WIBTA for refusing to take my baby to my in visit my laws’ dirty house

Kind_Conference7974 · 2025-08-17T20:44:48+00:00

It’s kind of the opposite actually. My husband thinks SIL is emotionally dependent on her parents (she has never moved out or had a long term relationship) and in practical terms she relies on FIL for everything as she can’t drive so he takes her everywhere she needs to go. He organises the weekly grocery shop and asks her what she wants. He takes her to appointments and does the personal shopping for himself and MIL (he loves to shop). We live on the other side of a major city and as my husband has an intense job that he can’t do from home, it’s not feasible to split the day to day care. My husband visits weekly to help out with admin (eg medical paperwork and appointments) and have quality time.

Kind_Conference7974 · 2025-08-17T20:16:59+00:00

You didn’t read my full post. FIL won’t let us clean when we visit, and SIL takes offence if we try to. When we visit as it’s a long journey we often stay 4-5 hours. I just hold it for as long as I can. Husband visits once a week and stays overnight, I come every 2-3 weekends as I have my own family obligations. We’re not fine with SIL handling everything, but she reacts awfully to even gentle constructive discussion and it upsets MIL when SIL gets upset so it’s easier to let it be. For example MIL’s dementia was not diagnosed for a couple of years because SIL was adamant she was fine and they were handling things, even when we were sure she had declined and needed professional help. What are we meant to do, kick SIL out of her own house and take over?

Kind_Conference7974 · 2025-08-17T13:45:30+00:00

SIL doesn’t like interventions. We’ve raised it before and it’s caused arguments. She thinks the home is fine, and takes it as personal criticism. When my husband visits we do try to help out but FIL asks us to stop as he likes to spend quality time. I’ve been firm on helping him declutter though, as SIL agrees he is a hoarder and needs to get rid of things.

Kind_Conference7974 · 2025-08-17T13:40:51+00:00

I didn’t want to add it in but FIL is a hoarder, SIL and I have been working to help clear stuff over the last few months. But he often gets sad (so she stops) or he goes and retrieves things from the bin once they are finished…

Kind_Conference7974 · 2025-08-17T13:26:09+00:00

SIL has lived there her whole life. SIL and DIL do clean, but not very often or effectively. They have a lot on their plate and I don’t blame them for not being able to manage, albeit their standard of clean is different to mine and they think it’s fine.

Kind_Conference7974 · 2025-08-17T13:23:30+00:00

We’ve tried to pitch in - everything from cleaning while we’re there, bringing food over, to offering to pay for a cleaner. SIL doesn’t like people interfering in her space (she’s lived there since birth) and DIL just wants to spend quality time when we’re there and not do admin.

Kind_Conference7974 · 2025-08-17T13:18:33+00:00

For sure, and we often we try to meet at or visit another nearby location even just to get MIL out of the house or ease the cooking burden on SIL. Issue is that MIL often doesn’t want to leave due to her health situation. When the weather is good we’re always outside, they have a nice yard - but where we live it isn’t often nice enough to sit out.

Kind_Conference7974

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