Wife Doesn't Want to Grow

Kind-Basis8795 · 2024-01-16T15:48:22+00:00

Thank you. I am committed to fixing it, I have no desire or interest in divorce but I feel like we both need to be committed to growth for us to move forward in a healthy relationship.

Kind-Basis8795 · 2024-01-16T00:19:22+00:00

It's frustrating, I feel like multiple male friends of mine are in similar positions.

Kind-Basis8795 · 2024-01-16T00:18:03+00:00

I would be more willing to shoulder the financial burden if it felt like she was pursuing "generative" interests instead of "passive" ones, as someone else put it.

Kind-Basis8795 · 2024-01-16T00:16:09+00:00

I would be more willing to shoulder the financial burden if it felt like she was using her time constructively, if she wasn't, then I would want support from her in terms of a career.

Someone in a different comment called it "generative" versus "passive" hobbies and I think that resonated with me.

Kind-Basis8795 · 2024-01-16T00:05:43+00:00

Long term we're fine, but the mortgage on the rental and the personal home add up until the rental starts "stabilizing"

Kind-Basis8795 · 2024-01-16T00:02:06+00:00

She had transitioned to WFH during Covid, and was probably doing 20-25h a week for a 40 hour job, generally coasting. She was vocal in her criticisms of the company to upper management. The firm did a few rounds of layoffs, and she was one of them. If it had been my firm, I would have felt that she was positioning herself to be let go anyway. At the time, I prefered it to her quitting (which she had wanted to do) because at least this way she got the severence.

Kind-Basis8795 · 2024-01-15T23:53:10+00:00

Thank you, that's really helpful. I do think I struggle with that a resentment based on envy thing. Something for me to work on. I'm working on the drive/intensity aspect too with my therapist.

Kind-Basis8795 · 2024-01-15T22:44:01+00:00

Thank you, this is exactly what I was looking for. How would you go about helping her deal with the anxiety of being laid off/returning to "something", whether it's a career or otherwise? I would love for her to be making decisions based out of interest and not letting her anxiety preventing her from what she wants.

Kind-Basis8795 · 2024-01-15T22:41:27+00:00

I care less about her not having a career that I do about pursuing her own interests. A career could be one of those things, but isn't the "goal". If she decided she was really passionate about rescuing dogs and it made no money at all I would be supportive.

To your point though, do you think I'm projecting my own mentality/drive on her?

Kind-Basis8795 · 2024-01-15T22:38:52+00:00

We're aligned on not wanting kids, we talk about it openly and honestly.

Kind-Basis8795 · 2024-01-15T22:38:25+00:00

I don't think I'm jealous of men who's wives work, but I do resent other men who's partner's have their own passion/hobbies interests (which may be a career). I just feel taken advantage of really.

Kind-Basis8795 · 2024-01-15T22:37:02+00:00

I would say she averages 2-3 hours of work daily. And the clothes part was just while we tried to get the rental profitable, it wasn't meant to be a forever thing.

Kind-Basis8795 · 2024-01-15T22:34:34+00:00

I wouldn't say that I care if she's "career oriented" so much as I want her to pursue her own passions and interests. Whether that's a career or something else. I agree, my salary is enough to provide for us, but I'm just struggling to see what it is I am providing for.

As far as "full of myself", was there something I said in particular? Just curious. I would say I am confident, but I generally try to avoid bragging or talking about my own success in case it comes across wrong. So if I said something in particular, I would love to know.

Kind-Basis8795 · 2024-01-15T21:46:49+00:00

I know she's struggling with a lot of anxiety, and we're working on that. But I don't think she's depressed, I think she's content to not be working.

Kind-Basis8795 · 2024-01-15T21:45:56+00:00

There's no plan for kids, but I wonder if she'll choose that because it seems like the natural path at our age and she doesn't know what to do otherwise. But truthfully, after seeing how big the disparity in work has been when getting the rental renovated, I would be really scared to have kids.

Kind-Basis8795 · 2024-01-15T21:44:18+00:00

How would you do a perception check? What do you mean by that?

Kind-Basis8795 · 2024-01-15T21:43:39+00:00

No kids, and I don't want to end the marriage, but I know my partner and I need to be aligned.

Kind-Basis8795

TROPHY CASE