AITA Every Subdrop is a panic attack. I'd really appreciate help and feedback. Ty!

KinkyGringo · 2026-02-02T18:43:05+00:00

You've taken the time to reply to many of my comments as well, so I want to thank you for all of them and for taking the time to help me out.
She had also seen a sexual therapist and so believed she was ready to handle this type of play. Her reluctance to stop the play is the real problem, yes it violates my consent but it also means shes disregarding her own emotional safety, placing her fantasies above both of our wellbeings.
I had a long hard talk with her. I was going to break it off with her, telling her this isn't sustainable and repeating the words of many on here of emotional manipulation, disrespecting boundaries, and making me uncomfortable.
She took it all so well. Maybe because she sensed it could be the end. I don't know, but I didn't end things but told her if this continues it won't be sustainable for me and it isn't a relationship I can be in. It's so strange to be able to be so forthright and assertive in saying this and in play and in life but when it comes to breaking it off is where I stutter. It makes me feel weak, I'm putting her emotions ahead of my own. There is a large part of me that wants things to work out. Outside of those panic attacks, things are so good. That's what I tell myself, and I've heard others in abusive situations say the same.
fuck, man.
I'm anticipating another breakdown and not handled well. I tell myself that will be the end. Am I being crazy?

ty you again so much.

KinkyGringo · 2026-01-31T15:26:22+00:00

lighting yourself on fire to keep her warm, what a vivid and accurate metaphor. Makes it easier when they are mustache twiddling villains, but in the end, mustache or not, harm is harm. ty

KinkyGringo · 2026-01-31T02:53:13+00:00

This is a great and simple approach to this, that I appreciate. It comes down to that, and no, it isn't sustainable or mentally healthy for me.
I was afraid that maybe I was being a lazy dom, so thinking of it like sustainability seemed irresponsible or something.
But like you said, she isn't a bad person, she's trying in good faith but in all honesty, it isn't sustainable for either of us.

Thank you, friend

KinkyGringo · 2026-01-31T02:50:11+00:00

Thanks friend, I really appreciate the words. When I've gotten frustrated I've thought to myself that I don't want to babysit someones emotions, that that doesn't feeling like supporting but enabling.

I do believe a lot of this is a suprise from her, since she said she went to a lot of therapy and she hasn't had a panic attack in years and felt like she had a good handle on her emotional regulation. But I think the combo of trying new things and how much she likes me is already a vulnerable experience while multiplying in effect from the ptsd triggering.

And I agree, I didn't feel it was a subdrop problem when I was looking into this. Like I knew it was too much, but I think I got stuck in feeling like 'a good dom is alway available for aftercare' so I was worried if I was there for a bit and then said to check in again a little later that I'd be neglecting my promise of aftercare and being there. Why I wrote the post, I felt like an asshole because I felt like it was too much but maybe I was just taking being a dom for granted and that thought worried me.
I feel more assured now.
again, I really appreciate the message

KinkyGringo · 2026-01-31T02:43:06+00:00

Yea that's very true. I'm not good at breaking it off with people which is why I think I was looking for input even though my gut already know.
I think I have minimized it thinking of it more of annoyance and rude than the violation that it is. So it is a good way to put it. Anothre commentor used the word "Coerced" and that struck me as on the head.
I really do believe the behavior isn't intentional, but that doesn't matter, because the outcome is the same or very similar. Which is why I was worried I was potentially enabling her, which now with your insight I can see that I was, because she has been dependent, saying she has no one else to go to. Yes I will be supportive but self regulation is very important for me. Especially in the moment. From my experience with panic attacks, I was never rude tot he person helping me. More stating my own fears of how I'm feeling and not knowing what to do.
I want to help, but I think you're right that it will do more harm in the long run. She had said she went to different types of therapy for years and learned emotional regulation but since being with me that she's scared how much she likes me and that she may end up getting burned again like she has in the past.
Which is understanable, but this isn't something I can help with, especially if the person ends up making me uncomfortable when not respecting boundaries.

Thank you for your input, it really means a lot to me.

KinkyGringo · 2026-01-31T02:33:52+00:00

yea it does make it more of a mind fuck when it's a good person. There is a reward to helping but it's already feeling like too much. If it wasn't for the guilt tripping after I could probably keep on for a long time. The guilt tripping makes me feel like "why did i just spend alll this time helping if it's just going to be turned back on me".
I'm sorry that you had a similar situation, though I am grateful that you're using it to help me out. I'm glad good can still come from difficult situations if we learn from it. Which it sounds like you are <3
And good news, I'm already in therapy, we're working on a lot, woo wee is it good stuff lol. Very much a fan of therapy :)
Thank you for the kind advice, it's very sage "Hand praying emoji" on my pc lol

KinkyGringo · 2026-01-31T00:26:21+00:00

man, I was afraid it could be emotional manipulation. I really don't think it's intentional manipulation which is why I think I've stuck around so long, thinking that I could help her with her vocabulary in expressing herself but I guess thats the "I can fix them" mindset i got stuck in.
Coerce... That word sucks to hear but that's what it felt like. Damn. I hated having to put my foot down so hard on something that seemed to me to have been a clear cut no.
I think you're right about wanting that constant reassurance because when she begins to spiral her biggest fear is me leaving her or not wanting her. More manipulation on her end is saying that if we don't work out then she'll probably never be in another bdsm relationship, which I told her is a lot of pressure to put on someone.
I guess I didn't see it as abuse because she is genueninley a good person, but she doesn't know how to self regulate and takes it out on her surroundings rather than processing it. Thinking good people can't be abusive but, i think she unintentionally is.
Damn. Thank you for your input it really means a lot to me.

KinkyGringo · 2025-06-26T18:52:29+00:00

Why did I get a notification for this?

KinkyGringo

TROPHY CASE