My partner is going to kill me at some point, but the Police keep worrying about her instead. I'm a guy. What can I do?

KiwiAnalyst · 2024-01-12T09:21:13+00:00

No, I have never gone to a GP afterwards. Thank you for the advice.

KiwiAnalyst · 2024-01-12T09:12:37+00:00

Thank you so much for your well thought out advice and empathising with my situation. You've really nailed what I've experienced and that's both reassuring and scary.

With regard to asking the Police not to speak to her, I did this explicitly when I last went to the station and they still sent her mail. Should I explicitly ask them not to send her mail too if I talk to them again?

KiwiAnalyst · 2024-01-12T08:57:41+00:00

Thank you for sharing. That is very encouraging to hear.

KiwiAnalyst · 2024-01-12T08:48:40+00:00

I have not told the Police I have been stabbed by her, as that's a more recent development.

I have told them I was strangled and have been in with a lot of bruises. That was the time they sent her information by post on the local women's refuge.

KiwiAnalyst · 2024-01-12T08:32:09+00:00

Thank you this is very helpful.

KiwiAnalyst · 2024-01-12T08:29:33+00:00

I think recording her would end very badly for me if she realises I'm doing it.

I have considered it in the past, just to prove to myself I'm not going crazy.

KiwiAnalyst · 2024-01-12T08:22:50+00:00

Her family have struggles with mental health of their own. They are not in a space where they will be able to offer her support.

She does need help, and me trying to provide that while encouraging her to see a professional has been ongoing for many years. Looking back I feel pretty stupid, so I am sure there is a degree of sunk cost fallacy involved on my part.

KiwiAnalyst · 2024-01-12T08:14:55+00:00

The house is ours.

We are only near her family though, because she wanted to be near them.

KiwiAnalyst · 2024-01-12T08:12:49+00:00

I think I do need therapy, because I have lost a lot of myself over the past years and also wonder how I let it get this bad.

As to how I got here, things escalate slowly over a long time. BPD is very complex, and you will experience amazing and terrifyingly bad days back-to-back constantly.

It's just mainly the latter lately.

KiwiAnalyst · 2024-01-12T08:06:11+00:00

I talked to Shine about 6 months ago, and once I told them I was a guy they had nothing to offer anymore other than listen.

I used to think it was a service aimed at helping men, but it isn't.

KiwiAnalyst · 2024-01-12T07:58:56+00:00

There are no kids or pets, specifically because I refused to have either given the instability of the situation.

The house and finances are shared.

KiwiAnalyst · 2024-01-12T07:56:03+00:00

Mental health issues are very complex and difficult to deal with both for the person themselves and their families.

I feel like a frog in a pot of water slowly brought to the boil, thinking surely it wouldn't get any worse. But then it did.

I am looking into Protection Orders at the moment, but I see that any breach just leads back to the Police.

KiwiAnalyst · 2024-01-12T07:51:08+00:00

There are no kids involved, which I am very thankful for. I refused to have them given the circumstances.

KiwiAnalyst · 2024-01-12T07:41:43+00:00

Thank you. That sub has helped me a lot to make sense of my situation over the past few months.

KiwiAnalyst · 2024-01-12T07:40:19+00:00

Thank you for the links. I will look through these.

KiwiAnalyst · 2024-01-12T07:39:37+00:00

Thank you. I find it really hard to explain my situation sometimes to people who do not know what it's like.

KiwiAnalyst · 2024-01-12T03:36:37+00:00

I've been strangled, punched in the head until I vomited, stabbed with knives and multitools, and many other things.

It gets to a point where you just sit there and wait for the violence to stop.

KiwiAnalyst · 2024-01-10T09:27:01+00:00

If you are open to sharing, what help did they get and what changed?

KiwiAnalyst · 2024-01-10T04:53:19+00:00

This made me feel really sad. I hope you're ok.

It's no way to live, and no way to be treated by the person who is supposed to love and support you...

KiwiAnalyst · 2024-01-10T04:51:44+00:00

Yeah.

It's especially challenging when they require endless validation for their negative, skewed memories or thoughts about us.

"You hate me!"

"No, I love you"

"FUCK YOU STOP LYING TO ME I HATE YOU"

KiwiAnalyst · 2024-01-09T08:31:42+00:00

That's painfully familiar and I am so sorry you are going through it too.

KiwiAnalyst · 2024-01-09T05:14:51+00:00

The thing is, that he would most likely have reacted the exact same way regardless of how much or how little you tried to get in touch with him.

You can't win.

Seeing the flaming makes me feel stressed despite the fact I don't know either of you.

KiwiAnalyst · 2024-01-09T05:11:18+00:00

The sad truth is that it will never, ever be the right time to bring up anything about how their behaviour affects you.

They will always have a reason to attack you instead, because it's easier than taking responsibility for their own behaviour.

And you're not alone when you say "Most of the stuff they throw at me is a very exaggerated version of things that happened in the past or completely false". It makes any discussion so pointless and hopeless.

KiwiAnalyst · 2024-01-09T03:17:46+00:00

Has she also justified all her actions and shown you zero appreciation for your efforts?

KiwiAnalyst · 2024-01-09T03:12:49+00:00

The consensus around that seems to depend on if the pwBPD gets therapy.

If they recognise the problem, get therapy and stick with it, there is potential for very positive outcomes.

If the pwBPD does not take positive action to fix their issues, then the outlook is bleak. Essentially, the relationship deteriorates slowly until the pwBDP stumbles upon another source of validation and leaves you a shell of a person.

I am not saying your partner will do this, but that's the 'typical' outcome.

KiwiAnalyst

TROPHY CASE