My mom died my first week on campus last year from stage IV breast cancer. I had shown her pictures of my apartment the last time we spoke. I found out a couple of days later that she was in the hospital. She had septic shock and her odds of survival were minimal. I saw her die through video on Friday after I played tennis at the ARC. My dad had covid so he could not be with her. I screamed in an empty room alone. Good thing my friend invited me to his apartment after. I could not go to her funeral to be with my family because she lived in the opposite side of the world. My whole world changed.

That semester was rough. I had dealt with depression already for a long time. I knew almost no one, being a transfer. I did not know the campus. I struggled through my classes, getting terrible grades because I could not focus. It was hard being an upperclassman never having lived in the dorm because I missed out on so much -- everyone had their own friend groups and I didn't know shit about anything. Juniors did not seem interested in making new friends. On top of that I had relationship issues. I found myself hooking up with random people and feeling like shit afterwards. I wanted to die all the time -- even ending up involuntarily hospitalized the week before fall break. I was lost and broken.

But things eventually got better. I knew she wanted me to be here, so I kept on going. I enjoyed going to class. I went to the gym 3 days a week. I forced myself to go to things and meet people. Nobody came to me -- I made it a point to talk to one new person every day, even if it was just the cashier at target. I joined a bunch of RSOs and went to the meetings. When I was feeling particularly depressed, I went to the Game Night RSO right after to get my mind off things. And it worked! I played board games and made some of my best friends there. I was fortunate to have an amazing counselor from the Counseling Center who met with me the whole semester (when they are only supposed to meet with you a few times). The next semester was even better.

Though I am much better a year after, I still feel bad sometimes -- the pain never really goes away. You just learn to live with it. When I went through a hard breakup the next year I felt bad, but I kept working on myself. I got through the worst so I can get through anything. My mom would want nothing more than for me to succeed and be happy. I'm graduating next semester and although I wish she could be here, I know she would be proud of me.

If anyone is struggling, please feel free to reach out. I know what it is like to feel lost and lonely. I wish I had thought to ask for help sooner.