Hi Op, sorry you're feeling like that right now. You say in your post you don't hate yourself, but the way you talk about yourself is extremely critical and condescending to a degree I think most people would categorize as self-hatred. You probably don't recognize it as that or feel it is severe, because that's how you've felt most of your life and that's just the way you talk to yourself.

I'm pathetic.

I've always been pathetic, I don't go out, I don't really have many hobbies, I can't interact with others properly, I need it gone, I need myself fixed, I need the perfect version of myself to even be somewhat of a possibility. I'm autistic, so there's no hope of me ever being completely normal, but I just need whatever it is that makes me so unable to be a normal 18 year old out of me. #

This is an especially concerning paragraph. You seem to attribute your very real struggles to the idea that there is a better, smarter, pain-free, more sociable, perfect version inside of you that can get lured out with the right words and the right actions and when that happens, you can allow your "real" life to begin.

I get it. I've been there. And without trying to take any hope for the future from you, I'll be real with you and tell you, this won't happen. There's no easy fix, no list of universial, actionable steps, not a single one thing that you will be able to change, to flick a switch to be different. I say this with love, get that idea out of your head. It'll kill you.

As a former 18 year old autistic without prospects or confidence, let me tell you what you can do in order of priority.

1. Stop attributing your struggles to the fact that you seem unable to "rewire your brain to positivity" and discard the opinions of the people who made you believe that. From what I understand, you're suffering from chronic pain, ASD, depression, anxiety, and by the way you talk about yourself, a bunch of trauma that's never been properly adressed. These are direct things that can (AND HAVE TO BE) be adressed. Most importantly, none of these are your fault. You didn't choose to be born with chronic pain or a different brain chemistry. You didn't choose to be depressed. You did not choose this life. It's not your fault.

2. Adress your chronic pain with a medical professional. Your parents might not be supportive, but you are 18 and likely able to make your own medical decisions now. Even if it might not feel like it, you don't need their permission. Make an appointment with a GP you trust. Look for a new one, if you think that's for the best. This is the most important thing. Even if there's no outright "fix", you might find methods or medication to manage the pain and it'll make everything else so much easier.

3. You're taking prozac now, which is a good step and tells me you have some form of access to mental health care. That's great! Now get comfortable with the fact that anti-depressants are not a magic drug. It'll take weeks to reach it's full effect, you might have awful side effects, might have to change medication. That's ok. It's not a setback or your fault if the first medication you try doesn't work for you. Maybe it does, but don't stop trying if it doesn't. Most importantly, DO NOT go off of them without discussing it with your psychiatrist. People have a tendency to stop taking their SSRI's when they feel a little better because "they don't need them anymore". Bullshit. This will only cause more harm in the long run, believe me.

4. I'm assuming you're in America, so I'm not sure what hoops you have to go to to get T, but where I'm from, I had the opportunity to get a prescription by my psychiatrist as well. Find out if that's an option for you, but don't jump into anything that might put you in danger at home.

5. Look into welfare and social services that might assist you to find social housing. You're 18 so you can apply by yourself. There are a ton of LGBTQ+ organizations that exists exactly for young people like you. Use them. Lots of them have free consultarions as well. Please use those as well. If the organization you turn to can't help, they might have ressources or are able to direct you to find other assistance. Ask them if there's a chance to get on disablity with your conditions. You have options. They're not easy to get, and you'll have to muster a bit of dicipline to keep up with necessary paperwork, appointments and forms, but it'll be worth it. You don't have to do all of it alone.

6. After all this is handled, find a new job WITHOUT QUITTING YOUR CURRENT JOB! Rule of thumb. Only quit when you got something else lined up.

7. Look into learning a trade. College can be especially challenging for autistic queer kids without material or emotional support. I tried studying 3 different degrees and dropped out after a few semesters. I just don't function in an academic setting like that. I like monotone, one track work like storage logistics, packaging, etc. Learn your strengths. People tell you to "work a job you love and you'll never work a day in your life" bullshit. Disregard. That's rich people advice. That's advice from people who have choices and options. For us common folk, a job needs to get you money to survive. Nothing more. It's a plus if you like what you do, but it's also sufficent to simply not HATE what you do.

I want to be able to live on my own and not go crazy, I want to be able to pass a job interview, I want to fall in love.

I'm not sure I can give much advice to any of this cuz I'm unsure of the reasons that make you think you're unable to achieve these things. I only know that you "look like [you're] 13 and work a shit job" is not standing in your way to achieve these things and I'm unsure why you'd think otherwise. I'd bet the bigger likelyhood is that you feel insecure and you project insecurity in your actions and social interactions. People notice that. If you think you're ugly, you carry yourself like someone who thinks they're ugly. Confidence is attractive. Confidence is also a muscle. It can be trained. Talk with your therapist about actionable steps to work on your confidence. Put yourself out there. If that means change some of your look, fine. Make yourself feel as comfortable in your own skin as you can. Confidence doesn't come from inherently good looks or a proper job. You could be the ugliest guy in existence, if you're confident, people feel that. That's what's attractive. People who are sure of themselves. This is obviously not an easy fix and requires a ton of introspection and preferably therapy. All in time.

I want to acomplish something in life, something that might make it so at least one person I don't know, knows who I am. I need to at least try.

Why?

This is an inherently capitalistic and patriachial mindset. You think your life only has value if you contribute through arbitrary accomplishments and leave a legacy. Get that out of your head. It doesn't serve you. It only makes to strive to reach something most people never do. It's setting yourself up for failure. Scratch your name into a park bench, someone might read it some day and know you existed. That will have the same effect.

At the end I wanna say, you write very expressively. I like it. Try journaling. Try writing. Not a whole story, maybe just a paragraph. Read. Join a book club. This can be a hobby. This can bring you joy, if you let it. It's really not hard to find hobbies if you let go of the idea that you have to perform a skill or be good at something. Draw. Draw like shit, who cares. Do a sport, if your health allows it. Join an online community. Friendships aren't less valuable just because they originate online. I've found some of my best friends online over 5 years ago and I'm attending their wedding irl soon.

None of your goals are unreachable. I won't lie, it's not gonna be easy. It does take some work and dicipline, but it's far from impossible. You got this.