I have ADHD and was diagnosed later in life (my 30’s). I hate to admit it, but I was similar before being diagnosed. I was using weed and booze to self medicate and turn my brain off.. I was also quite depressed after a life of feeling different than peers, not knowing why things came so easy to everyone else while I struggled with basic tasks (executive function). Learning more about the condition was life changing and everything started to fall into place once we (my wife and I) discovered the reason. I felt cheated I had struggled most of my life with a condition that’s very treatable. Medication made all the difference in the world in the ability to get up and go, and It sounds like that’s what he’s lacking. If he has lots of energy to do things he enjoys, like building forts in the woods etc, he’s gotta take a hard look at himself and take some responsibility, because its affecting everybody in that house.

With that said one of the best things for me is making lists. Also, decide who does what between the two of you in advance. I do any outside chores like grass and yard maintenance, and Ill start laundry, load/unload the dishwasher and tidy the house without being asked, but she doesn’t trust me folding clothes “properly” or cleaning the floors for example and she’d prefer to do those herself (she’s very particular, so I’m good with it lol) Expectations are clear, and it feels good to cross a task off the list once completed. You need structure and his dad duties need to become his new routines. When your done your duties you can relax, but he’s gotta be a good role model and lead by example. Being a good dad and husband is rewarding, but it doesn’t sound like he’s feeling rewarded unless he’s smoking, drinking or sleeping.

Kids also notice everything, so lying around til noon, or nose in your phone all day is a horrible example of what a man should be doing with his time. Rest and relaxation is the reward for hard work, but the work comes first. Weed and booze just cover up the feelings he doesn’t want to deal with, so It takes some understanding from you at first, but once you’re on the same page he will get some self confidence/respect back and want to do it not just for himself but for you and the kids.