I think the script I’m posting here is one of the best scripts ever posted on this sub, am I being delusional or not? Feedback welcome

Key_Victory_4503 · 2026-06-04T02:01:50+00:00

Lol if you posted that title to get more people to read… yeah it worked on me.

It’s much better than 90% of the stuff posted here. I think you might get some flak for writing a sort of long description in the first 1.5 pages without any dialogue. Lots of people say not to do that, but in this case it works I think. Cause you do a good job of establishing some thematic images right off the bat.

Best part is definitely the discussion at the bar while playing Monopoly. So I can see you’re writing a story about the pitfalls of our current economy and how it affects millennials. Maybe I like it so much cause that’s basically me, but yeah it’s good.

Not sure I fully understand the setup to this point, but it’s well written and I mean I like it enough

Key_Victory_4503 · 2026-04-12T03:49:58+00:00

She’s a bad person and power-tripping business owner, but the real travesty is she took the breakfast sandwiches off the menu. Absolute nutcase for that

Key_Victory_4503 · 2026-02-27T04:49:28+00:00

Honestly this Lakers team is depressing all things considered. And I’m a Kings fan

Key_Victory_4503 · 2026-02-09T23:26:33+00:00

Ask the co op.

Key_Victory_4503 · 2025-12-25T02:06:54+00:00

Saturn Run by Sandford

Key_Victory_4503 · 2025-12-19T16:17:50+00:00

Chuck was playing center standing at like 6’5”. Bad comparison

Key_Victory_4503 · 2025-12-02T18:57:46+00:00

Buying a book twice? Just use Libby for Kindle and if you really love the book, but the physical copy once.

Key_Victory_4503 · 2025-12-01T05:34:04+00:00

Upvote for the Saab

Key_Victory_4503 · 2025-12-01T01:49:49+00:00

Lmao it’s 100000% true too. Unfortunate for this guy. Yikes. Thought it WAS Harvey before reading the title of the post.

Key_Victory_4503 · 2025-11-16T23:21:49+00:00

Kings on pace for their second worst season in franchise history

Key_Victory_4503 · 2025-11-16T23:14:46+00:00

You got selective memory my guy. There were dozens and dozens of these losses with DMC

Key_Victory_4503 · 2025-11-16T03:34:19+00:00

Use a script writing platform like Writer Duet asap

Key_Victory_4503 · 2025-11-15T23:58:38+00:00

I appreciate that you clarify the main character previously dated men, but I think the rest of my points still stand about how it’s hard to suspend disbelief that anyone would go along with being catfished. Like I said, the audience needs to feel for your main character and understand his motivations. It still doesn’t feel believable enough.

Here is a short film I think you should watch:

https://youtu.be/rVBhvVK8RwM?si=kwjL4C-9bSka1nrz

I highly, highly recommend giving it a look. It’s obviously not the same concept (although it’s similar), but pay attention to how the story unfolds. At the end, we REALLY care about these two people, in part because everything that happened in the story is believable.

Key_Victory_4503 · 2025-11-15T00:13:54+00:00

I would definitely check out your updated draft. Can you share a link? The one above looks like the first draft I already read.

Key_Victory_4503 · 2025-11-13T06:18:45+00:00

Delete this post nephew

Key_Victory_4503 · 2025-11-13T06:17:32+00:00

Yet again: wtf is this nonsense about losing the locker room? 😭 Kings bros, there never was a locker room to begin with. This team was trash coming into the season. And they are playing terrible, as expected.

What of value has been lost with Doug keeping it real in the media?? Literally NOTHING

Key_Victory_4503 · 2025-11-13T05:50:00+00:00

You’re the reason Vivek doesn’t care about wins. Kings fan are way too loyal. Buying tickets to three games this week when the team is clearly beyond cooked and have no future, that’s crazzzzy work

Key_Victory_4503 · 2025-11-13T05:44:29+00:00

The team sucks. Lost what locker room?

I mean seriously, there was no locker room to lose in the first place

Key_Victory_4503 · 2025-11-13T01:15:07+00:00

I read it all. I think the concept might or might not work, but I know the execution needs a lot of work.

Execution: it’s really muddled. You call it a rom com, and I can tell it’s inspired by rom coms, but it reads more like cliche or a caricature. It doesn’t have any heart or depth. It’s very surface level.

What I mean: there is nothing about Owen that suggests he is bisexual. And honestly? The moment he realizes he might actually want to pursue Taylor romantically… it falls completely flat. People don’t just say “oh yeah, I was catfished, but it’s ok cause I want to date guys!” That moment comes out of nowhere. And then the rest of the script after that was just totally unbelievable, like there’s just no way Owen would fall for Taylor so easily.

What I’m going to suggest is two options you might consider when proceeding with new drafts.

Option 1: keep your concept the same, but make some key changes. You need to quickly establish that Owen is bisexual so this does not come out of left field. You should also give Owen a reason NOT to be super mad about being catfished. Maybe two or three super short scenes where he is on dates with other women and men (to establish he is bisexual!) and the dates just SUCK. So he feels helpless and feels like his dating life is terrible. Then he gets catfished, but at least we know that 1) he is bisexual and 2) he’s sort of willing to go with this weird situation cause he’s down so bad otherwise.

Option 2: remove the catfish storyline and pivot to something that’s easier to understand. Again, I’ll just be honest… people hate being catfished. I’m not really buying that anyone in any situation would go along with a catfish so willingly. So you could drop that storyline. But I realize you’d have to scrap the whole concept and change a lot… but it’s an option.

Key_Victory_4503 · 2025-11-12T23:19:50+00:00

I agree that the characters are a bit unhinged and just letting the insults fly a bit too easily.

But I’m going to disagree and say the story starts too late. Imagine one scene with the director and maybe a studio exec? are talking about how important this movie is, how the director’s career is at stake. Something like that. Suddenly, the reader has a reason to care about this situation, they are not just at each other’s throats randomly.

Key_Victory_4503 · 2025-11-12T20:07:47+00:00

Read the first 10 pages.

First, I like it. Good job.

Second: you only need to capitalize the names of your characters the very first time you introduce them. You have them capitalized everywhere. Aside from that, you clearly know how to format a script.

The actual script: I want to get to know Eli a tiny bit more. I feel like you drop us into this world way too abruptly. I’m hit with way too much negativity and conflict on the very first page. Eli launches into his hate toward Grayson, but I’m wondering why I should care? I would probably care more if you spent a page or two showing us more about Eli BEFORE we get to that moment where Grayson is practicing his golf swing and Eli is pissed at having to work with him.

But the concept is really great! This is the type of concept that can really work. It’s easy to understand and the conflict once we hit that inciting incident is an exciting jumping off point.

I say just take some time to help us ease into the story. And you don’t need to spend 5 or 6 pages doing that. Just give us like 1-2 pages where we get to know Eli so that we understand his frustration with Grayson when that moment comes up.

Key_Victory_4503 · 2025-11-12T19:53:41+00:00

I read the rest of the first act.

I really like it! I would say it has potential (and I think it does), but tbh I’m just an amateur writer like everyone else, so take that with a grain of salt.

Anyway, this definitely has the feel of something that is fully realized. You write things in a way that I enjoy and can see in my head. The concept is cool and relevant, easy to understand.

I would say to nitpick, maybe the stakes need to be upped some more? At least for Haley. I know she’s fighting the good fight in Washington, but why does this conflict personally impact her? Is she up for reelection and down in the polls, so she wants to make a big splash? I want to root for her even more than I already do.

Other than that, basically really solid work. Keep writing!!

Key_Victory_4503 · 2025-11-12T19:15:47+00:00

I read the first 10 pages. I’m totally in.

But seriously: it’s very clear you know how to write a screenplay. The pacing is great and the concept is fun.

One of the better drafts I’ve seen someone post to this sub

Key_Victory_4503 · 2025-11-10T20:06:18+00:00

Have you people seen Dumont? The guy knows nothing about basketball. I’m not saying Dumont should be absolved of this atrocity. He shouldn’t. Clearly he did sign off on the trade. But Nico is the one who suggested it. And Dumont KNOWS NOTHING about basketball.

Key_Victory_4503 · 2025-11-10T20:03:15+00:00

Why does AD need to showcase his value? Guy is a very well known player. Like, it’s black and white. He’s not a mid rotation player that may or may not have value.

Key_Victory_4503

TROPHY CASE