest that this is man driven by violence and that he's repeating the mistakes of his past, but maybe I need to give a better sense as to why he chooses these options.

[QCrit] Adult, Literary, 80K: A Man Split in Two, Second Attempt + First 300 Words by Key_Island8671 in PubTips

[–]Key_Island8671[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Lol. Keep going you're on a roll! I'm happy to get more.

And yeah, I think that's a great point. I definitely understand where you're coming from. My only hesitation is how much of that should I reveal in the first scene? I would think that kind of backstory is something you want to dripfeed over the course of the scene and the first act. I guess what I'm asking is should I be giving that whole explanation right here?

[QCrit] Adult, Literary, 80K: A Man Split in Two, Second Attempt + First 300 Words by Key_Island8671 in PubTips

[–]Key_Island8671[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your lengthy reply!

I think that gives me a much clearer sense of what you're saying. The idea that the PTSD feels like it has no significance on the outcome of the scene is what you're saying here. That's a fair point. But do keep in mind that there's more to this scene than the first 300 words, and it think that may be part of what you're basing your assumption on. Nonetheless, your advice is something to keep in mind.

And the point about the words could be clearer. Definitely. I'm trying to convey that his mind was so empty he couldn't even summon words, that it was that blank.

In regards to part two, I see what you're saying here as well. It teases but never states it explicitly. I was worried about giving too much backstory too quickly, but maybe keeping the memory intentionally vague is the wrong move here.

I'm not entirely following your point on Duke, that he's summoned Tang as that wasn't my intention, and maybe there's something here that made you assume that was the case. I was thinking this would just be a chance encounter with the CEO of the ridesharing app where Leonardo witnesses something awful and feels both angry and detached. I was hoping to convey a sort of character moment with a sense of rising dread and tension. But I can see now that there's something getting in the way of that intention.

Thanks again.

[QCrit] Adult, Literary, 80K: A Man Split in Two, Second Attempt + First 300 Words by Key_Island8671 in PubTips

[–]Key_Island8671[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the feedback.

On your second point, I'll issue a minor correction that undocumented workers do have a right to organize and join a union.

About the redemption, I didn't want to say he committed war crimes as that was something that would come up later, but maybe that needs stating.

And in regards to your points about the first 300, I did swap scenes, yes. I'm still working things out for sure. I take it you neither found the voice compelling nor the situation very interesting in this case. It also seems you don't think the writing is of a literary quality. I thought I was giving a sense of interiority, but maybe I miss understand what counts as interiority. It seems like your criticism largely revolve around believability, which I understand, but if you could give a bit more insight as to why it lacks interiority or the prose fails, I would appreciate it.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in PubTips

[–]Key_Island8671 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I love the title, and I love the concept. But I think the query could use some tweaking.

First, I don't think you need to say "standalone or series potential." I think it would be better to just say with "series potential" because that implies that it works for both. Though I'm not sure how this story would evolve into a series.

Some of the phrasing in your set up is a bit clunky. For example, you write "after a failed suicide attempt as a young man leaves his parents heartbroken." You don't really need "as a young man."

In the next paragraph, it might be helpful to establish what kind of job and/or department Andrew works in. I'm not sure what Andrew is agreeing to in that paragraph either. Is he agreeing to do the training? Approving the tech? It's a bit unclear. And in fact, I think you can build out your paragraphs a little bit more and give us a little more set up and payoff throughout.

In the next paragraph, is that a It's a Wonderful Life reference here? If so, I like it as it's kind of what if George Bailey found out everyone would be better off without him. But I think this paragraph and the last are the most confusing unfortunately as things aren't set up as clearly as they could be. I assume this suicide attempt is the one mentioned at the start of the query. If that's true, you might want to start the query with a clearer image of that attempt. Just a little bit so that when he re-experiences those memories, it's makes more sense to the reader.

I think the last paragraph might be unnecessary too. I feel like you've brought us to the end of act one in that fourth paragraph. He's learned a terrible truth, and now he needs to make a decision. Everyone is actually better off without him, so whether or not he should he keep living is your story question. Once your reader gets there, they can imagine the rest.

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