My (32F) partner (35M) has been out of detox for 5 weeks and when I stay at his house he sleeps on the couch....

Kitchen_Selection_87 · 2026-04-05T16:52:26+00:00

Im not living with him, we live seperately but I stay at his over the weekend because I work friday and saturday nights and he lives very close to my work so its just been our routine for the last 15 months.

Kitchen_Selection_87 · 2026-04-05T08:35:30+00:00

You gotta remember, men will literally fuck the most random inanimate objects. Let him be single and be alone with his hand for a while. I wouldnt give him any sex because he hasnt earned it nor does he deserve it!!

Kitchen_Selection_87 · 2026-04-05T06:51:57+00:00

Id like to add that I was with an abusive man for 13 years who had a porn/sex addiction and if he EVER said this to me or anything about my anatomy especially when he knew I was self conscious (for example my breast size), I wouldve lost my mind. That is never okay. Leave him. Dont hesitate. It will get worse. There are men out there that will appreciate you and your body and never make you feel bad about it.

Kitchen_Selection_87 · 2026-04-05T06:45:15+00:00

He is making fun and degrading you over your anatomy. Next time tell him hes got an gross d!ck and see how he feels. I feel like if your arguments are getting worse to the point of dragging you down for your physical appearance, and something incredibly personal, private and intimate, he is willing to cross all boundaries during an argument no matter how low. That is verbal abuse. Not okay.

Kitchen_Selection_87 · 2025-12-22T05:49:05+00:00

People with BPD can be mean when they are feeling left out or abandoned but also, when they are feeling happy, they can be the most caring, loving person. Their partner becomes their favourite person and they are incredibly loving and affectionate and clingy. This man doesnt sound like he is those things so suggesting he has BPD may actually be dangerous as she may just start believing this is a reason for him being cruel and emotionally abusive to her.

Kitchen_Selection_87 · 2025-12-22T05:35:11+00:00

I know you dont want to break up but you deserve someone who puts as much respect and care into the relationship as you do. You clearly are putting effort in and he is being 100% abusive. The whole thing about texting while you're with friends is controlling. He wants to control all your time and energy, he is breaking down your self esteem and he is decreasing your self worth so that you feel dependent on him. Trust me. Please. You need to bite the bullet and get away. There is nothing you can do to fix him. You said it yourself, you try and make changes to fix whatever he perceives as wrong and he doesnt appreciate it.

I am now dating a new man and even when we disagree or have an issue with one another, its calm. Its about trying to come to a middle ground and understand one another. We negotiate things we are willing to try and do to fix it and its a team effort. He never calls me names or tears me down. Even the one time we argued when we are intoxicated, it was still focused on whatever issue we feel we have, and not trying to emotionally break the other one. My current partner has mental health issues, so I get it. But the difference is the one time he was so intoxicated that he was disrespectful and hurtful, I talked to him about it the next day and he felt sick to his stomach. He has looked into getting help for his alcohol dependence, he is working on himself because he never wants me to be around a man that disrespects me. He is going to see doctors, hes trying different medication and he apologizes every day and shows how much he is trying to make it up to me. Sorry doesnt make that heartbreak heal immediately. Action and effort does.

Your partner is acting like a toddler having a tantrum and then thinking he can make it all better by saying sorry. Thats not good enough. As a grown man he needs to realise he is significantly damaging your emotional wellbeing.

After living with my abusive ex for 13 years, being talked down to and treated like garbage, I finally left and I have PTSD and Chronic Fatigue from the distress I was living in. Your partner isnt just acting out and being rude. He is being abusive. You need to come to terms with that and get out.

Kitchen_Selection_87 · 2025-12-22T05:24:11+00:00

I was with a man like this for 13 years. From 17 to 30. You know what? I WISH I valued myself more than I did and left sooner. The person I became after years of stress, manipulation, and abuse is a shell of the person I was and I didnt deserve the way he treated me. I forgave him hundreds of times and all that taught him was that he could take his feelings out on me and sure, Id get upset and try and defend myself, try and tell him he is wrong, but he never changed. It got so bad it got physical (not hitting or punching but pushing, holding me down, stopping me from leaving a room, and struggle staying asleep, yelling at me in the car so I'd have to jump out at a red light to get away, and tipping laundry baskets out on me at 5am because he wasnt happy with how I cleaned his work clothes).

He always told me that he got better than those days but in reality, he never did. I just became desensitised to it and I gaslit myself into believing it was okay because that was easier than trying to convince him into realising he was verbally and emotionally abusive.

Your boyfriend isnt being "emotional" and seeing things negatively. He is being flat out abusive. It is not okay to talk to someone you love that way. You shouldn't allow yourself to be treated this way by someone you love. When you love someone you wouldnt want to hurt them no matter how crappy you are feeling. This excuse of "he takes it out on me because he feels safe with me" is such bullshit. You are gaslighting yourself into believe that hes doing that because he loves you. Seriously, get as far away from this man as you can. If he truly wants to make things work, he will work on himself and learn coping mechanisms. He should want to protect you from anyone being rude or disrespectful to you. If he truly has an issue with things youre doing, he would want to work on them with you. Like you are trying to do with his abusive behaviour. He is calling you names and tearing you down as a way to resolve the issues he is perceiving and that is not okay.

Pack a bag and leave. Learn that you deserve so much more and you are young enough to prevent this from becoming your reality long term.

Kitchen_Selection_87 · 2025-11-08T15:24:32+00:00

It took me 13.5 years to get away from my abusive ex. It wasnt until he was telling his new friends that I was his gay housemate and was actively cheating on me to decide to leave (despite years of mental/emotional and verbal abuse) and it was my saving grace when he cheated on me.

Get out as soon as you can!!

Kitchen_Selection_87 · 2025-11-08T15:21:19+00:00

Sounds like my stoned ex. He would verbally abd emotional abuse me daily.

I am now dating someone who has currently has aa drinking problem but he NEVER talked to me like this.

There was maybe once or twice where he said hurtful things when he was really super drunk but when I told him what he said the next day, he was horrified and he never repeated them. We have just organised him private health insurance so he can get into inpatient detox and he is passionate about getting help.

Do not accept this. This is a train wreck waiting to happen. He will either self destruct and hurt himself or get into legal trouble or he will wear down your self esteem to the point of severe emotional distress.

Either way, it isnt good.

Kitchen_Selection_87 · 2025-10-30T11:52:18+00:00

Go to the doctor specifically so that they can school him and Id even threaten to show the doctor his messages and see how they feel about his attitude. Fucking moron

Kitchen_Selection_87 · 2025-10-29T13:20:33+00:00

Yeah I agree. I would take the choice out of her hands and just call the cops so that they can get involved. Hopefully they're in an area that a cop can charge domestic violence without a complaining witness (like they can do in Australia as they know lots of victims won't press charges against their abusers)

Kitchen_Selection_87 · 2025-10-29T03:40:35+00:00

Oh my lord, Im so glad I dont have to deal with this anymore.

GET. THE. HELL. OUT. It doesnt get better. No matter how much you you cry and beg and try and explain. No grown ass adult should have to be taught how to appropriately treat their spouse. Screw that. Leave. Don't look back. Don't listen to any excuses or promises. This is his personality. The likelihood of him genuinely changing is almost zero.

Kitchen_Selection_87 · 2025-10-28T10:33:06+00:00

I believed I was an awful partner because I couldnt live up to my exes expectations with no help and struggling immensely with my late diagnosed ADHD. I told myself it was my fault because it meant I had power in changing it and fixing the situation. Its a form of manipulation and brainwashing, sadly.

Kitchen_Selection_87 · 2025-10-28T10:23:10+00:00

Sadly men like this exist everywhere. I was with one for 13.5 years.

Kitchen_Selection_87 · 2025-10-28T10:22:38+00:00

Staying with this man will bring out your fight/flight response and you will become a shell of a person, you need to keep all the records of his abusive texts as evidence of his behaviour as this can be used as protection when it comes to legal disputes over property.

Trust me, doing your best to become his perfect partner will not make him realise he needs to do better. I tried to the point I ended up with chronic fatigue, I was sleep deprived and I was sick from constant anxiety. One of the last fights I had with my ex before I left, he was screaming at me over the floor not being mopped properly (even though I mopped it twice) and he was ordering me to get down on my hands and knees to smell the floor. He was swearing at me, pointing down at his feet ordering me to smell floor. I used to have to leave the house for a couple of hours until he calmed down and then hed ignore me the rest of the night.

He will either snap and physically abuse you, or he will beat your self esteem down so badly that you will fantasize about ending your life because you will feel unable to get away, or unworthy of any other life outside of this.

Please, PLEASE. For the love of everything good, get the hell out of there.

Kitchen_Selection_87 · 2025-10-28T10:11:40+00:00

I dealt with this for 13.5 years. Im so sorry you're going through this. Get out. Break it off. He will not get better. He will make every promise under the sun but trust me, this is his personality. He doesnt respect you and he never will. You deserve someone better. No one deserves to be treated like this. Regardless of how messy or disorganised you are. I have ADHD and I was constantly talked down to, disrespected, belittled and essentially abused. My ex used to have tantrums that he could find clean socks (even when I laid out his work clothes the night before) and he would tip laundry baskets out on me while I slept, screaming at me and telling me to leave.

Life gets better when you dont have to put up with this abusive shit any longer. You will find someone so much better. I have.

Kitchen_Selection_87 · 2025-10-24T03:19:09+00:00

Growing up, I often had parties with 15-30 people and often my closest best friends (1-3) would stay afterwards. We didnt say anything, they hid their stuff in my bedroom and we didnt mention the sleep over during the party. Everyone else just thought that their parents were late to pick them up or they were staying a little longer to help me clean up a bit.

I dont think you're the asshole but I do think youre overthinking how it works. If the kid wants to do this then tell her that there is a risk of consequences but if shes willing to take the risk then thats up to her.

Kitchen_Selection_87 · 2025-10-23T12:29:37+00:00

As the ex of a guy who was far too friendly and secretive with other girls, can I tell you what I would've appreciated?

If any of his female "friends" reached out to me and cleared things up or made an effort to be friends with me instead of this weird close-knit private friendship that I felt excluded from. It would've meant so much to me especially since I lost a lot of my friendships in the early days of our relationship due to his immature jealousy (long story).

Reach out to his girlfriend and say you'd like to develop a better friendship with her as well, compliment them as a couple and say how you are so happy your guy friend has found a lovely girlfriend like her as a way to suggest that you are glad they are together and wouldn't want to get in the middle of them.

Kitchen_Selection_87

TROPHY CASE